Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

911: what is your emergency
ME: there’s a fly in my house
911: hang tight sir we’re sending a swat team now

NORMALIZE WORKPLACE HAMMOCKS

Her: “Is that you in your avi?”

Me: “No, it’s a picture of me.”

Where did you come from
Where did you go
Where did you come from
Pokémon Go

Just once, I’d like to see a judge take the verdict slip from the jury, look at it, and then turn and say,

ARE YOU SHIT’N ME?

My husband excused himself from the table to take a work call. What’s the official waiting period on stealing his fries?

[ First day as a British comedy account ]

I sure do love those chocolate chip *checks writing on hand* biscuits? That can’t be right.

The 7 dwarfs of allergy season…

Sniffy, Sneezy, Stuffy, Wheezy, Runny, Itchy, and Dopey.

[Pitching my idea]
HEAD WRITER [sighing] This isn’t just the plot of Ratatouille again, is it?
ME: Excuse me, I do have other ideas

[Painfully long pause]

ME: So there’s this badger that loves cooking

When you call home on a holiday and get passed around, it’s worse than being included on a group text.

If someone offers you nuts by asking “Cashews?” and you don’t answer “God bless you” they will take away your dad card.

kid: whats the meaning of life?

me: life is like a bag of Doritos, when you get to a point where you think youve had enough, you notice there isnt much left in the bag, so you just power through to the end

kid: where do babies come from?

me: babies are like a bag of Doritos…

Going down a rabbit hole if anyone wants anything

Dracula: *transforms into a bat*

Me: OMG flappy sky puppy come here there is a blanket and I’ve got the brushybrushy for you do you want the brushybrushy

Dracula:

Me:

Dracula:

Me:

Dracula: *tiny voice* yes

I dunno but if I was a “doctor to the stars” I sure wouldn’t be bragging about it these days

353 days a year folks are like “Does anyone still use libraries?”
On national holidays they’re all “WE NEED TO USE THE LIBRARY RIGHT NOW RIGHT NOW”

ME: I was having a juice cleanse between 6 & 8 p.m
COP: You don’t need an alibi, you’re not a suspect
ME: I know, I’m just telling everyone

My life is like that Rihanna song :work, work and work, and then I don’t understand anything else.

Me: *eating a cinnamon roll*

3yo: Mommy, I want you to share like a good girl. Sharing is a good thing. *proceeds to take a bite of my food*

establish dominance over your significant other by addressing birthday and valentine’s day cards as ‘to whom it may concern’

[dad accidentally steps on the dog]
I’m sorry girl, I didn’t see you. Are you ok?

[dad accidentally steps on me]
Why are you on the floor?!

fedex left me a note that they missed me, which is so sweet cause I miss u too, u bunch of box-destroying psychopaths

DAD: Look at this mess! Are you trying to attract ants?

ME: [bench pressing 10x my weight] Did they say something?

Whenever there’s a bee trapped inside my house, I always open all the doors and windows so all the other bees can join it and it doesn’t die alone.

“911, what’s the emergency?”

we were robbed. they stole the wireless router

“calm down”

also they shot my grandma or something. not sure

i’m sorry this is an insane national puppy day brand interaction

Him: I’m gonna throw you over my shoulder, carry you into the bedroom, toss you onto the bed, and have my way with you…

Me: Ok but on the way to the bedroom, can we swing by the fridge?

My 4 YO pointed out that we put socks on during the day and take them off at night and that means our feet are nocturnal

[using Ouija Board]

“Will i ever find true love–”
“NEW GHOST WHO DIS”

*watches Beauty and the Beast*

*looks at dirty dishes in sink*

WASH YOURSELVES AND SING TO ME!