Mirror, mirror on the wall, was the dwarfs’ mother high when she named them all?
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New mom: any advice?
Mom 1: sleep when the baby sleeps
Mom 2: eat when the baby eats
Me (who has no children): check your email when the baby checks their email
Mario: hey u up?
Princess: yeah y?
M: come over 😉
P: can’t. Kidnapped 🙁
M: Where? I’ll save u
P: castle. Up stairs, next 2 flagpole
M: k
i’ve started reading before bed instead of scrolling twitter and not only am i sleeping really well, but i also think i’m better than everyone
Quick! I’m doing my taxes. Is it normal to get $76,000 back when you make $60,000?
7 wants to pull all her hair out and plant miniature trees instead
My 3yo asked me if she could shave the window and it took me a couple minutes to figure out that she wanted to use the squeegee.
I just want to find a supplement that takes me back to my 22 year old body, skin, and hair. So magic. I’m looking for magic.
Life hack: If you are sad. Don’t cry at home, wait until you go to work and cry in the bathroom. That way you’ll get pay as you cry. Cheat the system.
I love when I learn a new word and use it for the embourgeoisement of my vocabulary
If you scream at the library, everyone gives you funny looks.
If you scream on an airplane, everyone joins in.
[burying my father at sea]
Why isn’t this shovel working?
The Canadian authorities should bring in Billy Joel for questioning.
While doing her history homework, my daughter asked me what I knew about Galileo.
I said, he’s just a poor boy from a poor family.
REPORTER: Today a 25-year old dog is playing dead for the first time. It goes to show that old dogs really can learn… Oh goddamn it.
if you can’t handle me at my honk shoo honk shoo, you don’t deserve me at my mimimimimi
Loyalty is very important for my wife…
My girlfriend doesn’t care.
Funny how different sisters can be! 😜
Son, we don’t play Hungry Hungry Hippos for “fun.” We play it to learn how friends turn on each other in moments of desperation and scarcity
My resume reads like an oddly formatted apology letter
Brides agonizing over what dress to choose on Say Yes to the Dress should know I just turned to my husband and asked him to describe my wedding dress giving as much detail as he could remember.
His answer was white. With a question mark.
ME: I still suck my thumb at night, yesterday I called my landlady “mom”
JUDGE: you only have to tell the truth about questions you’re asked
(Going through Emergency Go Bag)
Hubs: We have no matches or flint
Me: We don’t need any
Him: How would we start a fire if we needed one?
Me: (slaps my thighs) just let me run for a few minutes and the friction between these two bad boys will start a forest fire
I asked the cashier if she could validate my parking. “You park real good,” she said.
if they didn’t want me to take the coins off a dead man’s eyes they would have moved the gumball machine further away.
I put on a blue vest and just walked out of Lowe’s with 18 toilet plungers
It’s the weekend y’all
Genetics are weird. Like only 1 of the kids got my hair color but all of them got my husband’s inability to fully close a drawer.
Her: I like dogs
Me: *dies in 10-13 years*
drivers seem to underestimate how willing i am to get knocked down at a zebra crossing to prove a point
If you put dry teabags in shoes they absorb the odor. So your shoes smell good but the tea tastes so bad it’s almost not worth it
its wild how some kids are so free with other new kids with brief torrential friendships on a playground. imagine grown ups just walking up to each other like “HEY, ADULT” and then you’re grocery shopping or doing your taxes together for an hour then never see them again