Mirror mirror on the wall, please make me look like a mix between emaciated and “I’d hit that.”
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Driving home with my kids & my son didn’t like the song I was listening to. He said, “Thank God we’re 10 seconds from home!” & then I took the long way home because that’s what good parents do.
I’m fairly confident I could live in a desert, I’ve gone years without drinking water.
I told my 5-year-old to play a new silent game, but she spent almost 30 minutes discussing about the rules.
Now we’re playing the Lets watch Cartoons game.
A facial recognition program, but one that matches your Tupperware container to its lid.
cashier: alright, you have a good day now!
me (offended, grabbing my 2 40s & box of donuts): I’ll do nothing of the sort
My husband just told me not to look in the vegetable drawer because it would ruin my birthday surprise, but if my birthday surprise involves vegetables, he may be in danger.
Maybe my threats will be more effective if, after I mentioned all the people I’ve killed, I don’t say, “in RuneScape.”
i have quarantined a small hotdog within the confines of a small crescent roll which i have quarantined in my belly
LOL pills that say don’t take with alcohol. Ok Doc, how do YOU
suggest I take my medication then?
Apparently just because I have the “mind of a child” I’m not allowed to sit on a Santa’s lap. Also it’s “illegal” to carry a brain around.
the most audacious part of the trojan horse plan must’ve been trying to keep all the soldiers inside from giggling so much
Do you know who REALLY gets irony?
Skydiving schools.
Cuz you gotta drop out to graduate!
*releases mic to float down on tiny parachute*
Hell yeah I wanna save a draft of that unaddressed email with nothing in the body.
*rocking back and forth, trying to gather enough momentum to get out of a chair* WHO ARE YOU CALLING FAT?
Being fluent in Spanish is all fun and games until you’re put in a professional setting and all you know is Spanish del rancho
You’re so strain. You probably think this song is about flu.
By the time I say “secondly,” I’m scrambling to come up with what’s “thirdly.”
Landlordle – where the goal is to get your plumbing fixed, but you only get six chances to summon a super.
P L E E Z
T O D A Y
N E E D U
S U I N G ✅
A big bug flew down my throat during my run this morning so [buys treadmill]
ME: lately I feel lonely. like I’ve become untethered from the world
WOLF WHO IS WEARING MY FRIEND’S FACE AS A MASK: *understanding growl*
Practice self-care like Dracula: sleep all day, eat all night & outlive everyone who has ever loved you.
Here’s my thread about the spiders I’ve taken outside
– tonight was Bruce. He was medium sized and fast, but cooperated well 4/5 stars
You can literally say any Italian sounding words and pass it off as pasta.
I had bossatony micelli carbonara tonight.
Why did they make Courtney Cox? Because Lisa Kudrow.
Spoiler alert: The fairytale ends with the prince at work, 3 whiney kids, and you are cinderella AND the wicked witch.
Everyone always tells me I look young for my age, especially since I started telling them that I’m 72
my wife: we have to wear what we died in for eternity!?
st. peter: that’s right
me: [from the back end of our horse costume] what’d he say
(Watching Planet Earth)
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH: A narrow escape. The rabbit lives to fight another day
ME: hooray I wanted this
DA: The fox will have nothing to feed its hungry babies
ME: Oh no why did I want this
I’m drinking espresso until I find how many it takes to vibrate my molecules fast enough that I can pass through walls. So far it’s not seventeen and I’m running out of Band-Aids
Spent the day helping out on my son’s Kindergarten field trip.
Teachers should make a minimum of $6 million per year.