Mirror, mirror on the wall like, wtf is your problem? Why do you keep staring at me?
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(Recently turned) 14: Can I borrow the car?
Me: What? No!
14: Just practicing.
I’m sorry I joined the zoom with my flames of hell background
Her: *5 paragraphs of text
Me: 👍
In lieu of exercise, accidentally send your text to the wrong person to get your heart rate up
YouTube DIY videos be like “turn this $1 pallet into a beautiful dining table with 14 thousand dollars worth of tools”
Screech up to a yard sale. Ask if they have any haunted amulets. Yell at the dog in your backseat, “I’m GETTING the spell reversed, Greg!”
I kinda want a boyfriend but then where will I put my purse when I drive?
Totally stoked to find some chicken in my chicken noodle soup
Me: oh yeah, obviously I want to keep it casual, too
Also me, a year after it ends: *crying to a David Gray song in my car*
Ohhh so you don’t hate peaches. You just hate peaches that aren’t on MY plate. Got it.
– Me, to the 5 yr old
The one time I order underwear from amazon, and they deliver it to the wrong house. Guess I’ll finally get to meet the neighbors
This dudes dogs 😁battle cry
Sure kids cost roughly $14,000 annually, but think about all the money you’ll save from not having a social life.
[dating site message]
So is that blank silhouette in your profile a recent blank silhouette?
Me, December 2016: I’m going to buy this juicer and lose some weight in January
Me, January 2017: I have eaten the juicer
You see a rat stealing pizza, I see a rat providing for his four turtle children
Algorithm: noticed u lingered on this pic of a frog for 14 seconds
Me: I was refilling my vape
Algorithm: got some more frogs for ya. frog freak. u like that
That chalk outline really brings out your dead eyes
WTF IS THAT!
This should not be this funny I am sorry😭😭😭
Cop: we have you surrounded! Get down on the ground now!
Cardboard Man: sigh not again
*cops start breakdancing*
ATM is telling me I have insufficient funds. Worst part is I was just walking by minding my own business.
A woman isn’t really heartbroken unless she does something drastic to her hair.
Therapist: Do you think it’s ok to cry?
Me: Sure. Like if you have to go to Costco on a Saturday.
Stop wasting ur 20s complaining about how it’s hard to make friends and start screaming “oh my god I love your bag” from across the street
He hid my gift in the laundry room in hopes that I wouldn’t find it
Mary had a little lamb. The doctors are all really confused.
When I die, please put my dead body on a roller coaster but don’t buckle me in
Tonight I have taught my 2yr old a very valuable lesson.
He now knows that chips can be used to eat guacamole.
You ever tried driving the speed limit and thought, “They can’t be serious.”