Mirror, mirror on the wall…
Mirror: I said no.
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If you can’t be with the dog you love, pat the dog you’re with.
I don’t eat bananas anymore cuz I can’t take the chance of someone taking a picture of me eating something healthy
Mom said I should only date “a good man” and I was like HEAVENS TO BETSY I WISH I HAD KNOWN THIS PERTINENT INFORMATION BEFORE NOW.
Grab and smash, smash and grab such is time spent in a mammogram
One day I want to wear jeans to the gym, just to watch the outrage.
What I really need to know is what exactly is a marie kondo, and can I eat one?
Social media is perfect when you’re feeling sorry for yourself and your desire is to feel worse.
My husband just asked this southern 8 ball if I loved him. It said “bless your heart” 😆
To make sure I don’t cheat, my wife got me into cryptocurrency and that’s all I want to talk about with women now.
Me: Excel, could you copy paste values pls
Excel: (smoking cigarette and eating Doritos) yeah I can do it but it’s gonna take like 10 minutes
Me: why
Excel: (eating three chips at once) because I don’t like you
From now on when a friend says she’s on her way I’m asking her to drop a pin
ME: *tying hotdogs together*
Wife: I have the bologna shurikens cut out. We playing meat ninjas or not?
Me: CALM DOWN! THE NUNCHUCKS ARE ALMOST READY!
I’m currently in between meals and not very happy about it
Me and kiddo listening to music in car:
In a crowd of strangers and lovers 🎶
Him: Mom what’s a lover?
Me: Just when people love each other, you can call them your lover*20 min later at the grocery store*
Him to a complete stranger: Did you know we’re lovers?
Stranger:😳
CEO: Long lines. Bad parking. No shade. Crying kids. $7.00 drinks. We need a good name.
ETHAN: How about “amusement park”?
CEO: [under breath] Genius
I like my women like I like my woods: haunted & can kill me at any moment.
I was in a serious relationship once. We never even smiled.
Doctor: You need a kidney transplant.
Me: A transplant?
Dr: Don’t worry, I’ve never lost a patient. I know where each one is buried.
Me:
The worst part about having PMS in the winter is the ground is too frozen to bury the bodies.
I’m at the point in my life where “friend with benefits” just means a person who gives me their Bed Bath & Beyond coupons.
*weird horror movie sounds*
me: it’s okay, it was just the cat
cat: ah hell nah
me: what?
demon: meow?
Sir, you can’t walk up to the drive through window.
[45 minutes later]
*gallops up to window on stick horse*
Got fired by Twitter. I was responsible for summoning demons to fulfill the prophecy. They said I wasn’t summoning fast enough
Teacher: did you cheat on your math test?
Me: [remembering having sex with a history exam] umm no way
Date: you don’t look anything like your profile photo
Me: *now crying*
Date: there you are
You take the garbage out and forget to put a new liner in the kitchen trash can and your family throws garbage in anyway because team work.
He wanted to come over but I only have one dozen donuts
I know it’s rude to ask someone about their pregnancy if you’re unsure, but my hubby looks about 4 months along & the suspense is killing me
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