Mirror mirror on the wall, please make me look like a mix between emaciated and “I’d hit that.”
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Friend: Man he drinks like a fish.
Me: [crouched in a tiny pirate castle with a 12 pack] I’m freaking the hell out.
4: am i asleep?
me:
4: mom??
me: i…i feel like this is a trick
The fact that they call it the Food Pyramid and not Food Triangle implies it has at least two other sides. So maybe this much taffy is OK
Me: they’re called in-laws because the law still applies if you do something to them right
Guy on subway: what
Me: what
*leaves the kids w/ a new babysitter
*calls to check on the sitter
Do those “selfie sticks” retract, or do you just have to walk around like a doofus with a stick all day?
My kids teach frat boys how to trash houses.
It’s all fun and games until you realize he understands Spanish.
Old people like to get up at 4am so they can go sit in chairs and fall back asleep
All it takes is a “food dreadful, service poor” Yelp review to get your mother-in-law to stop inviting you to Sunday dinner.
I was telling my daughter that she doesn’t need to take everyone’s opinion into account and said “like if (person) told me I am a bad mom, I wouldn’t really care because—“
My 6 year old: IF SOMEONE CALLED YOU THAT I WOULD HIT THEM IN THE FACE
“OPEN UP, THIS IS THE POLICE!”
haha, no way losers. I’ve got things to do.
*cop whispering* “what do we do? this guy is owning us hard!”
[phone call]
murderer: I know where u live
me: it’s just til I get back on my feet
When I was little and asked Mom how to spell a word she’d hand me a dictionary so when she asked how to do emojis I handed her a 13-year-old
Only cowards need to take bath salts to bite a stranger’s face
Below Deck sounds like a way of discreetly describing a condition to my doc
Opposing counsel licks his thumb every time he turns a page in his file and basically I didn’t even know this rage inside me existed.
I’m opening a Japanese restaurant for depressives.
It’s called “Miso Sad.”
I have started a band called Free Beer.
When people see our sign ‘Free Beer Tomorrow at 9PM’ I’m sure everyone is going to be there.
[Super soldier program]
SCIENTIST: We’ve given you an enhanced cybernetic arm.
ME: So I can take pies out of the oven without mitts.
SCIENTIST: More—more for killing people.
ME:
SCIENTIST:
ME:
SCIENTIST:
ME: But I can also—
SCIENTIST: Yes you can also use it for the pie thing.
If you are going to make me scan my own groceries, give me an intercom too
My children will either grow up with a sarcastic, dark sense of humor or they’ll wind up a serial killer team. Either way, I’m excited that I won’t have to drive them to birthday parties.
Me: I don’t think I belong
Therapist: Do you think you be short?
Pick a card, any card. No, not that one. Not that one, either.
[landlord walks in apartment]
“I told you no pets!”That’s a stray gerbil.
“And those fish??”
…stray fish. SHOO FISH, SCRAM
My Grandad had a pet shop. Which was a stupid thing to have as a pet.
RT if you could go either way.
Sneaking up behind people and marrying them
I asked my doctor if this heavily advertised, extremely ineffective medicine with many frightening side effects might be right for me.