Misery loves company.
Company: “I have a boyfriend.”
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I have 12 days until I have to change my password at work and can’tuse any of the last 15 passwords I have used, long story short, I’m going to need a new job.
Them: There’s more to you than meets the eye, isn’t there?
Me: Absolutely not.
[duck is quacking] damn dude that duck is in SERIOUS disrepair [sprays wd-40 into duck mouth] [duck starts chirping like nightingale]
imagine being commissioner Gordon starting out your career with hope then one day there are mutant shark villains and shit spawning every 5 minutes, people are falling in vats of chemicals, you go to a grown man in a bat costume for advice and you’re like why is this my life now.
Vader: I AM your father.
Luke: Why are you telling me this now?
Vader:
Luke:
Vader: I need a kidney.
They were so preoccupied with whether they could, they didn’t stop to think if they should.
My lotion bottle says to use it on areas of irritation, so I slathered it all over my coworker, Deborah.
If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you have extremely good judgement.
A crab has one big arm because that’s the one he uses to bring all the groceries in.
I forgot the term “gait” so I said the horse had a nice swagger.
Smokey the Bear is 100% what kept me from starting forest fires
[seaworld]
“Hey what happened to the new guy?”
-He tried to have sex with
the dolphin in tank 6“But there’s a shark in tan..”
-BINGO!
When a cashier asks me if I found everything I was looking for, I take their hand, look deeply into their eyes and say, “I have now.”
I love Pilates. At my age, you don’t hear, “Lay down and put your legs in the straps” very often.
Me: How much for the snake hamster?
Pet Store Clerk: That’s a ferret
JESUS (hitting snooze): Just three more days.
I live on the edge. I set my coffee on my rounded couch arm.
I’ll never buy an electric guitar. Only gas guitars for me thank you very much.
I was in a gang once. We wore blue, traveled in packs, and ruled our turf with shiny instruments…wait. Band. I was in the marching band.
Mark Strong is Stanley Tucci’s dark twin and we don’t even talk about it.
professor x: whats your superpower?
ostrich: i lay big egg
professor x [telepathically to x-men]: i can save us money on breakfast
ostrich [telepathically]: egg no for sale
My girlfriend keeps asking me how I’m feeling once in a while like I’m fine are you slowly poisoning me?
“wow this rap song is good I wonder who this is”
*waits literally 4 seconds*
“oh there look at that he said his name how convenient”
I always yell “FORE” when I’m throwing golf clubs out of my car at joggers.
My son made the mistake of telling me I was being overdramatic so I just changed the WiFi password.
We’ll see who’s overdramatic in about 2 minutes.
People moaning about the weather at least it’s not snowing. Imagine shovelling snow in this heat.
I tried to be mean once. Worst two minutes of my life.
If Keanu Reeves was marooned on an island by a pirate captain with a loaded musket and a loaf of bread, he’d definitely shoot the bread.
One of my favorite parts of grocery shopping is when somebody else does it for me.
Satan: *to a huge audience* Welcome to the end of days
One guy who hates calendars: Finally