Misery loves Company, whereas Company is just trying to get laid.
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Tell me why I had to find out via HGTV house hunters that my OBGYN is searching for a house in Florida bc SHES MOVING???
Review of “grandma”: slow, slow-witted, terrified of technology, can’t bench for shit, no karate, basically racist ★☆☆☆☆
This is meant to give your cat a seat at the table but it could totally be a whack-a-mole game instead
i cannot relate to all these YA main characters that have the focus and determination to complete their little tasks and save the world. after about two weeks when the hyperfixation of it wore of, i’d let the planet die bc i discovered knitting
Why are top brands getting more attention while your unique, innovative ideas stay underrated? Here is some #ThursdayAdwisdom. The truth is that you may be missing out on one of the most fundamental rules of selling – grabbing consumer’s interest. #digitalmarketing
Cute neighbor mows her lawn almost naked, so I sneak over there at night and sprinkle Miracle-Gro all over her yard.. costly but so worth it
I use a wheelchair. When someone asks the person I’m with “What’s her name?” I tell the person I’m with to say “Your guess is as good as mine.”
[first date]
her: so what are you looking for?
me: [hits my head on the table] i dropped a shrimp
My 11yo said if it wasn’t for him I wouldn’t have a twitter account, and I’m just glad he’s finally taking some responsibility.
I always keep a baseball bat under my bed. You know, in case someone breaks in and throws a ball at me.
If chickens ate human eggs we’d probably be in some kind of chicken war.
I don’t wish anyone strife in their relationship but i do wish my neighbors would enunciate a little more when they fight so i can hear better.
“No man is an island.”
– someone with a basic grasp of land forms and human biology
Do one person every day that scares you.
Me: *completing a puzzle* see if the pieces are soggy they fit wherever
The worst part about insomnia is having to eat spiders while conscious
To the guy who invented zero, thanks for nothing
Speaking in rhyme seems perfectly natural for a serial killer, but is quite unnerving when my proctologist does it.
imagining a gas station in the 1800s but it’s guys parking their horses as they eat some grain and the guys complain about the price of the grains
*Learns sign language to keep arguing with boyfriend while giving the silent treatment*
I don’t even care if it’s a scam. Just the thought that a Nigerian prince took the time to write me a personal note has really made my day.
Google “cat”. Tap paw.
– just do it!!
We’re out of milk.
Eh, kids can drink water.We’re out of bread.
PB&J on hot dog buns it is!We’re out of coffee.
WHAT. Get my keys.
airline: you need to pay to check luggage.
passenger: ok i’ll carry it on then.
airline: wow so weird we’re low on overhead space now.
Just got off 30 min phone call w a friend who has twin 2 yr olds, & even tho i havent had sex in a week I’m taking a morning after pill NOW.
called in thicc to work this morning
my wife saw onlyfans on our credit card statement so now I have to get her a ceiling fan for christmas
Interviewer: Name some of your weaknesses.
Me: I procrastinate. Haphazard, cantankerous…
Interviewer: Strengths?
Me: Vocabulary?
bugs bunny: i’m asking lola to marry me, i need a ring
jeweler: how many karats
bugs bunny: however many it takes, my good man, i just love her soo much
mumsnet is amazing
