Misery loves Company, whereas Company is just trying to get laid.
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Whatever you say to someone, do it while slowly landscaping a tiny zen garden to really bring it home.
We were making out on the couch and She’s like “Let’s take this upstairs” I’m like “Ok you grab one side and I’ll grab the other!”
Jesus rose from the grave because he forgot to clear his browser History
“You told me to chill out, not to stop punching the chair.”
– My 6yo reminding his Dad why it’s important to be specific with kids.
Thank you to the army of faceless accounts boosting my content
You look like you come from a long line of restraining orders.
learn just enough tap dancing just to tap dance out of the room when you win an argument
Driving tests should have a portion where a kid in the backseat just pummels you with rapid-fire questions while you try to merge.
I hope the world needs to be saved from the apocalypse with video game skills so my teen’s entire life won’t have been a complete waste.
It turns out if you balance your checkbook when you’re drunk you have a lot more money.
my kids don’t always go to the bathroom but when they do they need to use the same bathroom at the same time, all together
Someone just posted an article on Facebook and said “file this under sad.” WAS I SUPPOSED TO BE FILING EVERYTHING
As a parent on vacation, the absolute dumbest thing you can do is let the kids stay up late, assuming they’ll sleep in. Ask me how I know.
[muffled voice] I love what you’ve done with your trunk.
Every woman has an inbox. She carries it with her just in case she gets male.
Wife: You should’ve written your best man speech
Me: Relax I can freestyle[Wedding]
Me: On Dave and Sarah’s big day, I’d like to
Dave *whispers in my ear*
Me: On Dave and Rebecca’s big day
*kicks the door in*
PEOPLE DESERVE TO BE TREATED WELL AND HAVE THEIR NEEDS MET AND ALSO I’M SORRY ABOUT THE DOOR
and now a text from my mom:
are you okay??? you didn’t like my fb post about making jam, so I got worried
a robot’s eyes change to red when they go evil because they are in love (with murder)
How much credibility is there in that whole “you can punch yourself handsome” theory?
Asking for a friend.
A new rule at the office is if you cry you get sent home. Anyways, I can’t stop crying.
I always smile really big at people in public. Tends to freak them out, out cause I’m not good at putting on lipstick.
“If you build a lasagna, I will come.”
– Garfield of Dreams
Person: *wearing cargo shorts*
Kangaroo: that guy must have a lot of babies.
“Chickfila catering?”
“Yes, sir. How big is your party?”
“Party?”
SON: mommy I’m scared of the bogeyman
ME: there is no bogeyman honey
SON: he’s not real?
ME: oh he’s very real. but I hunted him down years ago
SON:
ME: there was so much blood
SON:
ME: [whispers] his head is in the basement freezer
everyone (crying, begging): please…you cannot be both hot and nice. just pick one
me: no
Nah nah nah nah nah nah nah nah…..
IF I WIN THE LOTTERY MY CATS ARE GETTING GOLD TEETH AND CANOPY BEDS
This morning in my local coffee shop.
Customer: “A large mug with four shots of espresso and the rest filled with milk, please.”
Barista: “Are you sure? That’s a latte coffee!”
#EspressoDay #WednesdayThought #RubbishJokes