Mirror mirror on the wall, can I call you Jim or something cuz I’m not saying mirror mirror on the wall every time. That’s just ridiculous
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*catwoman struggles into suit*
*catwoman realises she needs to pee*
*crie*
I still wear a mask because I no longer remember how to control my facial expressions in public.
I wonder if dogs get embarrassed when they have to stand that way and shit in front of everybody. I know I do.
Why are you even asking me that mom. I love jumping off bridges, either by myself or as a group, you know that.
🤔😂😂
Every single new fish they find is gross. Why are we still looking for more? ALL THE GOOD FISH LIVE NEAR THE TOP. Give it up, idiots.
[first date]
HER: i’m really into guys-
ME (eager to impress her): me too
[restaurant]
Waiter: *holding pepper mill* say when
Me: huh? why
Waiter: when means stop
Me: oh
Date: how do you not- okay you know what i think we should stop seeing each other
Me: *glances knowingly at waiter* i think you mean we should WHEN seeing each other
When complaining of a stomach ache, you don’t really need to point to it or pat it gently. People pretty much know where the stomach is.
There is no situation where banana bread isn’t an appropriate gift. You got a promotion? Banana bread. Your dad is dead? Banana bread. You had a bad breakup? Banana bread. Aliens steal your body for experiments? BANANA BREAD.
Colleague: want some popcorn? Keeps you young and beautiful like me
Me: Really? Looks to me you should’ve been eating a hell of a lot more
I was the president of the fencing club in high school. We only met once, and then the cops found all the stolen property.
My middle finger will be answering all questions today!
My son has come up with what he calls “skeleton kisses”, where he touches his teeth to your forehead or cheek when he kisses you so it feels like bones touching you.
Isn’t that precious?
No. He’s 20.
Friend: Man he drinks like a fish.
Me: [crouched in a tiny pirate castle with a 12 pack] I’m freaking the hell out.
Can’t believe there was a time someone had to make me take a nap.
Mama Bear: The porridge is ready
Papa Bear: Perfect let’s leave for a couple of hours
The person with duct tape holding most of their car together always has the right-of-way.
Holiday tip: remember, you only have a few days left to drop out of people’s lives to avoid buying gifts. You’re welcome.
The only occasions in which I will run:
– Zombie apocalypse
– Salma Hayek is handing out all-you-can-eat baby back ribs
God creating the duck: waterproof that chicken and give it a kazoo
Given the American diet, don’t you think we’d have greater success locating missing children if we put their faces on liters of soda?
Hospitals make mistakes with newborns, so before bringing yours home, check by rubbing its belly. If it curls in and bites you, that’s a cat
I love giving a little kid the tongue, and then watching him run to his mother holding the severed tongue I just gave him.
I’ll never understand why my children think pooping is a social activity.
Never trust someone who acts as if nothing happened when you meet them right after you had an amazing dream about them.
My Dad: So then you just like *smushing together a bird stuffed animal and a bee stuffed animal while making kissy noises*
Me: OK, got it. They’re all waiting, can I go get married now?
CNN: do u want notifications for breaking news
Me: for really important stuff i guess
CNN: an Iowa woman just ate 37 McRibs
Me: i said impor-
CNN: using chopsticks
Me: she did what