Misery: Hello there!
Company: I have a boyfriend…
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“I can be nice or I can be honest.”
This dude messaged me to tell me to just block the dudes that annoy me so I replied “good idea” and then blocked him and he was so right it felt so great
If elected I will pour out three fingers of scotch and fill the bottle back up with water so my dad doesn’t notice.
I got a Rubik’s Cube for my dog
it looks like someone put their IKEA Güsen together wrong
Butt weight. There’s more!
were your parents the last ones to pick you up from school or are you normal
Crazy but true: Over 80 percent of twins seperated at birth have the same exact birthday.
Great Canadian literature.
*knocks on bathroom stall wall*
Forgive me father, for I have sinned.
“Huh? What?”
It’s been 3 days since my last-
[sound of diarrhea]
20/__ — Cyclops with perfect vision
“I left my carrot cake from the restaurant in the Uber” and other sad tales of city living.
I like ordering delivery pizza from two different locations as a race. I prize myself as the winner with two pizzas.
I decided to jog in place at a stoplight and got some really strange looks.
I should’ve just stayed in the car.
girlfriend: is crying
me, an empath: im sensing that you want me to go play playstation for a while
Star Wars, but every character is Owen Wilson
I eat my chips like any normal person, waiting to get to the perfect chip before I stop.
*crunch*
too salty*crunch*
this one is broken*crunch*
that one was perfect but I’m still hungry*crunch*
not salty enough*crunch*
broken again
my brain: you have over a thousand unread emails
me: yes
my brain: are you ever going to read them?
me: no
my brain: then delete them
me: no
So inspired right now.
Ironically, having a child makes you swear more, not less.
accidentally juuled in front of my mom but she only saw the smoke and goes “what was that” so i immediately said ”oh my god you saw that too?” and now i have to spend the rest of my life pretending my house is haunted
Amidst a decrease in airfare prices, WestJet has hiked the cost of checked bags and Flair has added a new credit card fee. Thankfully, Air Canada has stepped up and is offering an additional 50% off of your legroom!
I set up a Nativity scene, but since baby Jesus hasn’t arrived yet, all the Wise Men are just looking down at their phones.
I named a large spider I saw today in my bedroom “Cotton Eye Joe” because Where’d you come from. Where’d you go.
Doctor: *eyes wide*
Me: let me start by saying it seemed like a good idea at the time
Why stop at weighted blankets? Put a boulder on me.
I’m in such a bad mood today, all I have to do is look at someone and they start apologizing.
Enough with the false promises. If you turn on your left signal, you turn left. I don’t care if it was a mistake. You’re turning left now.