Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You can’t please me, you’re not the long straight block in Tetris.

“Hi, I’m Rob Thomas for the Organ Donor Association. Give me your heart, make it real or else forget about it.”

The Wicked Witch was only evil because of her awful sex life. Ladies, you’d be pissed off, too, if getting even a little wet would kill you.

[first day on SWAT team]

SWAT #1: The target is inside.
SWAT #2: Let’s break down the door.
ME: I got this… [knocks] “GIRL SCOUT COOKIES!”

<door flies open>

CIA boss: I’ve been informed there is a mole in the office

*gasps*

CIA: I called janitorial but they haven’t found it yet

*laughter*

CIA: also someone in here leaked info

*gasps*

CIA: because tim found out about his surprise bday party

*laughter*

CIA: also someone’s a spy

It’s alright if we’re doing it all wrong. After all, we are the first generation to deal with midlife crisis by staring at our phones.

I worked as a ticket runner during the Oakland Raiders football season. I’d get a text,

“I’m wearing a silver hat, silver jacket; I’m at the bar.”

It was the most challenging game of “Where’s Waldo?” I ever played.

Me: (from the back of the ambulance) CHANGE THE RADIO
Medic: Sir you need to conserve your strength
Me: I AM NOT DYING TO A COLDPLAY SONG

In my opinion it’s the aborted fetus’ fault for not carrying a gun for protection

You know that one guy that lives in that one house across from that black dog not the one but the other one, I see now he’s working at that one place kind of downtown by that other place…

-my wife telling a story

God grant me the audacity of my 7 year old who lost a tooth this morning and then asked me if the tooth fairy would give her a tenner because she yanked it out herself.

Board Member: Sir are you sure you wanna name your new burger restaurant after the time you caught your ex-wife cheating on you?

Five Guys CEO: you heard me

If you’re going to walk a mile in my shoes, please also wear my FitBit.

My swear jar is overflowing with IOUs that no bank will guarantee.

[Wedding day]

Bride: *coming down the aisle* WTF? You’re wearing the same dress as me!?!?

Me: Well THIS is awkward

Priest: *in same dress* Ok. One of us has to change

I put my hair up to wash my face and my son said you look pretty with a messy bun so I straight bought him a car even tho he’s only 11.

If you kill a spider you’re brave but if you kill a person you’re a monster, I’m really tired of these double standards

Instead of getting any work done on my face, I’m just going to pull my hair back into a really tight ponytail.

Pigeon: the distance a pig travels in one eon

[watching Jaws]

Me: Which ones Jaws

Girlfriend: Who do u think?

Me: (noticing all of the characters so far have jaws) Idk its hard 2 tell

Time traveling but it’s just me aging 5 years per every month of my kids life.

You COULD say Twitter is like Group Therapy, however that would imply people are getting better,… and that just doesn’t hold water.

If you want to know what cereal you don’t have ask one of the kids what they want for breakfast.

Forget about my body count. The list of women who *haven’t* slept with me is really impressive

Friend: I grew as a person

Me: Did you molt?

Friend: What?

Me: Is there a dried out slightly smaller husk of you in the basement?

Friend:

Me: Can I see it?

[doing crunches]

Me: get it? ab solution?

Priest: so excommunicated

People keep talking about the new Star Wars trailer. In my day, Star Wars had SPACESHIPS!

I’m going to be an “adult” film star. You’ll pay $12 to watch me struggle to pay bills, cry uncontrollably, and lie awake in bed at night.

Taking a little nap while I wait for the driver in front of me to realize the light has turned green

Not sure who needs to hear this, but a group of porcupines is called a prickle.