Me: *twirling* And this stress has POCKETS can you believe it??!
Therapist: Please sit down.
Me:*falling over* Ok
Misery: Hello there!
Company: I have a boyfriend…
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Every man wants a smart woman until he wants to win an argument.
Lisa: morning David
Me: who said that?
Lisa [sighs]: sorry I didn’t text you back last night
Me: is that a ghost? Because Lisa is dead to me
i made a promise to myself that if i ever get an island the first thing that i will do is put some dinosaurs on it.
Never judge a book by its cover unless it looks stupid.
A drinking game where you do a shot every time you are prompted to update Adobe
Then darkness fell upon the Earth, and the demons rose to torture and feast on our souls.
CW: Jeeze Ange, it was just a cloud, lighten up.
RAFIKI: [lifts Simba over head on Pride Rock]
SIMBA: Put me down I am 32 years old
BOSS: your productivity has been low
ME: it’s because my favorite employee is leaving the office in a week
Everyone’s all worried about World War III. Worry about the important shit. Batman’s fighting Superman in 2016.