Miscakes
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Me: Can I have some of your candy?
3-year-old: Can I have some of your beer?
Me:
3:
Me:
3:
Me: Deal.
Wife: NO!
Dieting is when you eat foods that make you sad and leave feeling hungry still.
Me: What kind of stupid phone you got there?
Him: Windows phone
Me: Oh [takes it and lobs it out the window] Yes it is
What do you mean that “you can’t monetize laziness and procrastination?”
I wasn’t craving chocolate bunnies until I opened the twitter. Thanks guys, now I have to go buy Easter candy before it’s on sale.
one of
sorry i left you on read i didn’t mean to open it just yet
Dropped a pea in my apple juice and my daughter couldn’t wait to tell me that I was drinking pea.
Ok, so there’s “senior’s parking,” and “expectant mothers parking” at the grocery store.
Where is the parking for “Undermedicated, on a short fuse and probably shouldn’t be out in public?”
sure sex is great but have you ever waved goodbye to houseguests
The microwave really puts 1 minute into perspective, doesn’t it?
I spent tonight convincing my toddler that naps are different than sleep so even if she won’t go to sleep she can at least nap, what I’m saying is, don’t mess with moms, we got game
Tweeting and grocery shopping don’t mix. I’ve been down every aisle and just realized all I have in my cart is a cabbage and someone’s baby.
I wish I could fall as gracefully as a winter coat slinking off the back of a chair.
If you want to keep people away from you, just have a conversation with yourself at the supermarket self checkout, like there’s an employee there:
Me: Did you find everything you need today?
Me: Yes, thank you.
Me: Whatchu got planned for today?
Me: Just relaxing
It’s not politically correct to say Retarded, we say Politician now.
CW: Have you had 5 guys?
Me: *blank stare* That’s kinda personal don’t ya think?
And that’s when I found out it’s the name of a burger joint
Remember when all bombs looked like a black bowling ball with a giant wick in the top? Yep, simpler times.
3: Mommy, I love you. You’re the best mommy in the world. I wish I had a mom just like you.
Me:
If Shakespeare were being born today, he’d be “Shaxxespyr.”
Just saw an amazing deal for Valentine’s Day “You’re My One and Only” cards.. 2 for $5
I just battle rapped my 4 year-old and rhymed “take a nap” with “piece of crap” so don’t tell me about your parenting skills.
Perhaps Nicki Minaj just lost a series of bets.
Do you think it’s weird that the only reason we still have landlines is so cops in movies can wake each other up in the middle of night?
me: *notices the dog sleeping at my feet, slowly and carefully does the splits to get off the couch without waking her up*
dog: *instantly on her feet* I’ll get my leash
I didn’t get a chance to do yoga this morning or any other morning of my life.
I’ve started thinking in CNN. ‘Am I going to have a cup of coffee? Looking at historical trends, you would say yes. But! I am very comfortable. Maybe someone else will get me one. Maybe I’ll fall asleep. We’ll know more an hour from now. Back to you, Wolf.’
It’s a 50% chance the dental floss on the floor is mine, but until I wrestle it back into the trash, I’m treating it like a cobra at large.
the worst part of facing the final boss in any video game is when he makes you fill out the self-evaluation portion of your performance review beforehand
Bartender: What’ll It be?
Stephen King: A novel at first, then a tv miniseries, then a movie.