Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me *swallows pride*

Baby lion: holy shit

A 5yo’s energy is wild. How are you doing parkour while you relax and watch tv? Why are you upside down? Relax, please I’m getting tired just watching you hahah

If I had $5 (inflation) every single time an older woman started the “I’m his wife, we’ve been married x amount of years, you can talk to me” fight, I’d have enough money to buy this app and give it it’s old name back.

Sexy lingerie is for single folks… cause when you married, and you gotta fold that shit, it loses all of its appeal… I’m over here struggling, makin a buncha thong balls… these joints is harder to fold than a fitted sheet… #SaturdayMorning

I realized if I whisper at Alexa, she whispers back

I wish it worked on everyone

losing it at this lady preaching abstinence at LSU and the students just going buck wild

In the army. One day we f***** off our CO & he made us polish our boots “like a mirror”. We had to march into his office 1 by 1 and hold our boots up for inspection. Except it was always the same pair, we just handed them to the next squaddie in the hall as we left his office.

If only the door of my car had a warning light for when it was getting low on takeout napkins.

me in high school: oh my god I missed two hairs on my legs, I am an abomination

me today: the bug spray has lemongrass and peppermint in it so it doubles as perfume

things are bad enough, today i’m playing goodminton

10:00: gets in hammock

10:00 to 10:20: relaxes in hammock

10:21 to 11:57: gets out of hammock

i’m angry no one’s ever pranked me by having 10 pizzas delivered that i didn’t order

Remember in the early days of the internet, when you’d go on chat rooms and it was just a scrolling screen of strangers yelling random things? It’s amazing how much has changed since then

No Olympian will ever be better at medaling than the gang on Scooby Doo.

[packing for holiday]

WIFE: U don’t have to only put suits in a suitcase

ME: [putting underwear in briefcase] I don’t make the rules Karen

My wife asked why I spend more time preparing for fantasy football than I spent planning our wedding, and apparently that wasn’t the best time to explain my amazing draft strategy.

Irritating friend: I passed your house yesterday.
Me: Thanks. I really appreciate that.

Me: You got that talent from me!
13yo: Don’t take credit for my genuis!

I’m too fat to be a hipster. I’m thinking of becoming a Heapster instead.

[making yellowjackets]
Angel: These things don’t really do anything other than sting people
God: We’re running out of college mascots

I was having a drink of coffee and didn’t see the pothole in the road, so that’s on me.

*peeing in the urinal at McDonalds*
*turns to the guy peeing in the other urinal*
“So, what did you order?”

Divorce math is ending the year 10lbs heavier but 180lbs lighter

Live your life so that a group of nuns sings a whole song about trying to solve a problem like you

The “walk of shame” should be going to a bar the next morning after being drunk looking for your lost debit card.

Me: I don’t know…this one has a great turning radius but the other one just looks better.

Husband: For God’s sake, just grab the next available shopping cart!

Don’t cry because it’s over. Cry because you’re just a head in a jar in some science lab.

[moving day]

Me: Here we go. Bye house.

Husband: You forgot the kids.

Me: I filled out a change of address card. They’ll find us eventually.

I need to get baked …goods for the staff party this afternoon.