Mirror, mirror on the wall like, wtf is your problem? Why do you keep staring at me?
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Date: I’m a vegan.
Me: *spits pieces of chicken into a napkin* Oh yeah? Me too.
Me: You can’t arrest me. I have to run a marathon today.
Cop: Stop playing the race card.
People say to feng shui your home to get rid of negative energy, so I made my family go stand outside before blocking the front door with the couch.
It’s like mama always says, you’ve gotta pickle your battles
Stick your battles in a jar
Pour brine all over your battles
Let those battles sit for months until they turn sour
Choose the juiciest battle and serve it with a nice pastrami sandwich
I have a divorce case where I’m seriously considering hiring community theater actors to come into court and read all the text messages for the record.
When arguing, I let the other person speak first, then help them see my point by starting with, “Now, what I’m about to say is correct”
Hey Doorknob, if I wanted something in my life that was hairy, condescending and using me for food, I would get a cat.
Time to go to the liquor store, I’m almost out of holiday spirit
Everyone knew it was Superman behind those glasses, they just didn’t have the heart to tell him
When did folks start naming kids old fashioned trades like, “Hunter” and “Porter” and “Archer” and “Blacksmith” and “Prostitute?”
Me: Is that a web tattoo on your elbow because you like Spider-Man?
Them: Naw, I killed 5 people
Me: so you don’t like Spider-Man?
Until I had kids I wasn’t aware that Hakuna Matata could be sung in such a threatening manner
*sneaks condoms into the carts of fighting couples at the drug store
You had me at “she’s the one,” but lost me at “officer.”
Education is vital
What adults say: I’m just gonna close my eyes for a minute.
What adults mean: goodnight see you tomorrow
When my burger was ready, the clerk called out “867?”
I yelled back 5309.
No one laughed.
I am old.
Go hard or stay average
Allergies right now are life’s way of playing “PSYCH”.
[morning after getting drunk]
age 23: did i make out with that guy
age 36: did i wash my face
-Why do you carry that lazy dog on your shoulders, he can walk
-Mind your business
-Looks like dog actually wants to get down
-I forgot my coat, okay?
A ghost story
Mechanic: Your car won’t pass inspection.
Me: Here’s $20 to look the other way.
Mechanic [looking the other way]: Your car won’t pass inspection.
Birds of a feather flock together, as they are racists too.
HIM: So I was talking to our neighbor…
ME: Which one?
HIM: Susan.
ME: …?
HIM: Susan. Tall, dark hair.
ME: …?
HIM: Lives two houses down. SUSAN.
ME: …?
HIM: Has the pug and the golden retriev—
ME: OH, Lizard and Elliot’s mom!
Yeah, well, I didn’t exactly want to be late for work today either but it’s not like hot wings can shave themselves out of chest hair.
Me: [lifting balaclava] what do you mean you don’t want to do a jewellery heist?
Tinder date: I thought we were gonna go on a date
Me: ok I feel like I was pretty clear in my profile I was looking for a partner in crime
Morning school bus was 8 minutes late so [leaves 1-star Yelp review]
The last time I checked, I was a weirdo.
Let me check again. Yep, still a weirdo.
Machine uprising? Ha! What can they do? Toaster gonna burn my bagel? Vending machine gonna steal my money?
Like they do now… Holy shit.