Mirror, mirror on the wall
Why so many fingerprints?![]()
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“I got you this for Valentine’s Day.”
[she opens the box and reveals several People magazines inside]
“I think we should see other people.”
Went Trick-or-Treating last night and all I got was yelled at.
Gemma Correll
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It feels like Duolingo is giving me writing prompts for a very specific story
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No one is more ambitious than a mom with a single day off.
Yogi Bear: You gonna eat that?
Hiker: THAT’S A BABY.
YB: And I’m a talking bear.
Hiker:
YB:
Hiker:
YB: So where are we on that baby?
paddle faster i hear baby shark
The hardest part of parenting is, and I can’t stress this enough, the kids.
No, autocorrect. I don’t want a shipload of marijua…actually, ya that’s fine.
The floor after my kids eat one granola bar
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REALTOR: what size home are you looking for?
OLD LADY WHO LIVED IN A SHOE: 11 , 11 1/2
In case you ever worry you spend to much money on dumb things you should know they’re still making Grey’s Anatomy
Eggs are just drums you can only play once
NYT: No, we did not make Wordle harder. We promise.
Also NYT: Today’s Wordle is KHYBX — which everyone knows is a popular 11th century Latin delicacy derived from quicksand extract. Duh.
dear diary
today i got to first base
it was a rebel base
i destroyed it
I’ve hated dentists way before they started killing lions.
My 9-year-old brought a guinea pig to the table for lunch. Then she left to get something from the kitchen. Now the guinea pig and I are just staring at each other. Awkward lunch for two.
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While taking a nap with my daughter, my 4 year old son creeps into my bed, fiddles with my bra hooks for 5 minutes, then gives up and passes out snoring next to me. No need for a paternity test, he’s definitely my husband’s son.
Today, I realized that I am half-centaur.
I woke up and did 75 crunches.
Cap’n Crunches, but still.
Have donuts and coffee, will travel.
I never met a problem I couldn’t make worse
5yo: Curious George is not a monkey
Me: yes he is
5yo: no he isn’t, he doesn’t have a tail, he’s an ape
Me: he definitely has a— *googling pics of Curious George* omg
cop: *knocks on my car window*
me: sorry is the music too loud
cop: yes
me: *sets down bagpipes*
we tend to look past the fact the happy birthday song was probably written by someone who forgot a gift & came up with that song on the spot
Fun fact, the American alligator (Alligator mississippiensis) has enough bones in its body to make up an entire alligator skeleton.
Oddly, Tripoli doesn’t have a single E.
Cop: can u describe your attacker
Me: super aggressive, with a big nose & powerful arms
Cop: u just described a seagull
Me: he took my chips
I saw a sign that said “Watch for children”
I thought to myself “That sounds like a fair trade”
I asked my wife if she thought alligators could get aids and she showed me all these studies on how their blood can be used to fight autoimmune diseases and then I didn’t have the heart to tell her I was just trying to make a Gatorade joke.