Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

GOP in 2008: Obama is Hitler!
GOP in 2012: Obama is Hitler!
GOP in 2016: Ok Hitler actually had some cool ideas

Fit Bit: ‘Keep going!’

Recliner: ‘Trust your feelings.’

Xylophonist Shredding It

My grandma used to tell me that video games were bad for me while she drank her gin in a cloud of unfiltered cigarette smoke in her home that was made solely out of asbestos.

We told Grandpa that we were worried about him being quarantined alone with his bad hip and failing eyesight, but he told us not to worry because he’d gotten himself a dog.

Me: [takes bite of PBJ sandwich]

6yo: Mommmm! Don’t eat my lunch!

Me: [giggles] I’m just testing it first to make sure there’s no poison!

6yo: yeah ri-

Me: [collapses]

retweet this to electronically sign my petition to ban windmills worldwide . we’ve had enough bird casualties . and for what ?more wind ?

I could never be a critic of any description because even if I hate a film or book I have the overwhelming urge to try and be nice about it, e.g: “The plot was incomprehensible and the characters loathsome, but I’m sure everyone involved worked very hard so well done. 5/5.”

Someone told me they had beef with me and I got pissed off that it wasn’t a brisket

Deep down, we’re all that one lady in 7-11 with her bathrobe on.

Me: Well, this calls for a celebration *cracks open beer*

Wife: …you took out the trash

I’m awake but I object,

me: i love pillow talk

pillow: hello

me: what the hell

do you think when Lightning McQueen threw the Piston cup to drive The King over the finish line a Honda Civic somewhere was destroying his living room after losing $10,000 on his parlay

A man of commitment.

Evolution sometimes moves forward due to tiny differences making one species less competitive

For instance T-rex died out bc, lacking selfie sticks, their instagram feeds were less effective

Me: why aren’t you eating your peas?

5: sometimes kids just don’t want peas, you wouldn’t understand

“This is the funniest video on the internet right now”

Me: Sees Video

Me: Checks Internet

I was cleaning one of my finger guns and accidentally blew a hole through my air guitar.

A fun thing to do is sit on the couch with black buttons over your eyes while your kids watch Coraline, then wait for them to notice.

[son on his wedding day] dad what’s the best part of marriage?
[thinking about how there’s always bananas in the house] her smile

I taught the baby to say “help” instead of just yelling and now she says help like a Southern belle with the vapors

If someone catches me staring I quickly look to my left & right so they think “oh that girl’s not looking at ME she’s looking at EVERYTHING”

[pet shop]
me: excuse me, do u work here?

hamster: no

I failed at chemistry in high school…

And finally started dating in college.

Me: Yes, I’d like the Mexican massage.
Masseuse: The what?
Me: *hands him taco seasoning and sour cream*
Masseuse:
Me: Let’s go, chop chop.

“My grammar is terrible,” I said untruthfully, as I lied on the bed.

When singers at concerts hold out the mic for the audience to sing, it’s like what am i, your maid

I want negative calorie credit for all the junk food I pass up. Didn’t eat that cookie? That’s -150 calories.

I’m smart but not “figure out how to turn off all the lights in this hotel room” smart