Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Chefs: you eat with your eyes first

Me, eating with my mouth: oh no

4: I wanna watch Sing 2!

hubs: you’ve watched that a thousand times.

4: not today.

No one girl should have all that power. 😂

Wrote in my Gratitude Journal, like I do every day, that I’m particularly thankful for my Spite Journal, which now comprises several handsome volumes.

How to get a woman:

1) find one who sells cars
2) take a test drive
3) just keep driving

She’s yours now, plus you have a new car.

I just want to live in a world where every slice of bacon is perfectly fried, beer flows freely from the kitchen tap, pandemics are a thing of the past…

… and that world peace thing.

Cop: have you been drinking tonight?

Me: no sir

Cop: *rips off mask to reveal my mother* well you need to stay hydrated

If I had known what cleaning a toilet is like with a husband and two sons I would’ve become a lesbian.

[at the gym]

Trainer: “Why don’t you tell me what your workout goals are.”

Me: “Goals? I’m just here so I don’t eat for an hour.”

Me: I don’t care if schools open, you’re not going.

13: I am going! You’re not using this as an opportunity to live out your homeschool mom fantasies.

Me: Please. My fantasies involve boarding schools. Get over yourself.

My evil clone:[pointing to me] Shoot HIM, he’s the clone

Friend:[aims at the clone] The REAL Alex would never pass up an opportunity to die

[getting a checkup]
DOCTOR: On average, how much alcohol do you drink in a day?
ME: *sweating* NO ONE SAID THERE WOULD BE ANY MATH

Oh, you love me? Name three of my recent emotional breakdowns

It’s embarrassing when my wife pats me down for concealed chicken nuggets in front of our friends.

[pulls into taco bell drive thru]
Hi, I’d like enough tacos to forget 2016

I’m starting to suspect the Christmas tradition of the kids cleaning the house for Santa while the parents nap is just something my parents made up.

My biggest fears are:

-running out of chocolate
-running out of coffee
-running out of toilet paper
-running

accidentally got hired at a bakery today. came in for a cinnamon roll during rush hour and left 4 hours later with a dozen donuts and $60 cash. not really sure what happened in between those two events. i believe my life is a video game

plug your corndog into the cigarette lighter to reheat it a little bit while driving

When you stop looking for it is when you’ll find it.

Happiness, love, that last beer in the back of the fridge.

Remember kids, every weekend can be a three day weekend if you’re still too drunk from Thursday! 🍻

My apathy is at an all time whatever.

For when Tinder doesn’t work

I wasn’t entirely comfortable slaughtering that goat under the light of a full moon but grandma’s gravy recipe was very specific.

Watches my wife cut the 2 yr. olds apple juice with water …

*Hauntingly second guesses every drink she’s ever mixed for me now

The main difference between kids and dogs is that kids grow out of following you to the bathroom

Being a billionaire should be illegal unless you’re a talking duck with no pants.

Can’t believe no one told me that cows can’t walk down stairs. Now I’m stuck with all these attic cows.

lawyer talking under his breath: “guiltypeoplesaywhat?”

suspect: what?

lawyer: no further questions your honor

INTERVIEWER: thank u, those are all my questions. do u hav any questions for us
ME: yes…why do i want this job
INTERVIEWER: [starts sweatig]