Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Death: this is the afterlife

Me: ugh there’s more?

YOUR MARCH HOROSCOPES:

Aries: Stay inside.
Taurus: Stay inside.
Gemini: Stay inside.
Cancer: Stay inside.
Leo: Stay inside.
Virgo: Stay inside.
Libra: Stay inside.
Scorpio: Stay inside.
Sagittarius: Stay inside.
Capricorn: Stay inside.
Aquarius: Stay inside.
Pisces: Stay inside.

*performs CPR on the turkey*

Think you know guilt?

*takes long drag on cigarette*

I’m the wildebeest who killed Mufasa.

*exhales*

I hear Simba’s screams every night.

Captured by terrorists tied up to a chair with a pillowcase on my head: guys please let me go I swear I’m not a pillow

Took a DNA test, turns out I’m 100% that one Asian who can’t use chopsticks.

Dangerously attractive guitars get added to the sexy fenders register.

Don’t get mad. Get windchimes.

You like bad boys? Not to brag but I’m bad at everything.

-me flirting

If you have anything you want to sneak into the house, Christmas Eve is the day to do it. Can just rush through the door carrying anything saying “DON’T LOOK! DON’T LOOK!” and people will close their eyes. Next thing you know you’re eating a bucket of KFC safely in the bathroom.

Me: Do you have homework?

11: Do you know that the world is 23.3 trillion dollars in debt?

Me: it’s time to go

Kids: wait. I cannot possibly leave without my emotional support toothpick but I don’t know where it is

I’m 43 years old, and 1995 was 4 years ago, but 2003 was somehow 30.

“Sorry kids, looks like we’ll have to find something else to do today”

Cop: “Do you have any idea how fast you were going?”

Shark: *eats cop*

I rolled up my yoga mat absolutely perfectly and if you think I’ll mess that up by working out, then you’re out of your mind.

Scientist next to me: My god. Reality is a simulation.
Me (also a scientist): My god. I haven’t fed my tamagotchi in 17 years.

I used to think popcorn poppers were only good for making popcorn. How right I was!

[blind date]

HER: I’m a light eater

ME {trying to impress her}: I once swallowed a halogen bulb

Me: My beautiful daughter, I would cross oceans and move mountains for you. I would fly into the darkness if I knew it would make you happy.

Daughter: Can I have a Dorito?

Me: I’m sorry but these are, unfortunately, my Doritos.

Have you tried growling until they back away slowly?

Watching A Quiet Place and being reminded of all those times I’ve got home drunk trying to be as quiet as possible……I’d be dead in the first 30 seconds of this movie.

The best thing about owning a Smart Car is when it gets dirty, you can just put it in the dishwasher.

[prison riot]
me: here comes the tickle monster!!
[gets stabbed 100 times]

No one has done the dishes for like a week so I finally did the responsible thing and bought some paper plates.

“I don’t buy flowers for girls because they die” yeah well so do the flowers

I’ll take Manly Men for $500, Alex.

“Answer. These booklets of pages are a pointless waste of time.”

What are instructions?

“Correct.”

(First date)

Just act like he’s not here.
Date: …
Husband: …

Why is aggravated murder a charge? There’s never like a passive and calm relaxation murder.

landlords thinking they deserve a tip is actually crazy