Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Sorry, but your password must contain an uppercase letter, a number, a haiku, a gang sign, a hieroglyph, and the blood of a virgin.

Signatures are so unserious, just “pinky promise” for adults… write your name in a silly little way on this very important piece of paper so we that we can send you to jail if you do anything wrong

State Farm
Like a good neighbor, stay on your side of the yard, pretend I’m not there, and let’s have as little interaction as possible.

Girl: that’s a fine-tooth comb

Guy: *combing teeth* thanks

I called the fire dept to get my cat out of a tree and they said they don’t do that so I told them them he had a lighter.

Wife: Are you still tweeting about me being in labor?

Me: Now I’m live tweeting “The Walking Dead.”

Wife:

Me: Everything isn’t about you.

my dog when she sees a vacuum: i have no concept of heaven and hell but holy shit you are the devil

I put JIF Peanut butter in the mousetraps and although I didn’t catch any mice I did manage to snag 3 choosy mothers.

I call my office the playoffs because the best performers work longer while the poor performers go home.

“Hi Mr. Holmes, I hear you’re the world’s greatest detective and I’m calling because there’s been a murder… I’m at the 79th annual Butlers Convention… Sherlock? Are you still there?”

[drive thru window]

toddler: can I say hi?

me: aww that’s sweet *rolls down window*

toddler: two milkshakes please

My toddler woke me up last night to tell me it wasn’t morning yet, which to be honest is the same level of hard hitting journalism cable news provides.

just once i’d like my dog to give me a treat

I once watched a mime choke to death on a street corner and everyone applauded. For a couple of reasons.

Finding a guy to marry who is rich enough to pay off my debt, but not so rich he wants a prenup is, like, so much harder than I anticipated.

I see dead people.

No wait, I take that back.

I see people I want dead.

“Nine Foods You Should Never Eat Again”

Also known as the contents of my refrigerator.

[Invention of the airplane]

Wilbur: We’re ready

Orville: I’m still skeptical about this working

Wilbur: Hey, do you want to fight the moon or not?

Orville: *angrily making a fist* Let’s go

Received some very disappointing news today

Ruffles? Oh you mean the corduroy chips?

You want me to turn around. The thing that led to a total eclipse of the heart

nothing is funny anymore becuase nothing is normal anymore. i saw a pigeon on the subway today and thought “how did a pigeon make $2.75”

Got a couple of real nice piles of dog shit on your lawn there. Sure would be a shame if something was to… you know, “happen” to them.

WHY IS USHER ALWAYS SAYING HIS NAME IN HIS SONGS, IS HE A POKEMON?

My sisters a doctor and she’s always on call. She’s an oncologist.

NAZI: I’m a Nazi
MEDIA: How controversial
NAZI: I said I was a Nazi
MEDIA: Your clothes are beautifully tailored

Raccoons use their hands more than any animal, so they’re basically the Italians of nature.

Today, my 3 year-old yelled at me because I forgot to close the fridge, then reminded me to turn off the kitchen light.

He just needs to fall asleep during a movie and his transformation into me would be complete.

I backed my car into my husband’s car once when we were dating and for 25 years he’s not parked behind me.

Nah nah nah nah nah nah nah nah…..