Minister: Should anyone present know of a reason why this couple should not be joined in holy matrimony, speak now, or…
Me: I’m so glad you asked, she still hasn’t returned two of my favorite Tupperware containers.
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angel: whatcha making?
god: *plugging a snake into an electrical outlet* eel
[saturday, 5am]
no one:
no one at all:
delivery truck: I AM BACKING UP!!!!
confuse your coworkers today by telling them you’re going to the restroom to do a “number 3”
I just watched an ad for a stain remover in which they cleaned a pool of blood off a sofa and it seemed perfectly normal.
Being off twitter for so long gave me the time to appreciate what’s really important in life, so I’m back on twitter
My 8 year-old desperately wants to be a teacher when she grows up and loves pretending she’s a teacher around the house. Today I found her eating a cupcake in the kitchen and when I asked her who said that was OK she replied, “it’s teacher appreciation day”
Please, pdf is my father. Call me pdf (1)
Unfortunately Katy Perry, I couldn’t fit in the skin tight jeans so instead of a teenage dream my husband gets Blair Witch.
Nobody ever collects famous first words.
Marries a mime. Lives quietly ever after.
my 23 y/o boyfriend: have you heard this band? *turns on the beatles*
We only teach “stop, drop and roll” to put out fire but honestly if you do it in pretty much any social situation it will also stop that.
Feel like these super villains wouldn’t have to steal so much if they didn’t insist on paying for all their goons to be wearing the same outfit.
*keeps opening fridge even though I know there’s nothing good in there*
Me: why do I keep doing this, lol
*opens twitter*
I don’t care who dies in the movie but it better not be the dog.
Caffeine is bad for you, fat is bad for you, sugar is bad for you. But don’t worry, because worrying is bad for you too.
my biggest flaw is saying “don’t worry i’m gucci” when in fact i am t.j maxx
The child that I carried in my uterus for 9 months & suffered through 13 hrs of labor for just asked if he could have my pickle.
Hell. No.
Give us this day our daily internet validation
Boss: Did you get my email?
Me: Yes. It had italics, all-caps, and highlighting and I had no idea how to prioritize that information.
Nice try Mormons moms, but no amount of propaganda could trick me into being a good wife!
HOW TO DISPOSE OF BATTERIES
– set them aside until you can look up how to dispose of batteries
– find them 3 months later
– look both ways
– slip them into the trash
[answers phone during date]
hi mom, no it’s not a bad time. breeding hips? yeah I’d say so. yes I ate all my salad
Fitness update: I rode a bike yesterday, and today it feels like I’m smuggling a baseball
Avril Lavigne: He was a boy. She was a girl. Can I make it any more obvious?
Me: Yes you could. That is incredibly vague.
The first stage of a realistic baking show would be each contestant trying to open a jammed utensil drawer.
Eat local. Your neighbor’s food.
My wife complains that I never open the car door for her, but when I do she’s all, “Stop it, you’re driving too fast! We’re on a bridge!”
I assume you left your plate on the counter right after I left the kitchen spotless because you were in a hurry TO FIND A NEW PLACE TO LIVE