Minimum wage job description: Will be able to follow simple processes and occasionally drink water without spilling it down self.
Actual job: You’re now responsible for the concept of life itself and also go bring peace to the Middle East. Also blinking will get you fired.
“I’m so sorry”, I go around whispering to people who’ve just woken up from a coma.
My kid’s teacher asked me to text her if we were going to be late and I was like it’ll be a lot easier if we text you when we’re going to be on time
5yo: I’m physically capable of the task you’re asking me to do and have done it many times, but I’ll ask for “help,” by which I mean you do it for me.
2yo: I am physically incapable of the task I want to do, but if you try to help in any way, I’ll become an inferno of screams.
I have such a bad cold that when I breathe through my nose, it sounds like Marge Simpson sighing/expressing disapproval.
shout out to anyone that’s used a tube of super glue more than once
If your tax accountant has a Yahoo email address, you’re getting audited.
HEARTWARMING! Celebs get together to sing ‘Imagine’ and flush all their unused COVID-19 tests down the toilet
Mom: Did you dye your hair?
* twirling my fingers through my freshly coloured brown ear *
How did you know?
I hope this year they have the courage to legalize diarrhea.
There should be a true crime story about feeding someone a peanut butter sandwich and giving them nothing to drink.
If you want me to save a horse and ride a cowboy, you better spare a tree and eat a beaver.
I dumbed there ONE time and now this.
“I’ll be back for you real soon” I whisper to the leftover lasagne
Boxing isn’t the only profession you can pretend to do while you’re jogging, today I flipped burgers.
That 👊
A lorry carrying pens, rulers and compasses has overturned on the M1.
Traffic is currently stationery in both directions.
the disturbing lack of time travellers arriving to stop 2020 happening suggests we never actually invent it
Missed connection: She wanted classy and I thought she said gassy…
I’m not stressed
Dead animal names:
A dead fly is called a flew
A dead goose is a ghoost
A dead gnu is a gnold
A dead pig is a bacon
Celebrating christmas in another country, santa leaves a chicken cutlet in my boot. “Is that good?” No one will make eye contact with me.
Ah yes. The three genders
[waiting for elevator]
Coworker: Hey, how’s it go-
Me: I’ll take the stairs.
I believe extraterrestrials arrived on Earth via flying lavatories. I believe in scientoiletgy, my friends.
Boss: Good suggestions at the staff meeting today, Bill.
Me: I talk in my sleep?
I just fought a child-proof container to the death.
Priest: Body of Christ..
Gordon Ramsay: Dry.
My weightloss journey will be before pictures only.
My 6yo thinks the Starbucks mermaid has two fish tails for her arms and now I can’t unsee it
