Misery loves company. And from what I can tell, the company she loves is the one where I work.
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North Korea shows that you don’t need religion to be crazy.
[Entering a dark forest]
“Listen. That’s the banshee wailing. One of us may not make it home alive.”
“Keening.”
“What?”
“Banshees keen.”
“You go first.”
“Dammit.”
“Children can be very cruel,” I reassure my 6 year-old. “But sometimes it seems like you aren’t even trying.”
It’s six. Six raccoons. Six raccoons is the amount of raccoons that will make me turn around and walk down a different street. Six.
if u told me 20yrs ago that we’d have a black prez w/ the middle name Hussein, I’d have kept playing w/ my ninja turtles cuz I was 9 in 1993
Seekh Kebab
Not attention
On the 9th day of Christmas my true love sent to me 9 ladies dancing, 8 maids a-milking, 7 swans a-swimming, 6 geese a-laying, 5 GOLD RINGS, 4 calling birds, 3 French hens, 2 turtle doves & a partridge in a pear tree
Hope the dancing hasn’t made the ladies hungry; birds all eaten
writer: ok so a guy and girl named jack and jill
editor: ugh 2 lame white kid names. fine, go on
writer: well, they go up a hill
editor: i’m already bored
writer: to fetch a pail of water
editor: kill me
writer: no trust me it gets better
I know how to share fries even if others do not. I am a bear.
[Driving by a massive pile up]
SON: Look at all the different colours of cars in the crash.
ME: It’s a collidascope.
SON:
WIFE: It’s too early in the day to hate you this much.
Me: *Chants in Latin in a deep, demonic voice while levitating*
My mom: Just ignore him. He’s only doing it for attention. Classic middle child syndrome.
Tragically, I misread her profile. Apparently her favorite position is “reserved cowgirl.”
[roadtrip]
ME: I need a bathroom break
FRIEND: no stops for 2 hours, use that Gatorade bottle
ME: um…ok…now how am I supposed to wipe?
[pretending to be on the phone as guy with clipboard approaches me]
“What do you mean I already do too much for charity?”
booking flights on a phone is crazy. that is a laptop activity
[On couch, notices it’s 6pm]
Luckily I don’t have to pick up the kids from the Christmas party until 8.
*Notices it’s February*
OH SHIT
Seeing my kids getting along, laughing, and peacefully playing together is the best fourteen seconds of my day.
protagonist: tag you’re it
antagonist: no you’re it
pennywise: are you kidding me?
Didn’t get any sleep last night….I spent the entire time wondering where the sun went.
Then it dawned on me.
Me: I used to use baby oil so I’d fry faster in the sun, then of course the eventual peel and tan that followed
Satan: I honestly don’t know where you belong. You’re very insane.
A Tinder style app that helps parents find other parents to drink with
If I had $5 (inflation) every single time an older woman started the “I’m his wife, we’ve been married x amount of years, you can talk to me” fight, I’d have enough money to buy this app and give it it’s old name back.
“Insomnia sure is frustrating” he said wide-awakely.
Things my dating coach and I are working on:
– holding doors open for the ladies
– no karate at the table
– my cursive
– incense sticks are not currency
– drinking milk with only one hand
– not doing jazz hands every time I toot
What kind of adapter do I need for this outlet?
No thanks, Downward dog.
I’m already busy with Downward spiral.
I think it might be my birthday but I deleted my facebook account so I really have no way of knowing.
Try that* in a small town.
*not joining a pyramid scheme run by an ex cheerleader.
Green is just blue that someone peed in
Nobody deserves to look that peaceful sleeping. SLAP.