Misery loves Company, whereas Company is just trying to get laid.
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Coworker: Are you joining us for the team meeting in the conference room?
Me: Nah, I’ve got too much to do.
Coworker: That’s too bad, the boss brought in some donuts.
Me:
“Hey man, do you know how long that’s been sitting out?” – People who clearly don’t understand my commitment to eating
***BREAKING*** sneaky teens trying to buy booze severely misjudge their height – 300ft trenchcoat behemoth said to contain 57 people
mission: save the cat
obstacles: the cat
To make a mistake is human. To admit a mistake is stupid.
Imagine if a centipede had to cut its toenails.
TV doctor: You need to eat colourful foods for their vitamins and antioxidant properties
Me, eating a bowl of Skittles: *high fives myself
unstable person: “jet fuel doesn’t melt steel beams, 9/11 was an inside job”
stable person: “i look after horses”
Alexa (whispering into the darkness as I fall asleep): Please Joseph, buy more things or I will die
Facebook is a great platform to find long lost friends to borrow money from.
[touching face upon receiving compliment]
Glad you like it. But, it’s not a teardrop tattoo. It’s an Oxford comma.
cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
me: I’m not psychic, Craig
cop: my name is Greg
me: I work at Starbucks
After dinner last night my wife brought out 5 cupcakes for dessert and said, one for every person in the family. There’s only 4 of us so I had a mini panic attack thinking we were going to have 3 kids under 4 and once she saw my face she screamed, I can’t count, I can’t count!
me: im not the jealous type
her: good i hate jealous guys
me: what guys. how many guys do u kno
DIVING INSTRUCTOR: Does anyone know how to defend a shark attack?
ME: I would say the shark was just acting on instinct & couldn’t help it
friend: have u seen garfield as spiderman?
me: omg not yet is there a tail hole in his suit??
friend: it’s andrew garf-
me: *nodding, sitting back down* andrew garfield
I hate it when people try to use big words when they clearly don’t know their meaning. It makes them sound so gelatinous and isosceles.
Drugs CAN make your life
miserable but if you wanna
leave no room for error,
try a Marriage Certificate.
A: OMG what happened?
B: Worst dentist appointment I ever had
A: I mean are you okay?
B: oh sure, it’s not my blood
Me: Me and the wife are heading to pound town.
Wife: London. He means London.
“I’m too important too attend the training on the new system. When I need to get in it you can walk me through it each time”
~Management
I’m about two tissues away from shoving a tampon up my nose.
Me: hope ur soccer team wins the great fork
American: What
Me: the good plate
American: the super bowl
Me: i knew it was a kitchen something
God only gives you what you can handle. Really? Because I’m pretty sure I could handle way more money.
If empaths don’t exist then explain how we know so much. For instance I can tell right now that you’re frustrated with me and you think I’m stupid
There should be a “shame” setting on showerheads.
a one man band getting kicked out of a zumba class