“Mirror, mirror, on the wall.”
Mover: “Fine. Where do you want the couch?”
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Sharks just aren’t eating enough people.
Call me crazy, but the last person who did is still in a full body cast, so it’s up to you.
her: i like a guy that can last long 😉
me, a piece of flavored gum: shit
3-year-old is weeping because my husband hurt her feelings. Turns out he told her she can’t eat heaping spoonfuls of butter. Incredibly hurtful.
step 1. log onto instagram
step 2. find wedding day hashtags, ex. “SmithWedding2014”
step 3. use hashtag
step 4. post pictures of yaks
just discovered the true meaning of family and it turns out to be noun, a group of people related to each other by blood or marriage 😭😭
Please. Stop. Tweeting. Stop. Like. Stop.This.Stop. It. Stop. Looks.stop.Like.stop A stop.Telegram.stop so. Stop. Please. Stop!
Don’t ever sing Three Times a Lady to a woman that’s gained 20 pounds.
My husband knows this now.
Instead of a promise ring, I wear an onion ring
I’m saving my appetite for something pure
A man started choking in the line at Wendys today. Luckily the manager jumped into action… And opened another register
I pick up every feather that I see on the floor.
Interviewer: that’s a weird strength.
Reporter: What can you tell us about the asteroid you recently discovered?
Astronomer: No, comet.
*resolves to start taking better care of myself
*puts in a fresh pair of disposable contact lenses
Radio: “…it’s a climate of fear…”
Outside: [*raining clowns*]
Watched my friend flop face first onto a motel bedspread. I had no idea she was such a risk taker.
Sorry I made promises on Friday
Thinking about quitting my job to pursue my dream of not working.
There were a lot of tears when I dropped my kid back to school today. I think it’s really unprofessional when his teacher cries in front of us.
Me: HALLOWEEN!!!
Ween: Hallo!
I often wondered what it’d be like to be married to an idiot.
I asked my wife and she said you get used to it after a while.
A woman isn’t really heartbroken unless she does something drastic to her hair.
Girl, are you a barnacle? Because you suck and I can’t get you off my boat
I just tried to put my coffee pot in the refrigerator. I obviously slept very well and I’m on the way to a fabulous day.
Justin Bieber’s home has now been thoroughly searched, but police have uncovered no evidence of talent.
toddler: How do you spell “Elmo”?
me: “E”
toddler: “E” like “elephant”
me: Very good! “L”
toddler: “L” like “elephant”
me:
toddler:
me: “M”
toddler: “M” like “elephant”
me: Shit
toddler: “Shit” like “elephant”
10YO: [on her ipad] beat my high score!
ME: y’know they’re just numbers on a screen right? they don’t mean anything
[checks follower count]
The guy next door just put up his Christmas lights… I bet he’s pissed because I beat him, I put mine up 5 years ago..
I GOT INTO HARVARD!! 😍🥳🥳🥳 they left a first-floor window unlocked and i’m just walking around in here!
I was just in line at the store and standing awkwardly and tried to put my hands in my pockets but my jeans don’t have pockets and THIS IS WHY WOMEN ARE ALWAYS ANGRY
Guy in Car: get out of my way idiot
Guy in Crosswalk: pedestrians have the right of way
Car Guy: this ain’t Pedestria buddy this is America