Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

uʍop ǝpısdn pǝuɹnʇ-pǝddıןɟ ʇob ǝɟıן ʎɯ
ʍoɥ ʇnoqɐ ןןɐ ʎɹoʇs ɐ sı sıɥʇ ‘ʍou

[fancy restaurant]

ME: *combs my beard with a fork*

HER: what the hell man

ME: oh shit did I use the wrong one?

I don’t like it when my phone puts a word in “quotals” like I made it up or I’m stupid or something.

{about to have sex}

Her: *seductively kicks off heels and rips open blouse

Me: *panics as I look for a spot to set down my half eaten taco

me: *pounding on son’s locked bedroom door* open up this instant! this is my house

son: no it isn’t, you have a mortgage so it’s the bank’s house. have someone from wells fargo come and tell me

me: [to wife] i knew we shouldn’t have gotten him those personal finance books

God grant me the FOOD to sustain my body,
the LAUNDRY DETERGENT to wash the stains from my clothes,
and the WISDOM to know the difference.

[turns up radio in the car]
Me: I love this song. I want us to conceive our first child to it
Hitchhiker: dude just drop me off here

Me: I just killed a HUGE spider!
Him: It was actually a piece of yarn.
Me: A HUGE, scary piece of yarn!

I started a book club. A coloring book club. There’s a line to get in. We’re never on the same page. Nothing’s black & white. We’re well red

Remember, when asking for a raise, it is considered customary to be sober.

If you watch home alone backwards it’s about kid who tortures two strangers then his family comes home and yells at him

“I don’t think we should see each other anymore.”

*turns off lights*

*giggles*

professor x: your 2 year old is not a mutant
me: but he knows which foods he hates BEFORE HE’S TRIED THEM

*immediately after a hysterectomy*

ok weigh me now.

‘i have been exhausted since i was 30’

~me as a 29-yr old.

gently explaining to Cathy that in Canada you don’t open google maps and type “Tim Hortons” you just drive 3 minutes in literally any direction

[commandos infiltrating enemy fortress]

COMMANDO 1: uh oh, we’ve got company!

COMMANDO 2: damn *opens wine and begins to set table*

I went to high school with these people on Facebook, so I’m confused on how they didn’t learn HOW TO SPELL.

Me: OMG I love this song

Radio: should I play it again

Me: okay

Radio: fifteen times

Me: wait

Radio: every hour

Me: no

Radio: for the next six months

January is lasting longer than my marriage

Me: What’s the wifi password?

Barman: You need to buy a drink first.

Me: Okay, I’ll have a coke.

Barman: Is Pepsi okay?

Me: Sure. How much is that?

Barman: £3.

Me: There you go. So what’s the wifi password?

Barman: You need to buy a drink first. No spaces, all lowercase.

Thanks for the swallow!

-bird collectors (you perv!!!)

5: Unicorns aren’t real.

13: Where do you think glitter comes from?

10: And if unicorns didn’t sneeze we wouldn’t have slime either.

Big Sisters: the original fake news source

When a squirrel runs on the road then turns around quickly is it because he thinks he left his little squirrel iron on?

It’s fine when the cat looks like this. Hell it’s actually good.

[while listening to halloween sounds cd I bought] spooky huh [friend on road trip with me] yeah but got anythin else its like a 6 hour drive

imagine a store where you can steal anything for free. if you steal it, it’s yours. to make it exciting, if you get caught, they arrest you

To make my guests comfortable, I always put a sign in the bathroom that says “Don’t worry, I cleaned, those are permanent stains.”

it’s the silliest best thing