*first time fishing*
Me: Ok now what
Friend: See that hook? You’re aiming to get that in the mouth
Me: orkay nrow wrhat
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I don’t care if you’re black or white… old or young… rich or poor… male or female… there comes a moment in everyone’s life when you raise your glass and realize… the damn coaster is still stuck to it…
I’ve been trying to figure out why I overslept today. Just realized drunk me set my calculator for $7.30.
When your spouse comes to you excited about a toilet seat, it’s best to remind yourself this person will most likely decide when to pull your life support plug someday so you get excited with them about that toilet seat.
[poking you repeatedly in the shoulder] I’ll keep this up until you acknowledge me. I’ve got nowhere else to be.
If you pretend you’re skimming you can straight up throw rocks at people.
They say guys who drive tiny sports cars are trying to over-compensate…
*walks up to guy in minivan*
“Sup?”
I never know what to do when someone tries to fist bump me, so I just slowly put their fist in my mouth
She has a weimerhi…wimerrihym….wimmerhie…
She has a big gray dog.
Laser hair removal? Uhhh, why would anyone with laser hair ever want to get it removed?
When I die I don’t want a big funeral. I’d just like a few of my close friends to get together and try to bring me back to life…
Jurassic park gets weird
“10 Things I Hate About You” is my favorite movie that sounds like a bitter Buzzfeed article
I’m not much of a wrestler, can this alligator play badminton?
Canadians are not always nice, especially if your son pisses on their snowman.
[at lunch with friend]
Friend: … but you didn’t hear that from me.
Me: [looking up from my phone] Hear what?
Friend: Exactly *winks*
6, during a homeschool lesson: Mommy, Grandma says it’s a good thing you didn’t become a teacher…
Me: Well, Grandma’s probably right.
6:…but that you should have done SOMETHING with your life.
Why do moths eat sweaters? Have they tried sandwiches or avocados
her: wow you wear those jeans everyday you must have like 5 pairs
me: [owns 1 pair of jeans] haha, 6 actually
I’ve literally never clicked copied and pasted text and thought, “I’m so glad it kept the formatting and font from the other document.”
Me: this is almost as scary as the dmv haha
Dentist: haha yeah, my license is suspended
Me: oh, what do you drive?
Dentist: deep breath and count back from 3. drive?
Me after 1 airport cocktail:
Kids are great bc it’ll be freezing and they’ll complain about being cold and you have to remind them that they can wear pants
*rolls out of bed*
*rolls into other strategically placed bed*
“Nice.”
Always remember to look for the end of the extension cord you left in the yard before taking a piss.
Did I tell you about the time I knocked down a kid with my bag on purpose? No? One time I knocked down a kid with my bag on purpose.
I thought about buying my wife a car for Christmas but then I remembered I don’t live in a commercial.
After 10 missed calls in a row, I’m tempted to answer the phone just so I can find out who wants to be murdered.
Look, mom, we can keep arguing about whether or not 28 is too old to live your parents but it’s not gonna help us find my iguana any faster.
*trimming my nose hair in the mirror
You sexy beast.