Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Fashion designers:
What do you want?

Women: uniform sizing across brands.

Fashion designers:
Bwahahaha!

If this whole twitter thing doesn’t work out, we can all get jobs writing for a company that makes mildly disturbing fortune cookies.

I’d love to go to the mall with you honey, but the court order says I can’t come within 50 feet of any mannequins.

“you won’t always have a calculator with you” yes I will. The real test should be whether or not I can finish the quiz without buying anything online

My coworker replaced her chair with an exercise ball to “work her core.”

I’m eating a giant chocolate chip cookie for breakfast.

I win.

Them: Anytime my friend!
Me: Ok, get your calendar out, I’m going to block out some times

this is the single funniest twitter ad i’ve ever seen. it gets better the more you look at it. they used to have apple and nike advertising on this website

I’m your girl in the apocalypse till there’s something that needs to be opened because I have no muscles in my hands 😭😭😭😭

I like to creep around my home and act like a goblin

The most important part of living undetected in someone’s attic is to have fun and be yourself

Took the man to get his hearing aids fixed today. Still deciding if it was a smart move. Don’t touch my radio.

BOSS: I’m sorry mike, but you’ve been downsized
ME: (75% of my original size, in a voice 125% higher pitched) ahh maaan

About 2/3 of Earth’s surface is water. Same for the human body. So really, we’re all incontinent

Her: I’m not cleaning the sheets this time

Old people be giving dating advice like “fill out a resume and just walk right up and ask to speak to their manager”

I don’t understand interventions. What’s the point of being told u drink too much by a room full of the reasons u drink in the first place?

The cancelled marathon runners should seriously run through the boroughs with supplies. I said it earlier as a joke, now I say it for real.

I wrote a Facebook status asking what’s happening in Young Sheldon and then unfriended everyone who replied.

[heaven’s IT department]

Ok, I see why your computer’s crashing. Have you been closing doors again?

God: Yes, why?

Too many open windows

*I reach for the thermostat*
*my dad runs in barking*
*neighbor’s dad starts barking*
*within seconds all the neighborhood dads are barking*

I’m not trying to tell you young brothers how to sell ya demo tapes, but those people charging their Tesla in public can’t go anywhere for 15 to 20 minutes. Just walk up and start freestyling. Freestyle to enough Tesla owners sooner or later you hittin somebody in the industry.

My neighbor’s facebook movie is just a montage of me caught on surveillance video, stealing his newspaper every morning.

Sometimes I get so wrapped up in my own problems that I forget there are people having real fights on the internet.

[first guy to discover magic mushrooms]
those…those were not portobellos

[I go to Hell and everything appears to be virtually identical to Earth]

“Well this isn’t so bad”, I say

[I immediately notice that my voice sounds exactly like I do on a tape recorder]

Welcome to parenthood. You will be issued 5 overly noisy toys by people who you thought cared about you shortly.

[flashback to 1st date]

*cuts round hole in bottom of popcorn

Me: Popcorn?
Her: No thanks.
(Mom reaches from row behind)
“I’ll have some.”

Well if you cant buy babys at Babys R Us what in the world do they sell?

DAD: Hugh, please. It’s a perfectly fine name. Stop complaining.
HUGH J’DISAPPOINTMENT: It’s not my first name I’m upset about.

Me: ‘Goodnight.’

Brain: ‘Where shall we begin?’