Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Sorry I don’t remember your name, I was concentrating too hard on shaking hands, making eye contact and not mispronouncing my own.

6 yo: I’m getting bigger, this house won’t fit me much longer.

therapist: what do you think is your greatest fear

me: what if you dropped a baby and it landed on its feet

[First day as a detective]

Me *pouring a drink*: let’s play never have I ever

Murder suspect:

Me: never have I ever shot a guy

Suspect:

Me: never have I killed guy… even by accident? *nudges their drink closer*

Suspect: dude stop

Me: *mouthing* ᵀᵃᵏᵉ ᵃ ˢᶦᵖ

I like to throw a fake punch at a hooker’s crotch. If she flinches, I know it’s a dude.

if you have a roomba but don’t dress it up in little outfits then what are you even doing

Sure stepping on a Lego is painful, but have you ever twisted your ankle tripping over a cold and shamed Natalie Imbruglia lying naked on the floor?

I used to be happily married…but then we went furniture shopping together.

To gangs that carve their names into public toilet seats:
A) Why?
B) Haha, you touched a public toilet seat.

[ First day as a British comedy account ]

I sure do love those chocolate chip *checks writing on hand* biscuits? That can’t be right.

I held the door for an old person today and he was like, “didn’t we go to high school together” and we did.

Welcome to adulthood. Your body now crackles like a carnival glow stick when you get up.

Whenever you introduce someone, put air quotes around their name.

I want you to meet my friend “Ami”

I’ll never just put the seat down; the lid’s going down with it. If I gotta work, so does she.

My parents decided to test their marriage by going to IKEA today

A younger person at work was telling us she made bagels herself at home.

Impressive, until we found out that she meant buying them at the coffee shop then taking them home to toast

“Is chicken the animal spelled the same as chicken the food?”
– my child, about to be shook

Pinocchio would have been a way crazier story if he were a swordfish

Oysters are an aphrodisiac because they figure if you swallow that, you’ll swallow anything

my kid is in her bed kicking her wall in morse code.

nope, scratch that. It’s either Wheels on the Bus or Bohemian Rhapsody, but I’m gonna tell her either way to go ahead and skip to the end

doctor: I may have to amputate your feet if we can’t stop the infection

me: are there any steps I can take

doctor: not after I’m done

wanton disregard: extreme lack of care for the well-being or rights of another individual

wonton disregard: using wontons as the target at a shooting range

Me looking for my phone using my phone flashlight: where the heck is it?!

I know how to pronounce worcestershire until I see it written.

Never play board games with someone whose bumper sticker says “Failure is not an option.”

Mom u can stop cutting the crust off my bread now im in a gang

Breaking News: Man shaped like a garbage bag full of potato salad upset with outcome of sporting event.

[driving] Goddamn pedestrians

[walking] Goddamn drivers

[both] Goddamn cyclists

My 12yo busted into our room with a Nerf gun. She made eye contact with her dad and really went for it. My husband was sitting with our 6yo. He immediately turned into a force field to protect her. I have so much respect for that man because I would’ve used our 6yo as a shield.

noah’s wife: so, how’s your little project going?

noah: little project? {he sighs, grabs his plate & gets up from the table} i’m going to eat dinner in my room