Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My wife is out of town so I learned how to do laundry who knew clothes didn’t fold themselves?!?

Me: Raising a family is hard.

Necromancer: Not if they’re buried close together.

Me: What?

Necromancer: What?

wife: “no one will remember dont worry”
me: “ok”
[2 mins into my high school reunion]
guy: “yo are you the dude that brought a dog to prom?”

her: *gets on knees*

me: oh yeah

her: *goes down to all fours*

me: oh yeah

her: *bends over backwards, crawls around the room and screeches praises to The Dark One*

me: oh no

Me: what do you want for dinner?

3yo: nothing.

Me: you want cheese on that nothing?

3yo: yes please.

Doctor: “I need to draw some blood.”
Me: “Okay.”
Doctor: “Do you have a red crayon I could borrow?”

I’m at the ‘you fold laundry too loudly’ part of marriage.

[joker voice] one person steals a joke? they’re a joke thief. a scumbag. but a thousand people steal a joke? [smacks lips] that’s a meme

*pulls a tiny monocle out of a jar of peanut butter*
OH GOD WHY

i like the idea of hauntings being a common yet minor inconvenience

If you’re not sure about having kids, have someone say “Mom!” 100 times before 7am & see if it’s right for you.

I just discovered petting my dog counts as steps on my Fitbit. I’m unstoppable now.

BEACH BOYS: 🎶 Wouldn’t it be nice if we were older?
M. NIGHT SHYAMALAN: 🤔

Him: I’m thinking about shaving my beard

Her: Okay

Him: You don’t mind?

Her: Nope

Him: Great

Her: I’m thinking about getting a divorce

Him: You’ve made your point

Before sprinting towards the elevator, ask yourself, “Am I hot enough to make them hold the door?”

[rap battle]

me: i do suck. i do sit in my house and watch youtube videos all day. i do get scared when i hear a loud noise

my opponent: dude i wasn’t going to say any of that shit. are you ok

If Usain Bolt ever becomes a zombie we are all screwed.

“and that’s why you should always put your stuff away” I lecture my kid as we search for the missing candy I ate while she was sleeping

Hospital bills feel like:

Here’s a bill for your Dr, the second Dr that said hi to you, the nurse that showed you where the TV remote was, each person that brought you food, that one tech that removed trash from your room, and the spoon that you ate your jello with.

[whispering to coworker who liked my status about having to put my dog down but never commented] so you like dead dogs do ya meghan?

I’m guessing Scientology would have a lot more followers if they would’ve just come out and said they were pimps right from the start.

ME: Doctor, doctor. I think I’m a pair of curtains.

DOC: Pull yourself together!

*both laughing*

DOC: But seriously, I’m gonna refer you to a therapist cos that shit ain’t right.

“I want to brew beer with my feet but be an archeologist with my hands,” a friend’s 4 y.o. declares. My own career arc was less defined.

I used to have dreams.

Now I have Doritos.

My mom didn’t want me to get hurt playing football, so she made me take theater, and the first thing they told me was to break a leg.

Whoever said “Just showing up is half the battle” (a) didn’t understand battles and (b) probably died quickly after showing up.

Boxing is like a dance, a dance where you punch your dance partner until he doesn’t want to dance anymore.

Once I’ve repeated what I said for the third time, I have to tell my dark family secret:
I come from a long line of mumblers.

Forgot to take off my makeup and woke up looking like Cyndi Lauper from 1983.