Mirror, mirror on the wall like, wtf is your problem? Why do you keep staring at me?
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Writing a letter to Santa now because I don’t wanna seem like one of those friends that only reaches out when I want something
Oh sorry I can’t right now. I’m imagining some things and worrying about them
Me: Find a penny, pick it up and all day long you’ll have good luck!
Penny: Please put me down
My doctor told me to get my affairs in order. So line up guys, let’s get you numbered.
“HAHA WTF LMAO OMG LOL HAHA WTF LMAO LMAO HAHA LOL OMG LMAO LOL WTF LMAO” – Birds at 6AM
My kids brought me breakfast in bed, then proceeded to eat MY breakfast. If that doesn’t sum up motherhood I don’t know what does.
wife: What’s the best moment of your life?
me: That time I won a stuffed dino-
wife: That didn’t involve a dinosaur
me: Our wedding
Never forget that your fave celebs are trying to sell you cartoon monkey pictures during a pandemic.
Here’s a list of things I need you to accomplish without any resources to do them with.
-management
After a long journey Frodo and Sam arrive to return the One Ring to the fires of Mt. Doom
Frodo: Dude dont be mad, but I forgot the receipt
Her: No filter!
Me: Add one tho
I got the Pfizer vaccine and pso pfar pno pside effects.
Dear Diary: Day 1 of being a gang member. Wore a bandana today, but took it off after a woman shouted “you go girl!” from across the street.
When I canceled my gym membership, I had to submit a too weak notice
Wife: *looking at three baskets full of my clothes* You need to do laundry.
Me: No, two of those are clean.
I got a Father’s Day card from my son that says ‘You’re one of my favourite parents’ so yeah, I’m really nailing this dad thing.
a good argument tactic is if the person is eating or drinking something all you have to do is call them whatever they’re eating and or drinking “okay whatever you say dr. pepper” etc.
WEATHERMAN: The fog is extremely dense
FOG: My husband took his secretary with him on a business trip, that’s normal right?
My Uncle is either a good taxidermist or a bad vet.
Laziness is nothing more than the habit of resting before you get tired.
“Listen to your body”
My body: you’re 42, sit tf down
that time Mario got bit by a radioactive koala
I love you…
…r dog.
Thou shalt not commit adulthood
Between toilet paper and forest fires, bears have a lot of responsibilities.
Whoever coined the term sticktoitiveness really got away with some bullshit there
Say what you want about nature vs nurture but I don’t remember teaching my 4yo to moon people.
I’m a female historian who specializes in war atrocities, check out my blog “The War Atrocity Babe”
Got fired from PetSmart for unionizing the hamsters
Last night,my friend changed all my contacts in my phone.I’ve been texted by Batman Donatello,Hermione Granger.I have no idea who they are.