Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Your lifeguard résumé is just a pic of David Hasselhoff”

I feel it says all u need to know about me

“He’s drunk with a cheeseburger”

Yes

you, an idiot: It’s pronounced worcestershire.

me, an intellectual and foodie: Actually, it’s pronounced worcestershire.

[drops your baby]
Me: shit, sorry. Let me get you another one

*me, flirting*

Me: Hello.

Her: Nice to meet you.

Me: You don’t even really know that.

Her: It’s an expression.

Me: It’s rather presumptuous.

Her: You know what, I’m sorry I met you.

Me: See what I mean?

Coffee so good it helps a little old lady cross the street.

Princess: I shall marry whomever of you is the bravest

Suitors: [all awkwardly look at the toaster]

Does anyone else have Bad Underwear which is kept at the bottom of the drawer to help you remember that it is time to clean the Good Underwear

#Itssocoldthat..A streaker froze in mid-streak! The town council just stuck a plaque on him and pretended he was a Greek statue until spring

[onboard the titanic sinking] oh no i just ate

Why did Shrek use the song “I’m a Believer” and not “It Must Have Been Love (But It’s Ogre Now).”

Me *watching HOW TO LOSE A GUY IN 10 DAYS*

My husband: why are you taking notes

Beards are a privilege, not a right

By the time he entered rehab, Popeye was more spinach than sailor man.

Toddler mom: please take a second bite of chicken

Tween mom: please do not eat an entire second chicken

My cat feels the need to give herself an entire bath after I touch her.

So yeah, I know a thing or two about creeping someone out.

Me: How awful do I look?

Him: You always look beautiful.

Me: Do I need to put makeup on?

Him: Maybe just a…

*stare*

Him: No.

This snow makes me want to wear a nice sweater by the fireplace and frame my neighbor Gary for murder

[first date]
HER: So, do you have any hobbies?
ME: No, not really.
SOCK PUPPET: You’re not going to tell her about us?

netflix: are you still watching

me: no

netflix: then can i watch what i want now

[in space]
ASTRONAUT: Up here you can have delusions
ME: Haha I don’t think so
A: They can seem real
GANDALF: Don’t believe him
ME: I don’t

My newest way to win marital arguments is to interrupt and say “as your legal counsel” and then state my point. It hasn’t worked yet and seems to make him madder but I think with the right amount of persistence I’ll crack the code.

*First Date*

Me: I really like what you tried to do with what’s left of your hair.

My idiot future husband is out there somewhere pushing a pull door. I just know it.

My superpower is scattering dogs by singing at them.

Me: [getting mugged]

THANK YOU FOR WEARING A MASK

An egg just followed me. Now I just need some bacon.

my gym crush finally said hi to me and so naturally this was the time to start choking on my own saliva

mom had nothing to worry about

SHARK—i bit 82 ppl this year
OCTOPUS—hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer

Me: Pad Thai please

Server: sir, this is a McDonald’s

Me: sorry. McPad McThai McPlease