Mirena IUD Commercial on Hulu: “If you can’t keep a plant alive, you definitely aren’t ready to have a baby.”
Me to my kids sitting in the room WHO KNOW THEIR MOM KILLED A CACTUS ONCE: “Welp. This is awkward.”
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I accidentally swallowed some food coloring.
The doctor says I’m okay, but I feel like I’ve dyed a little inside.
[painting a model in the nude]
model: r u gonna be naked the whole time
Guess who doesn’t want to hear your kid sing? Everyone. The answer is everyone, so stop it.
[on shark tank]
Me: A thermostat that’s impossible to change
Baby shark: I’m out
Mommy shark: I’m out
Daddy shark: …Go on
Circling toys in the Christmas catalog as a kid for your parents is the same as sending links to your spouse as an adult.
this independent good boy don’t need no human
I heard recently that many people hate it when you tell them they are in your thoughts & prayers during times of difficulty.
I don’t want to be insensitive to anyone’s feelings. So from now on, I’ll just say “sucks to be you.”
[tv announcer] Are you bloated? Tired? Unable to enjoy the activities you once loved?
[me with mouthful of chips] YEAH
dogs after you inspect what they have and decide to let them keep it:
Wife: [helping daughter with homework] the War of 1812 was between?
Daughter: I don’t know.
Me: [mouthful of skittles] 1811 and 1813.
There better be a martial arts tournament in Australia called Mortal Wombat
I’d let you be the reason my cheeks blush.. All four of them
[commercial for kids]
woman *opens pantry and 6 bags of chips fall out* ARGH!
narrator: Are you tired of having food in your house?
Cop: Freeze!
Suspect: Try and catch me! *dives into Olive Garden’s bottomless pasta bowl*
Rookie: We gotta go after him!
Cop: No. He’s gone.
Humans in sci-fi: Stupid artificial beings LOL. They don’t have FEELINGS, so you can treat them like SHIT
Humans in real life: I put googly eyes on my toaster. His name is James now, and I will protect him with my LIFE
One plain pizza plz
“Ok, one cheese pizza”
No cheese
“Um ok, sauce only”
No sauce
“But that’s just crust”
*excited quacking from trenchcoat*
You know how people play video games by pushing all the buttons at once?
That’s how I’m handling adulthood.
Inside my chocolate wrapper was a quote that said “Hands are meant to be held.” It made me laugh. Hands are meant to be washed.
Gentle reminder to take a brief moment to close your eyes, take a deep belly breath, and gently stroke your chin to find all the prickly whiskers you missed last time you plucked.
Just dropped ranch dressing on my phone then licked it off. So some of you just got to first base with me.
ME: everyone except dave can go to the carnival
DAVE: hey no fair
ME: not for you, no
Welcome to your 40’s: see that kid dressed up like a cop, he is a cop.
Do not drink and drive..
because there are people out there who text and drive…
and they will hit you and it will be your fault !!
With the cost of concert tickets, you better not be asking the crowd to sing, I did not pay to hear a drunk girl sing my favorite song.
I can’t find my ceremonial porcupine.
I’m at that age where I’d rather finish a terrible movie than start another one because it’s 7:30pm and I may still fall asleep during this one.
I went to the doctor because I have been hearing voices nonstop.
Apparently they are called children.
Walk into any flower shop and ask to see the chlamydias. That never gets old.
Wife: Why did you have to cook all of it at once? Not only do we now have to eat 5 pounds of the stuff for breakfast but the whole house smells like bacon!
Me: I’m failing to see what part of this is upsetting
If someone tells you you’re cute, ask them to name 3 other people they find cute so that you can react appropriately.