Misery loves company. And from what I can tell, the company she loves is the one where I work.
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My parents bought us candy cigarettes for my 11th birthday party. The store was out of candy syringes.
Please pray for my teen who forgot to jump and touch the doorframe before entering a room today
[1st date]
Him: We share perfect chemistry!
Me: *but all I hear is the word “share” as I create a fortress around my nachos with my hands*
“Coward” should really mean “to move in the direction of a cow”
People only want to do drugs named after women: Mary Jane, Molly, Lucy (in the Sky with Diamonds). No one wants to snort some Craig.
“Are you pro gay?” he asked. “Amateur at best,” I replied
Flying to China to meet my inflatable boyfriend’s parents.
And they lived apathetically ever after.
Negative pregnancy tests, because everyone loves good news on a stick
british people be having sex like:
mmmm yes splendid ah indeed scrumptious carry on good heavens i’m arriving
If you never include your body in your selfies, I am forced to assume that you don’t have one.
Carry on floating head selfie chick.
My parents are pretty middle aged.
“So? That’s pretty norm-”
*two knights bust in*
“CHILD, DOST THOU REQUEST REFRESHMENTS FROM THE TAVERN?”
Me: *airbrushing a wolf howling at the moon among a starry night sky*
Detective: honestly just a chalk outline around the body is fine
Me: my grandfather was George Washington
Date: don’t you mean your great great great great great great grandfather
Me: i mean he was okay
[parole hearing]
OFFICER: are u reformed?
ME: I—
O: go on
M: I th—
O: tell us
M: I’m—
O: yes
M: can I finish my sentence
O: ok parole denied
88% of parenting is begging your kids to blow their nose.
Positive I heard an audible gasp from my car as I drove past the wine store
I keep forgetting my passwords so I changed them all to one that’s super easy for me to remember:
InsufficientFundsContactYourBank00.00
Whenever I get my hair cut I always take a ‘before and after’ photo outside the barber’s shop. Here’s the latest…
I believe the main difference is that one will see you later and the other will see you in awhile. I could be wrong, I’m not a zoologist.
Everybody’s talking about the super obnoxious drunk guy at the bar last night. I was at that same bar and I didn’t even notice him. Weird.
Times I’ve served soup with my ladle: 0
Times I’ve been prevented from opening/closing a drawer by my ladle: 18,971
Toddler in our bed last night; it was like sleeping with an octopus on meth.
Me: What did you do at school today?
4yo: Nothing
M: You must have done something.
4: I don’t remember.
[Bedtime]
M: Goodnight.
4: Wait.
*Spends the next two hours telling me about his day in excruciating detail followed by a philisophical Q&A session*
I don’t need the audio tour at the museum, I have my teen to provide critical commentary the entire time.
Obi-Wan: Ani
Anakin: Ani is a girl name! What can’t you call me something cool, like ‘Kin’?!
Obi-Wan: Use the Force Ki—
A: “ANI” IS FINE
I always skip leg day at the gym. I keep my body proportionate by skipping every other day at the gym as well.
SUMMER BREAK WEEK 1
Kid: Can I have a popsicle for breakfast?
Me: No, absolutely not.
SUMMER BREAK WEEK 2
Kid: Can I have a popsicle for breakfast?
Me: After you eat your real breakfast.
SUMMER BREAK WEEK 3
Kid: What’s for breakfast?
Me: Popsicles.
genie: are you sure?
me: just do it
*my dog winks and gives me a fist bump for the third time*