Miniature Donkeys escaped out of the fence and are heading to town and I’m pretty sure the damn cat orchestrated the entire plan.
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A wok that cooks so fast you call it a run.
Finally, an instrument I can play!
I’m willing to pay more for a powerful banh mi.
this is the news I live for
Tyler on Facebook says he ran 1.7 miles this morning… So based on calculations, I have 35 minutes to ransack his house tomorrow morning.
Percentage of men in the world with blue eyes: 8%
Percentage of men in romance books with blue eyes: 99.9%
Bars reopening but you have to wear a mask? Ugly people, this is OUR time!
Clicking the tongs twice before tossing my work laptop on the grill.
Customer: I can’t see. How many sugar and fiber are in this bar?
Me: 7 sugar 5 fiber
C: That’s not very healthy… Just the smokes then.
[highschool reunion]
CLASSMATE: I’m a top chef. You?
ME: I’m an avoca
C: a what
M: an avoca
C: what’s an avoca do
M: a top chef would know
can you imagine shamir going through the Bad Freelance Experience…… someone’s like “i want u to assassinate this guy” and she quotes them for 2000g and they go “what? that’s so high! doesn’t it only take you two seconds to, like, shoot an arrow?”
Nannying is like a stay at home mom internship
Dentist: ok open up
“Well I guess it all started when my dad left…”
Dentist: no I mean-
Assistant: wait bill…let him finish
For six years I have been occasionally going to a friend’s house to play Scrabble. Each time I’ve taken along an extra “E” tile and added it to his set. He is now playing with nine extra Es. He hasn’t actually noticed but complains about have too many Es every time.
EXORCIST: the previous tenant was murdered. You can see their ghost in the background of this photo
SPOOKY GHOST VOICE: oooomg deleeeete it
Men’s underwear should be called “manhole covers”
I accidentally used my mom’s fabric scissors to cut wrapping paper and now the cops are here
I’m not religious but I know there’s a hell because Monopoly exists
New COVID variant subscribes you to random podcasts.
The toughest part of any long distance relationship is the 6 hour drive to slash their tires.
Music is a scam. You can listen to all kinds of other noises for free
DOCTOR: you have leprosy
ME: *lmao*
men only want one thing: a large italian wife that chases them around with a big wooden spoon when they sneak a meatball before dinner
Guy at the cake shop: So is this for a friend?
Me: No, it’s for me.
Apparently it’s weird that I’ve had 9 birthdays this year.
Me: Being a healthy adult is getting a full 8hrs sleep
Boss: But not while you’re supposed to be working
Why aren’t you flourishing? Flourish, you piece of shit.
Recently in Miami, I was so excited to see my wife and 8YO on the jet ski, for the first time. I screamed, shouted and kept waving at them. When they came back, I realized I was cheering a wrong family the whole time
AN INSANE PERSON: I want to drink vegetables
THE MAKERS OF V8: Hey
Him: Wanna go out with me tonight?
Me: Let me ask my mom
Him: Wtf?! You’re in your 40’s!
Me: She said no