“Misinformation” oh you mean lies, just say that
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Imagine you get murdered and some girl skips your episode of forensic files because it’s boring.
[first date]
me [im a goat]: u gonna eat that dress?
date [also a goat]: yes
Her: Does that dog actually play chess?
Me: He’s not so smart. I beat him 2 games out of 3.
*Dog Barks
Me: Alright, 1 game out of 3.
I love being single and independent but my wife says I’m not allowed
EXECUTIVE: this ones not about murder is it
STEPHEN KING: its about children
E: ok
SK: in corn
E: thats nice
SK:who murder
E: dammit Stephen
Imagine meeting the man of your dreams…
and he says, “prolly.”
The most elusive of all creatures is the camo camo camo camo camo chameleon
I am the boss of me. And my wife is my boss’s boss.
[At bar]
Me: As a joke, I’m gonna pee my pants
Wife: Seriously? You’re a married man now
M: Right…sorry. I’m gonna pee “our” pants#BT140
SON: Daddy, I keep hearing noises from my closet. I think a monster’s in there.
ME: Yeah, why do you think mom and I chose the other room?
amazon: your package is in your mailbox 🙂
me: it is not
amazon: we delivered to your mailbox already 🙂
me: i ordered a microwave it is not in my mailbox
amazon: maybe you’re looking in the wrong one?
me: that isn’t possible
amazon: put your f*****g glasses on dipshit :))
[first time golfing]
caddy: which club would you like sir
me: do you have turkey
I’m a 4 in America, but in Germany I’m a solid nein.
The worst thing about a Dyson cordless is that you can only vacuum for 15 minutes before the battery dies.
The best thing about a Dyson cordless is that you can only vacuum for 15 minutes before the battery dies.
Her: I like the man-horsey in this film. He’s hot.
Me: Centaur.
H: What?
M: Centaur
H: Is that his name?
M: I want a divorce.
I do not envy the youth. Imagine starting college in the year 2022: you’re totally pumped, can’t wait for the best 4 years of your life, and then you find out….your roommate is really into crypto.
My gf wouldn’t see the last Batman movie with me until we’d had our eighth restaurant date
Dinner, Dinner, Dinner, Dinner, Dinner, Dinner, Dinner, Dinner, Batman
My electric kettle got broken so I had to make tea using my acoustic kettle.
Welcome to your 50s. You can now pull a muscle peeling boiled eggs.
Me, adding fuel to the fire: I’m just here to help
So a baby crawls across the floor to its bottle and it’s cute but when I do it I’m “in need of an intervention”?
HBO gave me unrealistic expectations about how many women would be named Siobhan
*pulls out 50 inch TV*
What? It’s really a phone.
Are you supposed to wear your Fitbit in the shower? I’m looking to break this thing as quickly as possible and need advice.
[home depot]
ME: do you have marble counters?
CLERK: sure, in the back of aisle 9
ME: oh thank god [carrying 2 huge buckets of marbles] I keep losing count around 1,000
My 8yo wants to make her tween sister’s birthday cake. My tween is mad because she wants to make her own cake. I suggested she have 2 birthday cakes and now everyone is upset.
Apparently the solution to all life’s problems is not more cake.
Sheep
[god creating raccoons]
Angel: what do I do with all the leftover tiny people hands?
God: hand me those cats.
I treat going to a therapist like going to a mechanic. “So, It’s been making some odd sounds and I’m sure it’s on the verge of a breakdown.”