Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My favourite child is the one who just told me I’m so funny. Don’t know her name yet but she lives down the street.

I don’t do Botox anymore cause when I can’t make my angry face, people just assume it’s ok to talk to me.

stanley hudson: [on deathbed] I’m amazed I lasted as long as I did

michael scott: that’s what she said

“And to my heirs, I will leave all this….”

*gestures toward 146 half-full nail polishes, all roughly the same color

Sorry I said you and your husband look related.

What I say: No!

What my kids hear: There’s a really good chance if you keep asking.

What are you listening to?
The Who
Who?
Yes
You’re listening to Yes?
No The Who
Oh I like them
No not Them. The band is The Who.
The Band?

I don’t push people away, I just do the Macarena

People that use shot glasses baffle me. Just take a swig out of the bottle like a normal person.

I’ve never seen the movie Snakes On A Plane. What’s it about?

I’m at the age where I look good “for my age”

My baby bump popped this week, and I’m still waiting for the maternity clothes I ordered to arrive. If you see me walking around looking like Winnie the Pooh, just mind ya business.

The Maze Runner. #MazeRunner

Thursday thoughts from my late father…

“Whadya mean you can’t change a tire. What do you think I sent you to college for?”

I refuse to wear a mask into the store. “Ma’am, we can’t let you in here,” one of the associates explains. I storm off in a huff. The year is 2005, and I am once again too ugly to buy cream cheese

I just got hit head on by a crazy women riding a menstrual cycle.

‘THE POWER OF CHRIST COMPELS YOU!’

~me, parenting teens

My 1-year-old already knows how to open the baby gate. She stands there, screams, and I open the gate for her.

Promises so empty, you thought it was your bank account

When people come into my office and complain, I’ve started gently pushing things off my desk while maintaining eye contact. You’d be amazed at how much shorter the conversations are.

I respect the tenacity of the Jurassic theme park investors who won’t stop trying to crack the profit formula for making money on murder monsters who keep eating the customers.

KID: where do babies come from
ME: [interrupts] and how do we stop that

True dat! 😂😂😂😂

I’m almost 45 years old and I’ve never been to an open house before. Can I use their toaster?

instructions: stir halfway through cooking then put back in microwave

me: oui chef

when the buffet is more honest than your date

What if you went to ET’s planet and all of the other ET’s were wearing clothes.

I’m quite sure if Adam had offered Eve a donut, that whole Garden of Eden thing would’ve gone in an entirely different direction.

“Impeccable” sounds like a general immunity to crow attacks…

Couldn’t afford a man cave. Had to settle for a gazebro