Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

How many times do you have to click “I accept cookies” before they send you the cookies?

1-year-old: *screeches*

3-year-old: *screeches back*

Me: What’s wrong?

3: We’re dinosaurs

I had to ban pterodactyls fights in the house.

“Swimming is dangerous, so I wear floaties on my arms for safety!”

[cut to me floating face-down in a pool with only my arms above water]

me: this haunted house is so scary

wife:

me: look at all the spooky witches

wife: we are in a house of mirrors

me: oh no they seem mad

Go suck an egg. Lick a mango. Breathe on an avocado. Make everyone at the grocery store uncomfortable.

Marie Kondō’s method really has been magical. I’m ridding my home of anything that doesn’t “spark joy.”
So far I’m down one washing machine, one vacuum, and a husband.

Buys new collar for my dog. It’s too big! Apparently he thinks it’s jewelry and won’t let me take it off.

Being goth is hard. The curse on your boss is not working. Ravens are impossible to train. Deodorant marks on your black clothes. Ugh.

Sometimes nothing goes well. Other times you draw a mustache on a photo as a revenge, and the person on the photo sees it and to your surprise actually grows a mustache because he liked it

Toddler: I have a cute fat belly, you have a fat belly

Me:

airline clerk: your bag is over 50 pounds so that’ll be an extra $25

me: yes, of course *checks high school physics notes* money reduces the impact of gravity on mass

I’m sorry, this suitcase is overweight. You’re gonna have to take some stuff out and put it in a different bag so the plane doesn’t crash.

News Anchor: And now, to report live about this incredibly dangerous storm, we’ll send you out to one of our expendable reporters.

Him: Where’d you get that black eye?

Me: My girlfriend gave it to me.

Him: I thought your girlfriend was out of town.

Me: I did too…

If your dog & your baby are fighting, it’s important to leave them to it so that a pack leader can be established.

Hold the door for your girlfriend. Listen to the door. Tell the door everything will be okay. Leave your girlfriend for the door.

Try a craft you’ve never done so you can get mad at a person you’ve never met.

DON DRAPER: These Simpsons, they’re yellow?

ROGER STERLING: As the day is long.

DON: And the boy?

ROGER: Bart, lotta triangles on his head. (puts out cigarette) Sister, too.

[Having a tea party]

Kid: *takes sip, spits it out*

Me: Oops, I gave you the wrong one! So sorry that’s Mommy’s “tea”

Making snow angels but it’s just me rolling around in pizza cheese.

Delighted to have won the freight contract to help Ukrai… never mind.

You’re lifting weights dude, you’re not in labor. Settle down.

My wife asked me if I have plans for the weekend. It’s like she doesn’t even read my weekly newsletter.

It’s crazy people waste their time with hobbies and family when there are strangers on the internet who need to be argued with

volunteer in charge: we are gonna walk around and search for clues about the missing girl.
guy who just bought a new fly fishing rod: we should check the lake first

I was so excited. Thought I found an M&M at the bottom of my purse. It was only an earbud. I ate it anyway.

Curious, how many years do you keep a mismatched sock before you can get rid of it? Is it like taxes? 7years?

i saw someone say on facebook once, very seriously, that irish dancing was invented as a form of resistance against the english so the irish could be hiding behind bushes and the english wouldn’t be able to see that they were dancing with their legs.

The difference between a biography and an autobiography is self-explanatory.

I could tell my parents truly loved me as a child. My bath toys were a toaster, radio and a blow dyer.