Minimum wage job description: Will be able to follow simple processes and occasionally drink water without spilling it down self.
Actual job: You’re now responsible for the concept of life itself and also go bring peace to the Middle East. Also blinking will get you fired.
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When I was 30, I had a fling thing with a 22 year old. He subtweeted me on here and i didnt even have Twitter. My younger cousin showed me the tweet. 6 years later, and I’m finally mad about it.
[hospital]
“I’m afraid it’s bad news. Your husband will never walk again”
“Oh God, he’s paralysed?”
“No, someone’s bought him rollerblades”
when girls eat strawberries it’s like sexy and hot but when i eat an entire potato in one bite like a snake it’s weird???? ok
You’re like if “nope” was a person.
Imagine how difficult it would be if you had two colleagues, one called Ian and one called Iain, but Iain only had one eye.
Bomb Squad: it’s going to explode if anyone makes any sudden movements
Officer: oh no
Hostage: oh no
Kool Aid Man: OH Y
6: What are you making? It smells terrible!
Me: *literally just boiling water*
Dickens: It was the best of times, it was the worst of times
Schrödinger: Nice, nice
After I mow my lawn, I give my neighbor about 72 hours to respond.
If you get pulled over by a cop, the smartest thing you can do is try and say “license and registration” at the same time he does and call “jinx” so he can’t say anything else.
Shout out to police that ask to see your driver’s license. You gotta hand it to them.
17 asked if we owned a vacuum. I’m gonna need a minute
Christmas inflatables are like college kids, full of life at night and face down on the lawn in the morning.
My wife can spot me dropping a single crumb anywhere in our house from 50 feet away but her car looks like a Starbucks exploded inside of it.
The monocle was popular in the 1800’s because ears hadn’t been invented yet.
COP: Have you been drinking?
ME: [carrying 2 penguins I just stole] Good God I hope so
I’ve been a vegetarian for 13 years but if I ever got the chance I would absolutely 100% bite the head off the Geico gecko
doctor: “is there anything that runs in the family?”
wife: “hm not really”
me: “the dog jogs a lot”
🎶🎶🎵🎵
If your toddler seems to hate you clap your hands
If they really seem to hate you clap your hands
If they’re only ever whining
And it makes you feel like crying
If your toddler seems to hate you clap your hands
My college career succinctly summed up in a meme.
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Can you die from sitting on the floor to play with your kid, because I just tried to get up and it feels like you can die from it.
If we could harness the fake enthusiasm put towards wishing people a happy birthday on Facebook, we could power half the planet.
Why didn’t they just call Thanksgiving ‘The Nightmare Before Christmas’?
*gets hungry*
*bakes kale chips for a snack because diet*
*eats six cookies while waiting for kale chips because hungry*
Today I came across a snake that seemed parched and tired, so I gently trickled some water from my water bottle on its snout for a few minutes and it quietly sipped. One of those nature moments that was nice but in retrospect makes me look like some sort of evil forest spirit
Just went to the water fountain at this IKEA, only to find 2 hydrogen fountains and an oxygen fountain.
Cop: spread’em!
Me: *frantically starts buttering bread*
Worst perfume name ever.
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I have no idea what “I’m just waiting for the code to compile.” means but if you say it to your boss he’ll let you get back to your video game.