“Misinformation” oh you mean lies, just say that
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*lights low
*her fingers tracing a scar on my arm
Her: How’d you get this?
Me: *softly I whisper* Are you familiar with Scrapbooking?
Dracula had it right, sleep all day, live alone in a castle & explode into a thousand bats to get out of social situations.
“dom or sub?”
subway but dominos isn’t bad on occasion
The dinosaurs’ extinction is even sadder if you picture a t-rex desperately trying to wave to warn everybody but nobody can see it.
Teacher: *carrying basket full of massive fruit* good morning, class. Today we will be working in pears
The worst thing just happened. I won’t recover. I just reached into a box of free samples outside a chicken restaurant. Only it wasn’t free samples. It was a man. Holding a box of chicken. His chicken. I tried to steal this man’s chicken.
Decided to use the classic celebrity break up picture torn in half method to announce that my cat no longer likes these treats.
*buries Oreos throughout the house in preparation for the long, hard winter ahead.
kids are so chill, they never force you to eat vegetables, like their adult counterparts
Me typing: univrsity
Autocorrect: Hey I caught a typo.
Me: Haha oops.
Autocorrect: You meant to say “U never city”
Me: Why would I say that?
Autocorrect: I fixed it and sent it to your dad.
Welcome to anxiety club, I really hope more people show up. Maybe there was a terrible accident and everyone that was coming is now dead
“we want grandchildren” sorry hope you like podcasts
I’m using my husband’s phone today because mine is broken and he has his font so small I think only ants can read it.
My dad and I both have a gift for figuring out who the villain is in super hero movies we’ve already watched
If you’re a doctor, don’t look up from my lab results and just say, “Six months,” when you mean, “COME BACK in six months.”
I like ordering delivery pizza from two different locations as a race. I prize myself as the winner with two pizzas.
When I was at the Dollar Store, I saw this cat food called “Alley Cat” and all I could think was with a name like that why not save yourself a buck and just feed your cat out of the trashcan?
Sitting next to a priest on my flight. I sneeze. I’m waiting for him to say “Bless you.” Nothing. I guess it’s his day off?
Customer: oh hey, I almost ran you over in the parking lot lmao
Me: what stopped you
I just pooped my pants in the elevator. I’m taking this shit to a whole nother level.
Breaking news:
The way I dealt with that unexpected cobweb to the face tells me I probably wouldn’t have been much use in Vietnam.
DANNY OCEAN: I’m putting together a crew for the biggest job ever and I need you
ME: *wiping off a giant milk moustache* I am 100% sure you have the wrong person but I’m in
Props to the guy who numbered combo meals. Ordering a number four combo meal sounds a lot better than ordering a double quarter pounder meal
Where have you been all my life?
Can you go back there?
Me: *lifts couch cushion*
6yo: what are you looking for?
Me: six thousand dollars
are there any atheist mantises?
Your windows aren’t that tinted that I can’t still see you picking your nose.
Wife: We hid 60 chocolate eggs right?
Me: Yes. I already “found” 5 though.
SCIENCE TEACHER: What’s the loudest noise in the world?
“Volcanic eruption”
“An explosion”
“An earthquake”ME: Trying to open snacks you don’t want to share