Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Not even remotely sorry.

this spot reserved for good ol boys that know how to smoke a brisket

“Be careful when you follow the Masses.
Sometimes the ‘M’ is silent.”

The man that loves to eat on a lounger by the pool is a manipooleater

Therapist: what’s upsetting you?

Wife: he’s always using common phrases incorrectly

Me: cry me a table, Linda

oh u like history? name everything that happened

Keep salespeople from pestering you by asking what type of saw can cut through bone and sinew the quickest.

My mom announced her retirement yesterday, and her boss immediately started expressing concerns about all the tax penalties she’d incur by taking Social Security “early.”

And that’s how my mom found out everybody at work thought she was 15 years younger than her actual age.

The only downside is the realization that several people at work knew how old her children were, meaning a lot of people have been operating under the assumption she had a lot of kids in high school.

In English, a double negative forms a positive. in some languages, like Russian, a double negative is still a negative. In no language in the world can a double positive form a negative.

yeah…. right…

I see your account went private, good luck on the job hunt

I’m pretty sure my little brother exists only because I got too old to be my mama’s remote control.

Meat loaf is in the oven, potatoes are ready to boil and mash, and laundry’s almost done. Omg, I’m my imaginary wife.

Astronaut: wtf is this
NASA: it’s space food
A: I specifically asked for only Milky Way bars
N: look we get it but-
A: no no I’m coming down

Dear friend, if you ever feel bad, call me.

I promise to sing for you.

Then you can decide what’s worse.

I have enough money to live comfortably for the rest of my life, if I die next Thursday

The check engine light came on inside my oven.

I’m fat, so when I get mad, I get massive aggressive.

Capt of Titanic: “Mayday! We are sinking”
Coastguard: “What happened?”
*Cthulhu makes throat-slit gesture with tentacle*
Capt: “Iceberg”

There are two reasons I often don’t reciprocate:

1. I get distracted.

A large group of other people’s children is called a “Nope”.

Alexa just started playing Unchained Melody, so I guess things with my ghost are getting pretty serious.

Liven up any boring conversation by telling people you have a glass eye and then watch them try and figure out which one it is.

The wife always talks to herself in the shower. She says that’s how she plans her day.

Don’t like eavesdropping. Just wanna make sure she’s not leaving us.

My teens first time dusting picture frames and decided going foward that hanging them crooked would
” help the dust fall off”

*comes into work with a sore throat*
*licks everyone’s face*

Her: what are you into

Me: pokémon

Her: no i mean what’s your type?

Me: oh, fire

Cooking is easy if you’re single as long as you have a mom, leftovers and a microwave.

me: how do you say one in Spanish anyway

them: uno

me: no i don’t

[undoes GFs bra first time]
“wow have you been practicing?”
don’t be ridiculous
[me and dog exchange glances]

Me: Bed time
Hotel room: Good luck turning the lights off
Me: Easy. This one
Hotel: No. Bed light
Me: This one?
Hotel: Desk light
Me: This one?
Hotel: LOL You just turned on the curtain lights
Me: WTF? And that light in the wardrobe?
Hotel: 2400lux stadium lighting
Alarm: wake up