Minimum wage job description: Will be able to follow simple processes and occasionally drink water without spilling it down self.
Actual job: You’re now responsible for the concept of life itself and also go bring peace to the Middle East. Also blinking will get you fired.
i used to enjoy weather like “sunny” or rainy” or cloudy” i’m glad that 2023 is showing us that it can innovate and give us weather like “smoke”
Superman could have become a doctor, using his x-ray vision to detect life threatening tumors. But no, we really needed another journalist.
BREAKING: Scientists send teen girl back in time to report on WWII. “Hitler’s haircut is literally the worst,” she writes. “Also he’s mean.”
Stopped by a roadside farm where I saw a sign that said “DUCK, EGGS”.
I was contemplating the position of the comma when it hit me.
Climate Change is just a scam to sell more Climate.
I haven’t said a single truthful thing on here since I became the King of Sweden.
Dropped my Ant Farm and now the rug is like the first 30-minutes of Saving Private Ryan.
I think it would be totes adorbz if I throat punched you the next time you say ‘totes adorbz’
Shower sex be like:
My main motivation for staying healthy is that I hate talking to people and doctors have like so many questions
If you’re willing to wait long enough, a closer parking spot near the gym will open up and you can let someone else have it while you go get donuts.
I’ll stop wearing black when they make a darker color
My friends definitely cannot handle their alcohol. Last night they dropped me 3 times carrying me out of the bar
The best part of marriage is when your spouse goes on a diet and you don’t have to share your snacks.
When a guy on a date says “how are you still single” apparently you’re not supposed to tell him
babe wake up, the chili discourse on Twitter has an update. someone made a deranged 30 tweet thread about carrots being in the chili despite there being no carro- babe no, babe stay awake, babe plea-
What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger, except for bears, bears will kill you.
Roses are red.
Birds sometimes vanish.
Seriously, if you go to Central or South America to visit ancient ruins and you don’t dress as Indiana Jones, what’s even the point? Bonus points if you can get the whip through customs.
I like to think that all my unfollowers have violated their parole and been sent back to the big house. Just kidding, I hope they’re dead.
My husband makes coffee for me every morning even when we’re fighting. Consider this evidence if I ever die by poison.
If a guy says he’ll take you to pound town, ask for details about the puppies. I’m not taking that trip unless there’re puppies.
Autumn. When libraries see the classics fly off the shelves as people look for heavy books to press leaves.
Nowadays pictures are more filtered than water.
Me: There’s a cold spot I think it’s a ghost
Her: You’re standing in front of the open refrigerator
Me: OUR REFRIGERATOR IS HAUNTED?!
whenever I see “likes her own status” on facebook, a little bit of me dies and becomes a horcrux.
One of the kids just asked for family game night like we weren’t already fed up with each other enough as it is
My kid can’t see the backpack hanging on his doorknob but he can find a Kit-Kat bar I hid in the attic
Nephew has been doing a bit where when he gets on elevators with adults, in an attempt to fit in he’ll say “I didn’t get the promotion”
