Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Dear Gym,

I feel we should have an honest relationship, so it’s only fair you should know…

I’m just using you to get into my own pants.

After staying home with the kids, my first day back to work was going great until I peed with the door open yelling SHARE!

What? You want to show me pictures of fireworks? That you took all by yourself? Hold on.

*drops acid*

Ok, go.

[last supper]
Judas: Here, I brought this
Jesus: A bottle of wine? Srsly? I need that like I need a hole in my hand
Judas: *winks at camera*

I am never too old to redecorate your garden gnomes in the middle of the night.

”You can’t outsmart me! I know what you’re up to” I say to my cat. I lie

Weird how my husband is so adamant about not having more animals for someone who’s going to own more animals.

‘We’ll give you something to complain about.’

~pharmaceutical ads

Husband: Where are Girl Scout cookies?

Me: We were robbed.

Husband: They only took the cookies?

Me: Well, that and the vase your mom gave us for the holidays. Weird, right?

Me: I fell down the stairs with a quart of Jägermeister & I didn’t spill a drop.

Him: Well, how’d you do that?

Me: I kept my mouth shut..

The people in this spin class are looking at me like they’ve never seen a girl with a helmet before.

‘Hello Microsoft support, what’s the nature of the problem?’
‘Eggshell’
‘Eggshell??’
‘Yesh’
‘Oh hello again Mr Connery. Spreadsheet issues?’

[guy who’s about to invent politics]

*getting along with everyone* this just won’t do

I love when the IRS asks if I’ve lived in a state of emergency or disaster area in the tax year like every year hasn’t been a state of emergency or disaster area.

you got a fast car
I got a plan to jump in front of it

Android Oreo announced today; you’ll be able to update your devices by the time the next solar eclipse comes around.

I have no idea what “I’m just waiting for the code to compile.” means but if you say it to your boss he’ll let you get back to your video game.

Voting has begun in Russia’s presidential election. Results will be known last week

How to shape your eyebrows

A thread

[Listening to Natalie Imbruglia’s ‘Torn’ while warm, unashamed, standing fully clothed on the ceiling] I can’t relate to this

6: *practicing her gymnastics beam routine*

Me, with my hand stuck in a Pringles can: don’t forget to point your toes!

I backed my car away from the intersection so a jogger could run by and they waved at me THREE times.

In my head, we are now married and have two children, Charles and Ariel.

Christmas in 3 weeks and everyone’s gifts still in my thoughts and prayers

[in Walmart]
“Excuse me, do you have towels?”
“Oh, I don’t work here.”
[leans in close]
“I don’t give a shit where you work.”

i was told today that I have “resting smug face” but trust me I’m making the effort

Marriage: an institution where having to slightly adjust your mirrors every time you get in your car puts you in a homicidal rage.

Des Moines Police having a normal one

Cute cat
“Thanks. We dont let him in though cause he shreds”
You mean sheds?
“No” [gestures to cat shredding to Van Halen on the back patio]

waiter: any allergies i should know about?

me: uh, peanuts?

waiter: [disappointed] aw i already know that one.

Drinking 8 glasses of water isn’t easy, but I get really thirsty when I eat Funyuns. So problem solved. It feels good to be healthy.