Mirror mirror on the floor, who’s the worst at home decor?
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Fried potatoes
Mashed potatoes
Baked potatoes
Twice baked potatoes
Potato chips-if Bubba grew up on a potato farm instead of a shrimp boat
Self employment is endlessly odd because obviously there’s so much freedom but I’m always trying to minimize breaks, deciding a set amount of tasks have to be done before I can get lunch, making passive aggressive stickey notes to stay focused, just fully harassing my employees
Me: My son is pathologically literal.
“Perhaps he should see a child psychiatrist?”
Me: I think we’ll try an adult doctor first thanks.
I bet whenever a pilot drives a car there’s a brief moment of panic like “why isn’t it going up??”
For Halloween I’m putting on a fishnet body stocking and going as a bag of onions.
Shout out to everyone who told me this isn’t really Elon. I guess the wedding is off.
ME: how can I make u proud?
MOM: reach for the stars
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: the closest star is 93 million miles away. You’ll never get there.
Disney uses 1-ply toilet paper, so let’s stop with all the “happiest place on earth” lies
My husband ordered takeout tonight from a place that previously ignored his note about pickles so he tried to make it stand out.
[to a straight couple]
Which one is the lesbian and which one is the other lesbian
If I had a dollar for every time one of my kids said “Mom, you’re not funny”, I could buy a beach house.
And live by myself.
2020: omg we’re entering hell
2021: ok so how do we make hell cozy
Hubs: Hey, throw toilet paper down the stairs.
Me: Oh, I thought this was going to be a sweet text…
Hubs: Throw some butt wiping paper downstairs with your delicately soft, feminine hands, please my goddess.
My husband spent the night away for a sleep study last night.
Husband, “I slept horribly, I just can’t sleep without you next to me. How about you?”
Me, thinking of how I had the most amazing night of sleep in my life, “Same.”
dads be like “go help your mother” bro go help your wife
Roommate: So how was the party?
Me: Good! A lot of cool people came up and started talking to me
[flashback to party]
Cool Person: Are you in line for the bathroom?
Me: Yeah
You know the hurricane is serious when even SpongeBob and Gary are evacuating
the boston alphabet is only 25 letters because they threw the t in the harbor
I’m thinking about giving that Call of Duty game a shot, but first I’m gonna try one last time to get past level 4 on Duck Hunt.
My daughter can open just about any front door using a credit card, so your kids honor roll certificate seems a little useless right now.
team rocket: that boy’s pikachu is special
meowth: hey
team rocket: we need it
meowth: im literally the only pokemon who can talk
team rocket: that pikachu is so unique no other pokemon will do
Meowth: guys
team rocket: only that pikachu is deserving of love
I almost walked out of the dentist’s office without putting my pants back on.
Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant? I’m halfway through my fish burger & I realize, Oh my God…I could be eating a slow learner.
When your diet is finally over.
I can find Waldo faster than I can find the bread bag twist tie I just set on the kitchen counter.
Therapist: healing isn’t linear
Me: what if I pay extra?
I never get as envious of parents as I do when their baby starts crying & they get to leave the event
Pretty sure I know what my wife’s getting me for my birthday cause when I guessed, “A 3-way?” she got all angry like I ruined the surprise.
Old people like to get up at 4am so they can go sit in chairs and fall back asleep