Mirror mirror on the floor, who’s the worst at home decor?
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The roof of my mouth just healed from that Hot Pocket I had in 2003.
This man told me he was going to convince me to date him bc he is AmeriCAN not American’t and I’m officially applying to move to Mars now
Don’t call me a pessimist. Call me a cynic. A cynic sounds smarter.
[getting eaten by a snake] HELP THIS SLEEPING BAG IS EATING ME.
Not much, just measuring things in cups to annoy Europeans, what about you?
Just so you know – you’re not the first one to make the sign of the cross when watching me eat
A woman told me at dinner she liked me because I’m “not afraid to eat bread”–so I’m done with socializing for at least a year thanks
[In bed, finished watching rerun of “24”]
Me: Let’s role play. I’ll be Jack and you be a Russian operative.
Wife: Yes! But I want you to talk dirty to me.
Me [turning out the lights]: The following takes place between 10:00pm and 10:03pm
This is Narla. She was not allowed to go to the park. And now you are not allowed on the couch. 13/10
drunk in public? why good sir back in my day we used to call it “turnt” how do I keep up with the parlance of these times.
me: babe come quick
wife: what?
me: just hurry
wife: no, it’s always something dumb
me: not this time
*wife walks into living room*
me: i put the dog in a suit
wife: i want a divorce
me: k but my lawyer’s a ruff negotiator
Coworker – Have you ever gotten Covid?
Me – Does my gut look like I’ve ever lost the sense of taste or smell?
Husband: Some weirdo broke into the house last night.
Wife: How do you know it was a weirdo?
Husband: They stole all my Bruno Mars drawings.
Watched The Tinder Swindler a few weeks back, now watching Bad Vegan. The most puzzling thing is why do these women just give these men their money? Is this a thing you do if you have money? I would never give a man money. If the cashier at the store is a man I simply do not pay.
Creamy peanut butter is the best because it’s the only thing holding this car together.
I can really relate to pi because I also keep going forever after the point has been made.
Guns don’t kill people. Girls who get tagged in a photo before they get a chance to see it kill people.
If I take anymore ibuprofen, I’m going to have to log it as a snack.
Govt: How many dependents do you have?
Me: 7
Dependents: [dogs in baby clothes]
Me at 16: No one can tell me what to do with my life.
Me at 36: Someone please tell me what to do with my life.
If a tree falls in a forest and doesn’t make a sound, maybe that’s where your kid should be practicing the piano
I have never in my life learned from another person’s mistakes, I would literally let a giant wooden horse into my house right this second.
I used to wave my hands in the air like I just don’t care, but now I just wave them because I get more steps on my FitBit
A load of falling lizards is called a blizzard, right??
Imguana see myself out
GUY 1: a bee flew in my eye
GUY 2: I just ate a bird
GUY IN BACK: I can’t hear u
TOGETHER: there must be a better way
NARRATOR: windshields
Date: Before you I had Brazilian boyfriends
Me: That’s not even a real number
Whenever someone says “I’m in a good place,” I want to ask for the address.
My husband called and asked if I could be naked before he gets home from work. I feel awkward sitting here with his mother, but whatever.
I think it’s safe to take the fax numbers off our business cards, now, everybody.