Mirror, mirror on the wall like, wtf is your problem? Why do you keep staring at me?
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Helped my son flush his betta fish today. He asked “Dad, does God love bettas?” & I said “Dunno, son, ask him after we flush you.”
My favorite part of the Bible is where Jesus gives money to the rich, tells the poor to suck it up and asks for Caesar’s birth certificate.
[sees friend at the store]
“Hi”
Hey
“Where’s your better half?”
The PS4’s at home
“No I mean-”
Where WOULD it be? Wow, dumb question.
Band: Are you ready to rock?!
Me: I need to pee first.
Apple managed to launch IPhone 8 and make it outdated all in a span of 25 minutes #AppleEvent
Me: *typing on laptop*
My cat: *climbs on me, reaches & puts 2 paws on my face*
Me: Aww. So sweet.
My cat: *rips my glasses off with his paws, & flings them on the floor*
Me: Or not.
Joseph: could you put the shopping away, there’s a fish & some bread on- oh no
*house is overflowing with fish & bread*
Jesus: i am so sorry
I’ve always wanted a monkey, so I bought one at auction today.
I’ve had him about an hour now.
Anyway….. Monkey for Sale.
Oh hey mom. Yeah the date went fine, I think she liked my jorts bc she kept glancing at them
At ease
People who jump right out of bed at 5 AM and turn on every light in the house, who hurt you?
WIFE: I’m leaving
ME: Well it’s no suprise, our relationship has slowly deteriorated and I’m not sure we even like each other any more
WIFE: I’m leaving to go to the shops
ME: Ooh get tacos
While in restaurants as a kid, my parents would pay by credit card in a machine that looked like it could take your finger off
A Navidad is just a normal Dad that never has to ask for directions.
I always cry at weddings, but only because being that close to large cakes makes me so happy.
God: sends you to hell for aborting your ‘child’.
God: killed his only son.
And that, ladies & gentlemen, is religion in a nutshell.
My new neighbour is breaking the law by making noise every night after 11. Do I call the police for this or confront the newborn directly?
Well, actually, FBI is not an acronym; it’s an initialism, because you can’t pronounce it as a word.
Mom: This is why you have no friends.
(1:35pm) God: Yo Abraham
(1:37pm) Abe: sup
(1:38pm) God: Need u to kill ur son
(1:42pm) Abe: k(4:02pm) God: jk lol
(4:10pm) God: u there?
Him: You’re pretty saucy
Me: *wiping face quickly
But this spaghetti is soo good
i think it’s pretty cool that we can all agree on the most fucked up thing of the past decade.
it wasn’t ebola
it wasn’t trump
it wasn’t even blake shelton getting sexiest man of the year
it was that damn U2 album that apple decided to just download to everyone’s iphone
Farmers who aren’t pro tractors, what’s your angle?
Janice, from HR: Ok, so we’re clear. From now on no biting, right?
Me: Yeah, whatever. *adds “influenced policy” to my resume*
Me: Everything ok?
My 4yo (in the next room giving the carpet a haircut): Yep.
I was feeling really festive watching the fireplace channel on tv, until I got confused and tried to throw another log in there.
getting a key tattoo but getting it covered up with a doormat tattoo so no one ever finds it
Zodiac Killer: *serial killing*
Victim: why are you doing this?
Zodiac Killer: you know how Scorpios are lol
A thief has removed all the motorway signs in Yorkshire. Police are currently trying to find Leeds.
HR said that me trying to woo a colleague with a banjo is not what “challenge yourself in the workplace” actually meant.