Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

being an adult is just complaining how tired you are and then staying up till 3am reading r/aita

typing in the same password a third time but more powerfully

[job interview for psychic]

INTERVIEWER: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?

ME: Well played.

Vampire walks into a grocery store and asks for a loaf of bread. The clerk looks at him and asks: “Why bread?” The vampire says: “There’s a huge car crash at the intersection. I want to dip.’

ME: My favorite movies are “Batman” and “Annie” because I love rich orphans who can punch real hard.
THERAPIST: Wow yeah okay, that more than enough to start with…

Sometimes you need to give someone a second chance, those are the times there are no stairs around to push them down

I gotta go guys. I just found out my lunch break isn’t 6 hours long.

I’ve been repeating the same mistakes in life for so long now I may as well call them traditions.

Please, keep trying unsuccessfully to suck the snot back up in your nose instead of using a tissue. Everyone loves the noise you’re making.

good work, detective

kidnapper: [putting more duct tape over my mouth] i said stop eating it

I totally get your eyebrows.

My bank account is overdrawn, too.

i cannot say the word synonym without sounding drunk.

(from the bottom of a well) is this the trap

Home is where the heart is, and hopefully it’s where all of the other vital organs reside too.

making my dog give me my pills

Jesus: One among you will betray me.
John: No way dude.
Matthew: No way dude.
Judas: *thumbing through designer cross catalogue* Plausible.

Just once I’d like to buy a house plant that didn’t have the lifespan of a soap bubble.

Do people lifting with their knees and backs know about using their hands?

If you’re charging me $15 for apple cider at a hayride it better contain enough booze to enable me to see a headless horseman.

kidnapper: [opens trunk] get up

me: ʲᵘˢᵗ ⁵ ᵐᵒʳᵉ ᵐᶦⁿᵘᵗᵉˢ

Men what’s stopping you from dressing like ’80s horror movie hunks

Me: A psychiatrist? That’s silly. There’s no such thing as “too obsessed with bagels.”

Her: Says who?

Me: Sesame

me: how much gas do i have?
car: empty.
me: ok but HOW empty?

Unicorn
(ꪀ.) A single piece of corn.

“It’s all smoke and mirrors” he said, describing his various drug habits.

I ate a chocolate bar in bed last night & my wife said, “you have a problem” so I replied, “no, you have a problem; I have a chocolate bar.”

99 out of 100 Planet F1tness employees don’t give a fuck. You could smoke a brisket in the locker room, they’re just gonna ride out their shift. That one percent tho…

I put my baby on the baby changing station in the bathroom and when I was done, it was the same baby. 🙁