Minnesota is my favorite state that sounds like it’s a small soft drink.
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[sits backwards in chair so i look cool]
date: you’re gonna miss the movie
Lady behind me on this @delta flight is complaining to the stewardess because they made her check her bag and there’s a ton of room.
Her husband to the stewardess: “you know she went to college with the CEO of Delta”
Stewardess: “You should have kept in touch.”
💀
every time you use task manager to shut down an application your computer should play a gunshot sound effect and a haunting scream that’s somehow different every time.
Drying the waistband of my jeans with a hairdryer as God intended.
dad, why does my cake say “we dont want a talking cake”
“its a long story son”
Having kids is like hoping for the Little House on the Prairie but getting Lord of the Flies instead.
Almost done with my screenplay about the end of the world, and only cats survive.
I call it “Apocalypse Meow”.
ME: You know what they say, “Never go to bed hungry.”
HER: Angry.
ME: *Mouth full of nuggets* It’s prolly cuz you’re hungry.
This fake stomach ache feels like I’ll be leaving work early today to go to a bar to watch the Steelers game.
Me: Hello, is it me you’re looking for?
Her: no
Me: *dials another number* Hello, is it me you’re looking for?
I always say no to drugs. But, if they ever start deep frying them, I’m in big trouble.
[in the insect dissection room]
Your fly is open.
A diamond is forever, and so is my teen’s grudge against me for giving her a sister and not a brother 10 years ago.
people flirting in your comments are like bats writing love notes to eachother in the smoke of your dumpster fire
Fridge smart enough to tell me l left the door open but too lаzy to just close it for me. Worthless.
When I was a kid I vowed that when I grew up my freezer would always be filled with ice cream bars.
Meet my wife, the dream killer.
What’s going on under there? Nobody has to know but you. – Poncho salesman
Friend: You thinking what I’m thinking?
Me: It’s bullshit there weren’t schools from other continents in the Triwizard Tournament?
F: ….
Guy jogging pushing stroller for two kids. But only one there. Don’t think he knows he lost one.
Wife: Can you turn on the computer?
Me: [starts dancing seductively in front of computer]
Wife: why for everything
Life Hack: In any hipster coffee shop, say “You haven’t seen The Wire?” and in the ensuing commotion, leave without paying.
Sister1: People can see your bra when you lean forward
Sister2: Yeah a beige one would be less noticeable than turquoise
Me: Well if they’re gonna get a peek it may as well be pretty
Her: there’s something different about you
Me, slowly transitioning into a werewolf: HOWOOOOOOOOO do you mean?
I need to make my kids understand that I’m not staff, I’m management.
Me: I’ll start work early so I can stop working earlier
Also me: *just works twice as many hours cuz I started earlier
Instead of looking for things that divide you look for things that bring you together, like the way you all look for things that divide you.
Interviewer: “Are you comfortable staring at a computer screen eight hours a day?”
Me: *looks up from phone*
“What?”
me: I’d like to buy that lady at the end of the bar a drink
judge: no
A crab has one big arm because that’s the one he uses to bring all the groceries in.