Minnesota is my favorite state that sounds like it’s a small soft drink.
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ME: What are you watching?
WIFE: The Wheel Of Time.
ME: It’s called a clock, Sharon.
HER: Get out.
I have yet again allowed myself to get one year older. Thinking about doing it at least one more time.
feetloaf
WAITER: so did you enjoy your meal this evening?
GF: I DID, until some IDIOT ruined it with his food puns
ME: I cannoli assume she means you
Annoying coworker: “I just had a near death experience!”
Me: “Awww. Keep trying. You’ll get it next time, bud!”
If a woman asks you to guess her age, always subtract 10 years from your estimate. IMPORTANT: Do NOT do this if she’s in her early twenties.
I buy mixed berries because I like them, but really I enjoy eating blackberries with raspberries, and imagining that I’m eating the world’s tiniest chess board.
All my mom’s plants die from being overwatered and that’s all you need to know about my childhood and why I’m like this.
There’s no gangsta way to say “Oopsie Daisy.” I know that now.
*seductively tries to take off sock with his other foot*
Why does Minnie Mouse wear heels? She is the only female mouse Mickey knows. Pressure’s off, girl. Your boyfriend doesn’t even have a shirt.
I can’t feel my face when I’m with you, but I love it.
Doctor: This is your third Botox appointment. That wasn’t even funny the first time.
When your chip basket is empty and your server’s busy.
Requiring everyone’s clocks to be the same is communism. Let the free market decide what time it is
The most disappointing sentence in the human language is “This next song is off of our new album”.
Ernest Hemingway buys a pair of shoes mail order, but accidentally orders in a baby’s size. He tries to sell them, but no one understands
I’d change my name to laundry if it meant you’d think about doing me every day.
What I say: it’s time for bed
What my child hears: you have been sentenced to life in prison with no parole
“This soup is fantastic, I’ll have another please.”
Bartender: “Ma’am, that’s a martini”
So many people say they love their Roomba, but you never see them set it free.
Punish millennials by making a Three’s Company reference and forcing them to Google it or talk to an elder.
date: i think i’ve been here before
me: really? this is my first fancy french restaurant
date: i’m definitely having deja vu
me: nice [hands menus back to waiter] make that 2 deja vus please
Millennial: OMG, you don’t even know how to make a gif? That’s so tragic to me right now. Can you at least make a meme?
Me: I own a house.
channeling her this year
[meeting GF’s mom]
Wow! This must be your sister! Your baby sister! *shakes keys in front of her face* I’m overselling this, aren’t I?
It’s bullshit that you can accidentally make a baby, but not something awesome like a soufflé.
Dude, I’d love to go out with you, but this one person 80s dance party in my living room isn’t going to host itself.
Me: Excuse me, where’s the rowing boat equipment?
Employee: Keep going down there, Oar Aisle.
Me: …
Employee: …
Me: Or you’ll what?
so I’m driving back from the shops and I see someone walking a corgi, and it’s pretty quiet so obviously I pull over to say hi, because, you know, corgi, and lads I had fully parked the car and gotten out before I realised
that the person was my husband and the corgi is my corgi
He has notifications on for me pray for his phone