Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A person on the check out saw my son holding a dinosaur toy & tried to play with him saying “ahh will it eat me!?” & he just looked at her, with the straightest, most confused face ever, and said “no, it’s a herbivore” 😂 #Autism

If you’ve seen one lion attack you’ve seen a maul

The next wave of scammers will have old people call you

I always like to start an argument before a family road trip so no one speaks to me during the drive.

new year update: losing everything but weight

Went to my uncle’s funeral today open bar pretty good food but my uncle was dead 3/5 stars

If your kid asks for a napkin it’s already too late.

Ronald McDonald’s favorite song is the bigmacarena

You’re probably wondering how I tweet so much while maintaining a loving marriage and two amazing kids. The key is neglect.

Just heard the phrase naturally boneless chicken and that’ll keep me awake tonight.

The average person eats 8 spiders a year

*eating 2nd bowl of spiders*
“WHO’S AVERAGE NOW DAD?”

peeping toms

#TwitterWouldBeBetterWithout my mother-in-law..here’s actual footage of me finding out she’s found my account..

I just need to go ahead and admit it.

I’m not mature enough to live in a state called Idaho

mission: save the cat

obstacles: the cat

If someone bumps into you while you are wearing camouflage you have no one to blame but yourself.

OK, I’m ready for Senior Mints now.

Doctors texting each other.

“Sorry I’m late”

Why are there scratches all over your face?

“Jujitsu training”

You can scratch in jujitsu?

“It’s my cat’s best move”

I always say I heat up pizza rolls in the oven because they taste better that way but the truth is the amount of them I eat won’t fit in the toaster

Me: *leaning into him* I wanna do things to you that are illegal in 50 states

Him: yeah?

*steals his car*

Ghosts can’t cut or color their hair; hence they’re supernatural

[The Last Airbender, nervous on a date]

*breaks wind*

Ope, excuse me. I’m a little out of my element here.

Ok, milk… Check!
Potato salad… Check!
Tomatoes… Check!

“Sir, can you wait for the total and just write one check please?”

Doug is just Canadian for dog

[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m a veterinarian
Me: thank you for your service
Date: veterinarian not veteran
Me: ok but still

i think anyone who has ever had beautiful styled hair or tried to hold a big pile of leaves in their hands will know the trouble a gust of wind can cause.

If you bring back your paper bags at Whole Foods, they’ll give a refund of 5 cents. After a year you’ll have enough money to buy an orange.

Psychiatrist: “Your check bounced and was returned for insufficient funds.”

Me: “So how does that make you feel?”