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Me: Hey, do you wanna play Nintendo?
Dad: Actually that’s a Super Nintendo, it’s the newer version improved in practically every way.
Me Got it.
Dad: Where’s mom?
Me: Visiting Super Dad.
People who use the lift to go up one floor will be wiped out by natural selection
Sometimes I sit on my hand till it’s numb so it feels like someone else is googling my name
Condoms do not guarantee safe sex.
A friend of mine was wearing one when he was shot by the woman’s husband.
Hey, people who solicit a response via text conversation then disappear for hours, I got one thing to say to you…
me: where’s the milk?
supermarket clerk: by the eggs
me: no i just want milk
How long can COVID live on breakdancing cardboard?
And can it be killed by sick moves?
Me: [to 15 yr old] “You already eat?”
15: “ya”
Me: “What colour’d you use?”
15: “I used orange.”
Me: “Cool. I’ll use a white.”
– mac n cheese has it’s own language.
When you’ve brought up your child to be kind and never take sides.
Husband: Who’s fatter – mummy or daddy?
Miss 8: You both are.
“Help yourself!”
– people who don’t want to help you
I don’t see why walking is healthy. Zombies walk constantly and they look awful.
Waiting for toast to toast takes forever unless you walk away for 10 seconds, then it burns
“I know exactly how you feel.”
*staring at a deflated giant inflatable snowman
Just so you know – you’re not the first one to make the sign of the cross when watching me eat
*takes off Scooby-Doo head*
Rivorce?!
Ed [laughing]: what do you call a fish with no eye?
Stede, without looking up: Myxine Circifrons
Ed:
Ed: fsh
invention of lasagna: what if pasta was a book
The best defense against auto theft is not The Club. It’s 65 empty water bottles in the back seat and a rear window full of stuffed animals.
teacher: we found drugs in your son’s school bag
me: oh wow ok
teacher: it’s worrying
me: very *rubbing chin* he should’ve sold them all by now
[crime scene]
*detective snaps pics of murder victim*
Corpse: delete it
[on the phone with wife]
Honey, who do you like better, Hulk Hogan or Jafar from Aladdin?
“Tell me why.”
[winks at tattoo artist] No reason.
Well there goes my Wednesday night.
I would make an awesome panda because I too excel at looking adorable while doing nothing.
Being married means never admitting you were the last one to see the item that is now lost.
-I’ve got a phobia of coincidences.
-Me too!
*faints*
*faints*
Roger Clemens is pitching for a Texas team named the Sugar Land Skeeters? They sound more like an Atlanta Strip Club than a baseball team.
[sitting on the deck with my son]
Me: look son, everything the light touches-
Son: yes dad?
Me: -you have to mow.
The best thing about going to my Parents at the weekend is my Mum’s meatloaf.
She can’t do the voice but she looks just like him.