Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m sorry you didn’t find out that the Applebee’s gift card I gave you for your birthday doesn’t work until after you ate. I found out the hard way too.

Bring multiple sets of clothes to work, change every hour, and act like nothing’s different.

It’s not fair how teenagers today can avoid social interaction with family by staring at their phones

I had to show my contempt by grunting

I don’t have anybody to eat dinner with so I share my dinner with the sky chickens.

My Neighbor- * Yelling from a distance*

Dam it! Would you please stop feeding the seagulls. They keep shitting on my Jeep.

friend: you’re saying a huge alien lifted you onto his ship, examined you, and sent you back?

fish: that’s exactly what I’m saying

I need a Magic 8 ball so i can find out if I’m drinking today or if I’m re-shaking it until i am

Me: Stop over-analysing; not everything has to mean something!

Them: Are you gonna help us compile this dictionary or not?

Once again I find myself asking “How long can I stay in the bathroom before one of my employees realizes I’m gone?”

Those Weren’t Raisinets: A Mouse Tale

WIFE: Please take the trash out
ME: Ok
*later that night*
ME: I’m having a nice time
TRASH: Wow, the food here is spicy AF

H: Something’s wrong with you.
M: Yes.
H: No, like for real.
M: Yes, I told you that from day one.
H: But you were kidding…
M: Haha, no.

ME: do u like smart guys

GIRL AT BAR: yes

ME: sorry i wasted your time

“I’d like to get a trim.”
“There’s a bit of a wait.”
“No problem.”
“Name, please?”
“It’s-“
“Just kidding. Have a seat, Tom.”

Me: I snuck in my own candy and a drink
Her: This is a funeral home
Me: Without a snack bar

dorian gray goes on hot ones and he eats all the wings no problem but then when he gets home his portrait is really sweaty and begging for milk

under no circumstances will my brother take the L

FRIEND: It’s called cauliflower. It’s not ghost broccoli.

ME: [taking a long drag on my cigarette] Listen kid, I know what I saw.

DATE: Did you know a octopus can slip through any hole his beak can fit?
ME: …haha no.
[Later]
ME: *tearing apart my almost-finished octopus jail blueprints*

Me: I had a nightmare that someone broke into our house and tried to steal our kids

Husband: What’s the nightmare part?

[me dress shopping]

“Ohhhh that’s cute”

*an 80 year old buys it*

Tried to touch my husband’s face and he tattled on me to his mother.

Dads will insist the Masters is exciting while also napping through it.

I don’t use extra virgin olive oil cause I want my food to have some experience

Joke’s on them; I DIDN’T make my bed and I’m STILL gonna lie in it!

Amazon Review Guide

⭐☆☆☆☆ – I’m angry and taking my slight inconvenience out on you
⭐⭐☆☆☆ – Your product is crap
⭐⭐⭐☆☆ – Average
⭐⭐⭐⭐☆ – Great product!
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐ – Average but I feel bad leaving a lower rating

Me: Keep absolutely still. His vision is based on movement

Vampire: That’s a T-Rex, idiot

I think she is an organ harvester 🤔🤔 #tinder #tinderindia

“Your resume has MPGMA listed under hobbies. What exactly is that?”

Making people guess the meaning of acronyms.

4yo does not want to go to school anymore, she wants to be homeschooled

I told her I will homeschool her this week and then she will go back to school next week. She’s delighted!

(There is no school this week)