Mint flavored condoms called condomints. Thanks for following.
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So honored that @funTweeters chose one of my tweets! I absolutely love that site! #FF
Oh he looks allergic to me. I’ll go sit on him
~ cats
If the kids can’t find something I say “I think it’s in the car” then I sit in the car for 10 minutes on my own pretending to look for it
Parent level: expert
Ocean’s Eleven? Ummmm I’m pretty sure it’s a little older than that. Who is this idiot?
I thought $3 eggs 🥚 were a lot
Until a saw a small bag of pistachios at the Airport going for $18
Next time you yawn in front of me i’m gonna chuck a peanut m&m down your throat.
Just found out my wife is pregnant.
Considering we haven’t had sex in two years, we’ve decided to name him Jesus
Psychic: The one you love is closer than you think.
Narcissist: *looks into mirror* yes
Don’t worry guys. I’ve got a scented candle and THREE healing crystals. I’ll have Twitter fixed up by noon tomorrow
When my Internet is down for more than 2 minutes, I assume Western civilization has collapsed so I start looting.
Darth: You should not have come back, old man.
Obi Wan: I DIDN’T. I was going to Alderaan. You caught our ship with a tractor beam. Idiot.
Don’t tell me miracles don’t happen, I opened the dryer door and there was nothing inside!
My wheelchair keeps making a screaming noise when I run over people.
I just innocently told my wife that for the past 8 years I’ve thought it was okay to put bobbles and hair pins in the bin if they’re just left lying around.
Holy shit. What a moment.
Be to, or be not to, the question, that is.
– Yoda does Hamlet
*licks lips*
Me: “Do that thing I like babe.”
Him: *orders pizza*
I just walked up three flights of stairs really fast, so if anyone needs me, I’ll be dead at the top of the stairwell.
Every Father’s Day I think about the time I jokingly asked my 4 year-old daughter if she was going to get me a “World’s Best Dad” mug. “Nope,” she said gravely. “I haven’t met all the dads in the world.”
You think if I tell my dad “30 is the new 20” he’ll start paying all my bills for me again like he did 10 years ago?
The first thing to do today is find out where I parked the car and then try to remember why I’m still in it
Date: describe yourself to me in three words
Me:
shakira sharkira
day 1: we’re in this together babe.
day 47: i can hear you breathing.
I don’t want to sound like an alarmist but
Wooooop Wooooop
Rearrearrearrear
Booloo Booloo Booloo
Weeuuuweeuuuweeuuu
Beeep Beeep Beeep Beeep
Ways to contact strangers, from least to most creepy:
1) Text
2) Call
3) Doorbell
4) Urinal Convo
5) Backseat popup
6) Under bed ankle grab
i choose….tongue
*reading news story about how great some guy is* wow this guy sounds great *reading further* oh no, he’s a bomber and he’s dead
Yep, it’s true👇🏼😂😂😂
