Mint flavored condoms called condomints. Thanks for following.
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50 Shades of Letting People on the Train Know You’re Not Getting Laid
HR is giving me a hard time because I’ve been starting all my work emails with:
Dearly Beloved
Surprised my wife with freshly washed towels. She didn’t ask for it but when she opened the linen closet four towels fell on her
Five Secrets of Successful People:
1. Don’t
2. Tell
3. Anyone
4. Your
5. Secrets
The Good News: My doctor says I’m healthy as a horse.
The Bad News: She used another large farm animal to describe my weight.
Dear Coworker, If I’m nodding my head & smiling at everything you’ve said, this means I’m fantasizing about getting banged by David Beckham.
Its true…
No one is shocked when a defibrillator doesn’t work.
i am disgusted by the physical act of handshaking. it is morally unacceptable that u cant just extend your arm and fist the wind
Judge: So, you maintain that he took advantage of you?
Her: Yes Your Honor!
Judge: When did you realize this?
Her: When his check bounced
half of halloween decorations are “what if a pumpkin could smile :)” and the other half is “would you like to see a clown stab a dog”.
WIFE: I’m starting to think my husband has lied about his profession.
WIFES FRIEND: Why?
[I walk through the door and hang up my McDonald’s visor]
ME: Hey honey I’m back from the lawyer factory.
Spent two weeks with my grandmother and now I know why grandpa was a drunk
What is the deal with airplane food?
Seriously, I’m trying to feed this thing and I don’t know what airplanes eat.
Best vacation spots:
1. My Bed
2. My Couch
3. That corner spot at the bar
4. Air ducts at work
Three turkeys ran through the yard and all I could think was “wait guys, I’m coming too.”
tried to blow dust off my phone and spat all over it
so yeah, i’m adorable
Bugs Bunny taught me my choices aren’t limited to fight or flight, I can also pretend I’m a pretty lady.
If it defies all logic, and makes very little sense then it was probably my idea…
…and for my next trick, I will turn yesterday’s sweatpants into today’s sweatpants.
Me – Actually goes for a walk
FitBit – You OK?
Remember Chucky? This is what he looks like now.
I picked my nephew up from daycare today, Mind you, he’s biracial but looks like a white kid. They asked him if he knew who I was and why did this man look me dead in my face and say he didn’t know me…
Had them people ready to call the cops on me.
I find it hilarious that this ant is pretending like he doesn’t care that I can kill him with one finger. Yea okay, keep walking tough guy.
MAGICIAN: Now the woman is in the box, I will saw her in half!
EVERYONE: *gasps*
ME *whispers to wife* ok you were right, a magician at a funeral is weird
When you have bad handwriting, notes to yourself are just fun little mysteries you get to solve later on
It’s hard to believe 2019 was only 15 years ago
I’ve joined a 12 step program.
Six to the fridge. Six back to the couch.
If you wear a falconry glove to the park and frantically look around the sky everyone with a small dog will leave.
A shout out to all those who remember the keys of the house only after shutting the door.