Misery: Hello there!
Company: I have a boyfriend…
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Me: I’m going to be healthy
Breakfast: fruit
Lunch: sandwich
Dinner: salad
Midnight: large pizza, mac & cheese, a gallon of ice cream
Me: What did she send you on Snapchat?
My pre-teen: A picture of a wall.
Me: What did you send back?
My pre-teen: The ceiling.
Wind chimes are a bit like children. You can enjoy the sounds of your own but everyone else’s is like a cheese grater on sunburnt skin.
I support Greenpeace because I care about environmental activism, just not enough to do any of the real work myself.
Monster under the bed: Look, I was going to scare you but this is sad. You’ve been in bed for 15 hours.
Me: I’ll go to the restroom after the next episode is over.
Monster: You said that last episode, I just want to go see my kids.
how to talk to a woman wearing headphones:
1. be the artist she has currently chosen to listen to through her headphones
ten years ago we had Jason Shoes, Carl Shirt and Daniel Problem. now we have no shoes no shirt no problem welcom to dennys what can i get u
Me: I don’t think this is going to work
Wife: I know, I’ve been feeling like that for a long time. We’ll be so much happier with other people
M: I was talking about switching the toilet paper so it rolls under
ME: Who’s my little sex kitten?
HER: *slowly pushes me off bed*
ME: [from floor] That’s right baby.
I grilled a bunch of elk meat before my buddy told me,
“You’re making a big moose steak.”
What if Jesus was so chill because he was the only person alive unburdened by the knowledge that his parents had sex?
Me: why don’t you go and play with Jack?
3yo: no, I like playing with myself
Me: er, by, you like playing BY yourself…
MOVIE EXEC: So your idea for a superhero is a guy called ‘Candleman’ and his catchphrase is ‘There’s no rest for the wick head’?
ME: Yep!
HIM: Get out
Old MacDonald had a personalised numberplate, E1 E10.
My daughter said she hates Jon Bon Jovi’s voice and now I’m wondering who switched my baby at the hospital
ppl always judge adam & eve for listening to the talking serpent but u never hear a single person say anything about dr doolittle
Gravity, at all times, is trying to pull your pants down
Kids today will never know what it’s like to have a 3rd grade teacher who teaches every subject and even serves as dentist on fluoride day.
People always ask Jesus to take the wheel but there were no cars back then so how good a driver can he really be
My uncle works for a company that makes bicycle wheels.
He’s the Spokesman.
I hate it when people don’t know the difference between “You’re” and “Your”
There stupid…
I would like even faster food.
That worked out so much differently in my head.
– an autobiography
[ explaining The Plan ]
jesus: ok i gotta be honest, you lost me at the giant rabbit with eggs
god: look man, these ppl are idiots
[taking a walk with mom]
Me: *steps on a crack and hears a woman scream*
Mom: I guess now is the time to tell you that you’re adopted.
‘Triskaidekaphobia’ is the word for an irrational fear of the number 13.
But why does Big Dictionary have no word for if the fear is rational? Like, maybe the number 13 killed your family, or cut your brake lines.
Stay woke, friends.
I told him I like a big vocabulary and now he won’t stop using 72pt font.
One of the perks of marriage is having someone around to let you know which normal things from your childhood were actually very very weird
Me: I choose Truth!
Him: What is the most time wasting app on your phone?
Me: …I choose Dare!
We don’t deserve birds.
