@TeeJayRush

Misery: Hello there!
Company: I have a boyfriend…

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@justokpanda

Me: *twirling* And this stress has POCKETS can you believe it??!

Therapist: Please sit down.

Me:*falling over* Ok

@MasterOfFury

Every man wants a smart woman until he wants to win an argument.

@david8hughes

Lisa: morning David
Me: who said that?
Lisa [sighs]: sorry I didn’t text you back last night
Me: is that a ghost? Because Lisa is dead to me

@wolfpupy

i made a promise to myself that if i ever get an island the first thing that i will do is put some dinosaurs on it.

@HrBry

A drinking game where you do a shot every time you are prompted to update Adobe

@Angibangie

Then darkness fell upon the Earth, and the demons rose to torture and feast on our souls.

CW: Jeeze Ange, it was just a cloud, lighten up.

@joejwest

RAFIKI: [lifts Simba over head on Pride Rock]
SIMBA: Put me down I am 32 years old

@panmidwest

BOSS: your productivity has been low

ME: it’s because my favorite employee is leaving the office in a week

BOSS: who?

ME: me

@noog

Everyone’s all worried about World War III. Worry about the important shit. Batman’s fighting Superman in 2016.