Misery: Hello there!
Company: I have a boyfriend…
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WAITER: questions about the menu?
ME: is it recycled paper?
WAITER: no, i meant about what’s on it
ME: oh. what kind of ink is this?
1998: stop playing pokemon and go outside
2016: stop playing pokemon and come inside
Spider just landed on my shoulder. I didn’t want to kill it so I just fainted instead.
He approaches me from behind and wraps his arms around me and I am breathless.
With one firm and quick thrust, he dislodges my food.
Be yourself; everyone else is already Batman.
So psyched! My 1st granddaughter born today:
6lb11oz!
Which is not the name I’d have chosen, but I guess I need to keep up with the times.
My 4 year old asked me if tears were made of pee and when I told him “no” he asked why they taste like pee. I have so many questions.
[Opens hand sanitiser]
SUbmiT YoUr SOuL
tO EternAL HeLL fiRe
[closes lid]
wtf?
[looks at label]
LINDA YOU BOUGHT HAND SATANISER AGAIN
As we lie in bed at 4am I know you’re looking at me thinking you’ve struck gold. Your hand reaches towards me and I slap it away from the cheese that just fell onto my chest.
“No” I shout through a mouthful of cold pizza “mine”
A woman at my gym tonight told me my kids look just like me because they inherited my “small face.” Can somebody help me out, because I just really need to know if I should be offended.
My toxic trait is wanting things I can’t have, like sleep and lactose
I taught my daughter to whistle a few days ago and now I’m teaching her that whistling can lead to adoption.
Any room can be a room with a view if you are in it.
Catwoman’s full name is Catherine Woman.
3: I DON’T NEED YOU!!
Me: *already booking 1 ticket to the Bahamas*
[date]
HER: ok let’s both say our greatest fear at the same time, 3 2 1
HER: being alone
ME: a clown eating my hotdog
I will literally eat plates of junk and think nothing of it, then eat a single berry and Google its health benefits
The Constitution has barely been altered in 200 years, but my $300 textbook is worth $0.82 bc they came out with a new edition mid-semester.
Start calling divorces “incidents”
Level up on that intrigue
My kids can’t play at your house because they might begin to think laundry doesn’t live on the couch.
toddler: How do you spell “Elmo”?
me: “E”
toddler: “E” like “elephant”
me: Very good! “L”
toddler: “L” like “elephant”
me:
toddler:
me: “M”
toddler: “M” like “elephant”
me: Shit
toddler: “Shit” like “elephant”
Look officer, he’s missing but I don’t remember what he was wearing. I’d need a mirror to tell you what I’m wearing.
*first date*
Her: I’m a bit of a night owl
Me: Surely as most owls are nocturnal then it’s just an owl
H: Well, aren’t you a hoot
“Can I go play w/ my Twitter friends?”
Wife: “Are the kids in bed & the dishwasher emptied?”
“…Yes”
*wife opens cabinet, kids fall out*
Me: This swimsuit does nothing to flatter my bust. I feel like an old lady.
Him: Maybe it’s because you use words like “bust.”
Me: Ok. This swimsuit does nothing to flatter my bosom.
me: [preparing to give eulogy] *takes jacket off*
priest: don’t undress the deceased
Kid: …
Me: …
Kid: …
Me: …
Kid: …
Me: …
Kid: I just wanted to see you.[4:07 am]
My roommate thinks our house is haunted but in the 182 years I’ve lived here I’ve not encountered any problems 🤷🏻♀️
My 6yo ate his dinner but apparently that wasn’t enough food because he said “I’m hungry” and I said “I’m daddy” which really wasn’t the answer he was looking for.