Mirena IUD Commercial on Hulu: “If you can’t keep a plant alive, you definitely aren’t ready to have a baby.”
Me to my kids sitting in the room WHO KNOW THEIR MOM KILLED A CACTUS ONCE: “Welp. This is awkward.”
You Might Also Like
Instead of going to couples therapy, married people should just join Tinder and see what a nightmare single people have to deal with
I was taking my diazepam before my flight and the Swiss guy in the seat next to me saw and guessed I was nervous, so he asked me if I liked cats and then showed me a photo of a cat dressed as a pilot and said “I heard he’s flying our plane, I think we can trust him” 😭
Cop: looks like you’re wearing a seatbelt
Me: safety first 🙂
Cop: ok *closes port-a-potty door*
judge: what do you have to say for yourself
scooby-doo villain: i was legally startling trespassers on my own private property and was wrongfully arrested and imprisoned by a group of high teenagers
judge: oh damn
I asked 4 if she was excited to start school and she said she doesn’t need to go to school bc she already know lots of words and if she runs out she can just make them up
[aliens observing earth]
“Horse racing is the shit we gotta start doing that”
[about to message girl he likes]
Me: I should just talk to her like I would anyone else. Be myself. And not act stupid.
Brain: OR
It’s fine when the cat looks like this. Hell it’s actually good.
ok wow… unfollowing now. was a big fan of their music but i was not aware they were using it to lure sailors to a watery grave by dashing their ships against the rocky coast of their island
Protip: Never ask an accountant “What have I got to lose?”
ancient egyptian: whoever disturbs the mummy will suffer a horrific curse. did you write it down so they know?
scribe: I drew a picture of a bird & then a dog guy an’ then a different bird
egyptian:
scribe: 2 birds total
egyptian: u know what it’s fine they’ll figure it out
Shout out to the top 5 ain’ts in the world, no mountain high enough, no valley low enough, too proud to beg, no sunshine when she’s gone and afraid of no ghosts.
It’s when I saw the children playing with their toys completely wrong that I knew I had to step in
thanks for your constructive criticism! i hated it and will be telling my mom about this
My parents didn’t raise me to be rude, I had to practice
When squirrels chase each other around a tree it reminds me of being at the mall in seventh grade.
Mobster: you’re gonna sleep with the fishes
Lobster: that’s not the threat you think it is, Tony
Actually you’re having a conversation with yourself. I’m just here so you don’t appear totally insane.
I made this sign for a broken stepladder at work & honestly I think I need to make one for myself too
Bae: come over
Me: I can’t, I’m hanging out with your parents.
Bae: my parents aren’t home.
Me: I know. I just… You never listen Susan.
May god have mercy on the soul of the person who takes this job
“Somebody needs to go to the store!”-mom yelling from the kitchen
“Jason, you think you’re somebody. Why don’t you go to the store?”- Dad
Maybe you should trust the CDC on how to handle a pandemic over your cousin Matt who is banned from Denny’s for setting off firecrackers.
Hubby’s head seems like it’s almost twice the size of mine.
We are never having children.
It’s been six years since my job interview.
I’m beginning to suspect they chose someone else.
Explaining a fountain to a 3rd world country must be weird. ‘Yeah we just shoot clean water into the air and throw our extra money into it’.
[An old thermometer breaks scattering mercury beads all over the floor]
“Get out of here, NOW!”
“Why?”
“HAVEN’T U SEEN TERMINATOR 2?”
It was probably the machine that kept the world from turning to shit.
Why is the saying “Ignorance is bliss” and not, “No brain, no pain”?
Thanks for explaining my tweet to me I was wondering what I meant