Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ME: can i open a joint account

BANKER: ok with who

ME: anyone rich

You can tell A LOT about a Woman’s mood just by looking at her hands…

…for example…If she’s holding a gun? She’s probably pissed.

So excited for the Apple Watch. For centuries, we’ve checked the time by
looking at our phones. Having it on your wrist? Genius. #AppleLive

Weighing myself:

“That can’t be right. Let’s do that again.”

“Okay, best of 3”

The word Ohio looks like a tractor

I would like to be a zombie because when someone asked me if I had a boyfriend I could just eat them.

ME: being single again is great

FRIEND: really? what did you have for dinner

ME: alfredo sauce

FRIEND: on?

ME: … a plate

My Ex told me once that more people would like me if I buttered them up, but in real people ran away when I step towards them with a butter knife.

due to my wife’s recent surgery it hurts her to laugh. thankfully after 18 years together she no longer finds me funny so she’s perfectly safe.

Every time a cop pulls me over I get nervous because I think they’re finally going to arrest me for those hotel towels I stole while vacationing.

Rappers: we gonna see you in the club! Get down in the club! Party in the club!

Me: ok cool can’t wait
[is too embarrassed to ask ‘but which club though’]

With the right amount of pressure I can make my forehead look like a brain – could be useful

In case you’re considering having kids, I’ve been awake since sunrise trying to fulfill breakfast requests of: 1. Pancakes 2. Pizza 3. Green

Wife: So, I really need you to help out this week, because I’m super busy at work.

Me: Mmm hmmm

Wife: Are you even listening to me?

Me: *thinking about opening a restaurant for cats* You need me to buy super glue and a wok. Got it.

Eating healthy is boring but it can extend your lifespan so basically there are no advantages

I get so excited when Facebook tells me there are hot singles in my city who want to meet me. Maybe they want to babysit!

“You gotta try the lobs-”
– I’ll should tell you…
“Yes?”
– We’re not having sex.
“OK.”
– What were you saying?
“The chicken here’s great.”

My teen is asking for noise-cancelling headphones like I’m going to give him the gift of ignoring me better

Breakfast is the most important meal of the day, desserts are the second most important.

JOB INTERVIEWER: Do you know short-hand?
ME: Do I know what, fat-face?

The only highlight of a brutal moving day:

Wife: “That’s way too big to fit in the back door.”

4 people in unison: “That’s what she said!”

Me: Ew, what sort of shop is this? It just sells dead birds?

My cat: Pick out whatever you want, birthday boy. It’s on me.

Friend: wanna do a Boston marathon with me?

Me: is that on Netflix?

Obviously if someone’s in your trunk, the carpool lane is an option.

Marriage is telling your partner they’re wrong but in an optimistic way.

My service cat has walked me into traffic 14 times today.

4AM: *wake up, need to pee* I’m sure if I lay here and ignore it, it’ll go away

5AM: *gives in and gets up to pee so can finally go back to sleep*

5:10AM: *alarm goes off*

hm. i’ve been alive 26 years and I still do not know what you’re supposed to eat for lunch on thanksgiving in order to maximize your dinner enjoyment

Four polite Canadians arrive at a four way stop sign simultaneously.

…The end.

PRIEST: Is there any reason these two shouldn’t be wed?
ME: *from the back* SHE HOLDS ONTO CHECKS FOR MONTHS & THEN CASHES THEM UNEXPECTEDLY