Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Orcas seemed to have stopped attacking people and somehow that’s scarier. What are they planning?

Me: god you’re sexy

Her (sultry whisper): I’ll bet you say that to all the women

Me (sultry whisper): not my mom

I want to be more optimistic about aging but my 5 year old just found out I am 30 today and now she’s claiming the jewelry she wants to have when I’m dead.

Yesterday the vet asked if our cat was sleeping too much and I wondered if they knew she was, in fact, a cat.

Even death won’t stop my mom from criticizing me

If you broke up with your gf who works at a salad bar you can use the line “lettuce romaine friends” at a low cost of my student loans.

Actually, I’d rather you shut your talk-hole, not your pie-hole. If you have a hole that gives pie, I’m going in there, because HELLO PIE.

We DO NOT throw perfectly good food away in this house.

We put leftovers in a Tupperware & let it go bad, THEN throw it out!

2023 was just a warmup

Southern women don’t outright fight. We passive aggressively drive one another into the ground with compliments and trying to make the better fried chicken.

Me ending every email:

THanks!

THanks{backspace}

THank{backspace}

THan{backspace}

THa{backspace}

TH{backspace}

Thanks!

It must be hard to judge a wet t-shirt contest. I saw one recently and all the t-shirts looked equally wet.

Son told me “Make me a sandwich, woman” and now I have one child instead of two

Just banged my head but unfortunately it didn’t knock any more sense into it.

Who called it “unplugging the life support machine” and not “pulling the RIP cord”?

Me: one mcflurry please

Cashier: the machine is down

Me: awe then one for the machine too

Me: I need one washer for the sink

Hardware store: They only come in sets of 343 pieces

What I say: I’m on a diet. What my mom hears: please cook delicious food and buy chocolate.

I really hope that people are staring at me because they think I’m pretty and not because I slipped on ice and into a parked car.

Man, we’re losing so many people at work. Eric got fired, Amy found a new job, Rich evolved into a being of pure energy and ascended to a higher plane of existence, Sam’s internship ended… Everyone’s leaving.

I’m holding my head high and my middle finger a bit higher.

Everyone says this ChatGPT is as smart as a person, but I won’t be inpressed until I know which person.

My five year old keeps saying creditor when he means predator, and I can’t bring myself to correct him because tbh it works.

Sorry I said you and your husband look related.

ME: (peeing in the corner of the elevator)
GUY: We’re not even stuck.

Just told my husband we needed to end this year with a bang and now I’m regretting my choice of words.

Me (to 7): Son, we…
Wife (in earpiece): have to talk
M: Have to talk
W: about girls
M: About grills
W: NO
M: NO
W: IDIOT
M: IDIOT

Fight club but it’s really just me trying to grab air before I fall on the ice.