Misinterpreted some rabbit prints in the snow and told my scout troop to look out for babies running at 35mph.
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If true crime podcasts have taught me anything, it’s that serial killers are often described as: charismatic, grandiose, mobile, antisocial and sometimes can be known to live off the grid….
Yeah, I’m looking at you, Santa.
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
I’m in a High Occupancy lane
Cop: Yes…wait IS THAT A JOINT?
Yeah I’m HIGH lol
Cop: My bad, free to go
I woke up with tons of motivation to go back to sleep.
It would be cool if a jar of Nutella had more than one serving in it…
learn from a vacuum cleaner, don’t work beyond the limit of your cord…
Just texted my brother to see how his fantasy football went today but it autocorrected to “what’s your fantasy” and now it seems we are closer than ever
Texted Mom a question & she didn’t answer right away. I’m going to send 4 more texts & 3 voicemails to give her a taste of her own medicine.
With all the ghosting these days you’d think there’d be more documented ectoplasmic incidents.
The funk soul brother
Remember when parents said “I’ll give you something to cry about” & were scared they’d hit us but they destroyed the housing market instead?
End a boring conversation by opening an umbrella in their face
Slugs keep eating my plants so I’ve moved them into the house. If we’re living together they might have second thoughts about eating my plants.
I hate it when I get really drunk and start to say a bunch of things that I mean
If you think your life is awful my mom keeps track of my “cycle” and just told me that I’m ovulating and that I should mingle more.
We’ve now reached the match the lid to the storage container portion of this year’s Thanksgiving feast
“That’s what” – She
Theravada Monks purge all their earthly possessions to express their faith and pursue spiritual stillness of mind. I did it because fleas.
friend: wanna see a magic trick
person who got cursed by a donkey wizard yesterday: no thank you
My dad said it’s important to carry a compass when I go hiking, in case I ever get lost. I have no idea how drawing perfect circles will help, but I’m not one to question authority.
I’m wearing black with navy blue today. Fight me. Any bruising will only serve to tie it all together.
LIFE HACK: Tired of the neighbors’ noisy kids playing in front of your house? Sign up for the sex offender registry
JUDGE: So to be clear, you’re pleading not guilty to stealing the child’s shoes?
ME: [heelies up to the mic] That’s correct
I asked the waitress for a quickie and she slapped me. The old woman next to me said, “It’s pronounced ‘quiche’, dear.”
If Minnie Driver married Bradley Cooper her name would be oh god I can’t even finish this one
I’m pretty anal when it comes to organizing my house.
Like how I slid in “anal”?
Like how I said “slid in anal”?
There’s a new trend in China where people make and eat spiceless “white people lunch”, as form of self torture.
And their commentary has me crying 😭
I just found a little piece of waffle in my pocket in the event you’re attracted to mysterious men
Sex is great but have you ever told some dude that there wasn’t enough room for the two of you on a very large floating door after your ship sank to the bottom of the ocean on it’s maiden voyage?
Discovered there’s a Bermuda Triangle in our house where all the cups and dishes go missing. Have renamed it “13yo’s Bedroom.”
Every work meeting this week
