Misery loves company,
and apparently that’s why my parents invite me over every Thanksgiving weekend.
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I think this is my favorite scene in a movie
Me trying to figure out if this cantaloupe is ripe
Disney can’t even make a dragon without it looking exactly like Elsa
I have Tourettes syndrome, but instead of swearing, I yell out movies that Nicolas Cage has been in
Anyone that breaks up with me gets followed around by a gang of feral raccoons with tiny signs that say “Really?” and “Seriously dude?” for at least, a month.
astronauts be acting like they’re so cool, as if we didn’t know at least 60 dogs and monkeys went to space before them
6: Dad, let’s make a deal. Let me be in charge of everything, and I’ll let you have 10 coffees a day, also you can have…
Me: Sold!
I work hard.
I play hard.
I do the groceries hard.
I cook hard.
I read hard.
I laugh hard.
I watch tv hard.– Viagra addict
I’m going to make a secret pornography organization called The Illuminaughty.
[police lineup]
Cop: Number 3, say, “Gimme your purse, you old hag.”
Me: You’ve got it wrong. I said “old woman,” not “old hag.”
Me: So then, He-Man & Skeletor come to terms with their feelings and make out.
Priest: Again, writing fan fiction isn’t necessarily a sin
i like dropping off a tweet to FB & watch as everyone cautiously forms a circle around it, looking confused while prodding it with a stick.
I’ve eaten so much Easter candy..that at this point I’m positive i’m ovulating Reese’s eggs.
I was passing by, and I saw this guy in the bush shouting “Help, snake help”
I just laughed because I knew the snake wasn’t going to help him “
Husband: so you know it’s ok to admit that you’re wrong sometimes.
Me: I’m not saying I’m wrong but I could have been more right.
Hey kids, please don’t wash the 13 glasses you’ve already left in the sink. Just grab a clean one next time you’re thirsty.
Cool puppy. What’s his name?
“Patches”
Aww, that’s a cute name. Because he has those spots?
“Nah…it’s cause he’s trying to quit smoking”
I started drinking more water and now all my workouts consist of walking back and forth to the bathroom.
Here’s one of the dumbest thoughts I’ve ever had: I got a coupon for a new car wash place, which was great because my car was really dirty. I noticed that the address was close to my house and thought: “Oh, this is close. Maybe I can just walk?”
“I set all the cattle free.”
– Reverse Cowgirl
The courtroom I’m in this morning is astonishingly relaxed, and the judge looks like a kid cosplaying as a judge. Doogie Howser, J.D.
my (38F) identical twin daughters (11F) met at summer camp and have unionized
Sex so good you forget you’re married…to each other.
[DUI checkpoint]
Cop: I’m gonna need you to follow my finger
Me: As long as it doesn’t tweet inspirational stuff
Who called it a condom and not a weenie beanie?
How about we constantly commit crimes against each other, but you know, also like, buy lots of each other’s goods?
~ all countries
I think those 5G masts are emitting invisible waves that make people more susceptible to conspiracy theories.
Can makeup companies just admit that they’ve run out of words to market mascara? Lashblast full effect endless wonder lengthening spider scandal volumizing ultra curved stiletto black fantasy mega-colossal stiletto stapler gondola tractor zoo crime salad steamboat tick chart