Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Car next to me in liquor store parking lot has a family sticker. She has SEVEN kids.

I better get in there quick! She’s gonna buy it all.

Me: *Chants in Latin in a deep, demonic voice while levitating*

My mom: Just ignore him. He’s only doing it for attention. Classic middle child syndrome.

Coughed up a pawn. Then a bishop.

Damn chess infection 😕

if my friends ever feel sad and they need to talk to somebody… they always know im right there… only 2-3 missed calls away

I now feel I’ve watched enough reruns of The Shawshank Redemption on basic cable that I’ll be able to successfully make it in prison.

Cop: looks like you’re wearing a seatbelt

Me: safety first 🙂

Cop: ok *closes port-a-potty door*

a lot of my Olympics excitement is knowing I can’t do that.
the internet’s always like, “just start carving $100,000 marble! can’t be a sculptor if you don’t try!”
It’s nice watching some kid swim faster than a submarine while I snack, knowing I don’t have to compete with that

Pluto takes 248 years to orbit the sun, or roughly one baseball game

Wanna know what 1000 marbles spilling on a tile floor sounds like?

Have kids.

Imagine being reincarnated as grass?

Smothered by snow. That melts and then you get trampled by kids at play, shit on by dogs, scorched by sun, flooded by rain, then once a week have your head chopped off.

Why didn’t I marry a hairdresser or a baker. I did not think this through.

PRO TIP: Stall your execution by asking if the lethal injection chemicals are gluten-free.

[getting shot out of a cannon] *to my date* I’ll call you when I land, Denise.

I used to wait for hrs with my finger on the record button of a boom box after requesting a song on the radio. I’m familiar with commitment.

My perfect woman has the brain of Marie Curie & the body of Marilyn Monroe. This obsession with extreme memorabilia is perhaps her only flaw

my cat frankie loves this weird ugly chair that came with my apartment. it’s gotta be one of his top 3 favorite spots to chill or sleep and probably like every third time i walk in and find him there i go “chairman of the board over here” but he never laughs

If I got arrested I’d ask for one tweet instead of a phone call because none of my friends answer their goddamn phones.

I think that as a reward for losing 200 lbs you should be able to use all of that loose skin to become a human version of a flying squirrel.

A frittata is just an omelette for people too lazy to flip things.

Me:*hits rock bottom* welp, it can’t get any worse

Rock bottoms older brother: Is this the guy that hit you

Me: ᴼʰ ⁿᵒ

that would 100% work on me

When the sonographer says your ovaries look like the dark side of the moon, that’s good, right?

Why did the man with no hands go to the doctor?
Because he didn’t feel well.

I’ve been cutting the chocolate milk with regular milk so it will go further and my kids have never noticed. I would’ve been a really good drug dealer.

[alternate reality]
[dogs walking their humans on leashes]
dog1: have u heard of upman?
dog2: whats upman?
dog1: not much man whats up w/ u?

me: the Kool-Aid man was basically a reverse vampire. he’d go into people’s houses uninvited and have them drink his blood

my therapist: again, it’s not technically wrong but I’m concerned you have diagrams

I’m so pro-life,

I believe life begins at erection.

Praying for someone else’s sins is the ultimate “I’d like to speak to the manager”

reminder