Mirror mirror on the wall, can I call you Jim or something cuz I’m not saying mirror mirror on the wall every time. That’s just ridiculous
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Drawing fake track marks on my arm so I don’t have to hold my wife’s friend’s baby when they come over for dinner tonight.
No tailgaters on the truck loosely hauling porta- potties.
you’re opening a chip bag and it goes great except for a tiny tear and it seems fine but then the rip starts to get bigger and you’re worried you won’t be able to seal the bag and it keeps going and the entire bag is split open and it continues until the earth fully bifurcates
Wrong hole.
Wrong hole.
Wrong hole.
Wrong hole.
-trying to put on my distressed denim jeans
Hell is having a married couple tell you a story at the same time.
Maybe I’m driving around with my coffee on the roof because I want to cool it down. YOU DON’T KNOW.
when certain foods on a menu have (gf) next to them, I know those are girlfriend foods. I cannot order them until I am a girlfriend. I must be patient
*gives up being Catholic for Lent*
God: damn it… they’ve found the loophole
That’s a nice piñata you have there… it would be a real shame if something weren’t to happen to it.
“You’d better run, egg!”
I have been single so long, I can finish my own sentences.
The 9th rule of fight club is no roller skates. honestly guys I don’t know why we keep having to say this.
Wear a sombrero to the next wedding you’re invited too. Long after they’re divorced they’ll talk about the guy in the sombrero.
“We need a solid plan to defeat ISIS.”
Galaxy Note 7: I have an idea
Right before I left the house my wife asked me if I filled out my organ donor information and now I’m hesitant to start the car.
The “baby” on the left….
*friends describing me on Dateline*
She was nothing special. Didn’t light up a room or anything. Just kinda blended into the wallpaper.
i’m planning to eat the rich, but can i sub out fries for a salad?
I can raise kids just fine,
but keeping plants alive that
only need to be watered once
a month is apparently
out of my reach.
Me: Please wait to eat your Craisins until we’re in the car
*5 secs later
Me: What’re you eating?
5yo: *Mouthful of Craisins* ……Nothing
Me: How old am I?
Brain: Give me a minute.
Me: What’s my email password?
Brain: I don’t remember.
Me: Why’d I walk in this room?
Brain: I have no idea.
Me:
Brain: Your high school locker combo was 54-27-14.
[Cop questioning suspected watermelon thief]
COP: *squints* Was it you?
GIRAFFE (who has watermelon-sized bulge halfway down his neck): Nope
I got fired from IKEA for telling every customer, “I have no idea where the item you’re looking for is, but I really do hope you find it”.
Me looking for my phone using my phone flashlight: where the heck is it?!
I hate it when cops pull you over to give you pop quizzes like “do you know how fast you were going?”Or “is that a raccoon smoking a joint?”
wife: i’m going into labor
husband: when
wife: now
husband: [sets plate of nachos down] jesus christ karen i just made these
I’ll stick with papa johns 🤣🤣🤣
Brad Pitt and I had a handsome contest and the loser had to adopt a bunch of kids.
Telling a mother her baby is cute is like giving your compliments to the chef
everyone’s a critic
