Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I was supposed to be taller, but I made it up with width for the sake of Geometry.

The cable company told me they would send a guy out and I need to be home between the hours of 1pm and 2014.

Met a drunk girl earlier who had a “half therapy dog” bc it had gone through part of the therapy dog training and then just decided to become a regular dog

Ferrari squats

Laziness is nothing more than the habit of resting before you get tired.

*Takes out phone & plays Cindi Lauper’s True Colors as you reach for the last slice of pizza without asking*

[Listening to Natalie Imbruglia’s ‘Torn’ while warm, unashamed, standing fully clothed on the ceiling] I can’t relate to this

Note to self: Never choose a company name that ends in a verb.

WHY DO BUGS KEEP FLYING AROUND YOU WHEN YOU ARE CLEARLY TRYING TO KILL THEM

[the invention of tennis]

“I don’t want this ball.”

“Well, I don’t want it either.”

[restaurant owners meeting]
“we should start asking customers if they’ve been here before”
why though?
“absolutely no reason at all”
ok deal

My issue with Jeopardy is that you never get the sense that the contestants are in any real danger

For a place called a “holding cell” people sure hate to cuddle.

I don’t drink water anymore, not after what it did to the Grand Canyon

Strangers have the best candy.

My wife is mocking me because I declared that going to the grocery store was a date night

My teen says she is not able to wake up before 10 AM, so I’m going to make the most of this time…blow dry my hair, vacuum her room, test the foghorn.

Told the assistant at the eye doctor’s I thought my eyes got worse, but they haven’t. My glasses were dirty.

The worst part about being drunk and seeing double is when you realize it’s just one slice of pizza

MGM lion got me again. nearly threw my popcorn across the room

It’s a painting of dogs playing poker because cats would’ve just knocked all the cards off the table.

*shaking head* I can’t tell which news stories are real or are April Fool’s Day pranks. I mean, you could say “Aliens have landed & have demanded to talk to the whales” & I’d just think “So 2022.”

“Sir, you cannot return your friend.”

But she got me a shitty gift.

“You can return the gift. Not the friend.”

Well that’s a dumb policy.

Dog: can i eat this?

Me: no i was just-

Dog: [swallowing] thanks

ME: Thanks for seeing me. Whenever I asked my father for help with these issues he’d just ask me if I tried sucking less.

THERAPIST: That’s horrible.

ME: Yeah.

THERAPIST:

ME:

THERAPIST: Have— *clears throat* have you tried that though?

I feel the need, the need for tweed.

– Professors at Top Gun

GENIE: you have three wishes
ME: wow ok gimme a second
GENIE: done
ME: wait
GENIE: sure if that’s your wish
ME: be quiet
GENIE:
ME: damn

Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person says: hi

me putting things at the top of cabinet is top tier self hatred

That feeling of unadulterated smugness that comes when you get the daily Wordle in fewer attempts than the rest of your family