I accidentally heated my Hot Pocket for 20:00 instead of 2:00 and now there’s a giant radioactive Hot Pocket in my apartment watching my tv
Mint flavored condoms called condomints. Thanks for following.
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14: ‘I think the Wi-Fi is out again.’
Me: ‘You kids! Heck, when I was your age I’d be outside and-‘
14: ‘It’s back.’
Me: ‘Good talk.’
This whiskey tastes like I should tell you what your problem is.
YOUR PASSWORD IS TOO LITERAL PLEASE TRY AGAIN
ARE YOU KIDDING ME RIGHT NOW
[Scientist describing evolution of the zebra]
“We believe they were crime horses that stayed in jail for like a really, really long time.”
*stops next to punks at red light*
*stares them down, turns up The Walking Dead opening music*
*light turns green, slowly accelerates*
[leaving the restaurant]
me [wearing 5 Burger King crowns] If they didn’t want you to take more than one there’d be a sign
i just bought a used car and the owners left their “baby on board” sign in it. i don’t have any children so i just wrote “former” on it
It is a truth universally acknowledged that no two people have the same interpretation of the words “We need to leave in ten minutes.”
Never bring a knife to a gunfight. Bring one of those long grabber sticks so you can take the other guy’s gun away.