[minutes after eating mac & cheese] u know what would be amazing right now- and honestly it’s been a while since I’ve had it- mac & cheese
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Me, at front door: I’m going running
Mom, in bathroom: Who’s that?
Me: It’s me!
Mom (mother of 3): THAT DOESN’T HELP
I don’t mean to brag but I’ve perfected the confused look whenever my credit cards get declined
My milkshake brings 30-50 hogs to the yard.
And they’re like, “are these kids yours?
Damn right, you wild boars.
I could beat you, but you’re rather large.
“Miss me yet?” – 2019
[plant facts!!]
bananas are technically berries
almonds are seeds
avocados are mammals
most cucumbers are haunted
potatoes aren’t even real
texting with my sister in law fighting for my life to keep up with her exclamation points
What can you do when your in-laws give uncomfortably long hugs while greeting you?
Search their pockets. You might want to ask if they’re carrying anything sharp like knives or needles.
I know that now.
In terms of spelling difficulty, I think the word “average” is between easy and hard.
My dad said he thinks his new gf is the one and I said well technically she’s the fifth one
#WhenYouAdoptAPet you’ll always be safe from cheese. #tailsofjoy
“haha! silly rabbit! trix are for-” *rabbit puts a gun to the kids head* who are they for billy. tell me again who they’re for
someone tried to scam my grandpa by pretending to be me saying “hey grandpa, it’s your grandson, i’m stranded in europe and i need you to wire me $5,000” and my grandpa was just like “…robert would never be in europe”
Imagine if spiders screamed at us when we found them.
Sad that 25 years ago Homer Simpson seemed like a looser in American culture and now it’s like: “Whoa…that guy has a job AND owns a home?”
INTERVIEWER: What happened at your last job?
ME: I was fired for being too literal.
I: How have you supported yourself since then?
M: Legs.
the only thing i remember about my school’s gifted program was learning about whales.
what was it about whales that the other kids weren’t ready for? the mystery haunts me to this day.
Okay, he’s ricocheted off a few buildings, but he seems fine now.
every other girl looks super cute in her leggings & boots & sweater and here i just look like your jazzercising aunt in her stirrup pants from 1991
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Child: I’m full.
Me: Okay.
Child: Can I have dessert?
Me: What? You just said you were full.
Child: Yeah, full of THIS.
[first date]
“You’re not into anything weird right?”
-not at all
*gestures to my ferret army to fall back*
Next time you want to hurt a horse’s feelings, tell him he’s hung like a human.
My boss is having a colonoscopy today.
I sure hope they find his head.
*dipping a pine cone in my coffee* Gosh I just love fall
Why use words you don’t understand in your tweets? It just makes you look photosynthesis.
At what age do you have THE talk with your daughter about how she is not the princess of anything and she’ll need to get a job.
Is it 6?
ex: i wish you well
me: i hope you fall into one
How long can one listen to a kid talk before it’s officially considered a hostage situation?
PATIENT: Doc, I haven’t been able to bone my wife lately and I really think-
DR DOG: Wait. Tell me more about the bone part
