[minutes after eating mac & cheese] u know what would be amazing right now- and honestly it’s been a while since I’ve had it- mac & cheese
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[at bar]
Him: Why’s a pretty girl like you sitting all alone?
Me: I peed my pants.
Me: “What’s the haps, yo?”
19yo niece: …
Me: …
19yo niece: …
Me: “I’m sorry.”
. No Shoes
No Shirt
No Problem
Welcome To Walmart.
Merica.
We all started out as eggs here.
Apparently, some just end up cracking.
Shipwreck survivors on an island
S1: We told you to spell ‘SOS’ with those coconuts!
S2: I know but I want our rescuers to know I’m a vegan.
Guy walking in on me in the bathroom
Me: Excuse me. I’m on the phone.
(Face painter at kid’s birthday party): …and what shall I paint on your face?
Me: Enthusiasm.
A joke is only funny if both of you are laughing.
*and other lies we tell our kids
I used to be an atheist until my 8YO started asking for help with her math homework
The 70’s were tough. My dad would kick my ass if I died from a peanut allergy.
How come when I was a kid and lost a tooth it was all “Look at you, big guy!,” but now it’s just “Bro, you really gotta reconsider your life choices.”
What this four-way stop needs is some kind of signal that would let people know when it’s their turn to go
*sees a fly*
ahhh
*trying to swat fly*
nooo
*gives up*
well if ur gona stay at least pay rent lol
FLY: *hands me a tiny check*
ME: wat the
Well, well, well. Guess who the grocery store asked to come back soon
Your honor, I was only doing a facepalm and his face got in the way of my face.
Every morning after I get up, the first thing I do is make my bed.
Tomorrow I’m returning this piece of shit to IKEA.
#HatDadJoke
The chances of you being killed by a chinchilla are low, but never zero
The bad news is, I accidentally took the wrong medications this morning
The good news: Guess who is now protected from fleas and heartworms for the next 3 months?
when you wait until you’re practically crowning to take a pregnancy test
I got this “breathe” tattoo because I don’t have a central nervous system and it’s a helpful reminder.
Me: “Do you have any songs you’re really hoping to learn in piano lessons?”
7 yo boy, dead serious: “Well my main goal for being here is really to learn The Muffin Man.”
You got it, brother. 🫡
dislike seeing adult twins in public. feels like they’re going to ask me a riddle
it’s bullshit that someone made a bowl out of wet dirt 30,000 years ago and now i have to load a dishwasher
there’s a lot of rumors going around about me about how I exaggerate the number of rumors going around about me
[cocktail party]
Me: [swirls brandy]
Brandy: PUT ME DOWN
I have passed 4 levels of the interview process for a new job, and the final step is a personality assessment, so that’s unfortunate.
Got a text from my husband this morning saying that this wasn’t working out and he wanted a divorce! Boy was I relieved when he texted back saying that he sent it to the wrong number.
[doing group photography]
ME: now let me take one without the flash
THE FLASH: what the-
REST OF JUSTICE LEAGUE: wait let’s hear him out
First day as a 911 operator:
“whoa, whoa, stop yelling. You called ME, remember?”