“Mirror, mirror, on the wall.”
Mover: “Fine. Where do you want the couch?”
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I won against my toddler in Candy Land today and she for real put my player back at the start and said “you go here now.” Then she continued to play and then told me she won.
Social Media and Real life
BF: I’m hungry. Wanna go out to eat?
GF: I look like hell. We can’t go out to eat.
BF: You look good enough to go to Waffle House.
GF: [eyes narrow]
Never forget that your fave celebs are trying to sell you cartoon monkey pictures during a pandemic.
Me: I need a minute to play with myself to get hard
Wife: *smirking* ok
Me: *pulls out my game boy*
“Get your cup off the table” has a whole other meaning when your a baseball mom.
*pulls curtain back while wife is in the shower*
me: Are we – stop screaming, it’s just me- are we out of Cheetos?
All I want for Christmas is someone to love and a horse solves crimes.
A cop pulled me over and said ‘papers’ I said ‘scissors’ and drove off. I win.
If you cross me again I’m gonna unleash hellfire* on you.
*own you in an imaginary argument in my head next time I shower
Him: “Part of having a sense of humor is knowing when to show restraint.”
Me: “Yeah, but this is Twitter.”
I think Tuesdays are worse than Mondays.
You can’t use “It’s Monday” as an excuse.
My 5-year-old just asked if we could have Hotdog Bell for dinner.
There is no Hotdog Bell here.
I’m not sure if there’s a Hotdog Bell at all.
the cool thing about having longer hair is using it to floss your teeth in a pinch
Taylor Swift is a psyop designed to get my wife to hum little tunes here and there
genie: u have three wishes, but u can’t make someone love u
me: random rule but ok
genie: seriously don’t even try
me: ok i won’t
genie:
me:
genie: *crying* trust me it doesn’t work
On our way back from hotel pool, door card doesn’t work. Francophone BF heads to reception to get new card and returns.
Him: Wow, there was a huge line up at reception but when I told them I had a wet girlfriend waiting at the door they all let me in..
“See you on the other side…”
~Me every time I’m at a gate with someone
A girl at the gym waved at me so I waved back. as it turned out she wasn’t waving at me
so now I’m gonna incorporate the hand wave into my exercising routine until she leaves
If you’re single on Valentine’s Day, it’s not because you’re undesirable or unattractive. It’s because you didn’t take the time to summon a demon & ask it out on a date and that is 100% your fault.
two people or more is called a problem
i will never tire of apocalypse shopping because i’m a virgo and also when the end comes i want to rub my preparation in everyone else’s faces
I’m the only woman at this baby shower who doesn’t have a baby. They better ooh and aah over my bassinet of deviled eggs.
I said to my 5yo that I thought he was going to help mommy with the shopping and he said “well that would be nice but I don’t really want to” so there’s proof that honesty isn’t always the best policy
ANDY: I clarified your butter.
ME: Ghee! Thanks!
Melons are like: You have no way of knowing how I am on the inside. Take me home, honey. Buy me
Bought my daughter a cheap ‘Miss Piggy’ purse but sadly it was very pork wallety.
Saw a guy smoking while pumping gas & at first glance thought ‘wow that’s not safe’ & at second glance thought ‘wow that guy’s on fire’
GM✌🏻
