Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

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While a big fan overall, I always found the Chipmunks’ instrumental songs sort of pointless.

Me: so what’s your skincare routine like? your skin is practically glowing
Edward Cullen: it’s actually just this new diet i’ve been on

Wife: People are coming over tomorrow

Me: We should clean today

Wife: And keep the house clean for 24 hours?

Me: We should clean tomorrow

Jack and Jill went up the hill to catch the first flight off of this planet.

[birth of Jesus]

First Wise Man: Here is some frankincense

Second Wise Man: Got you some myrrh

Third Wise Man: This is gold

First Two Wise Men: Hey, we agreed on a spending limit

ME: u know what they say, drink with one eye open
WIFE: they don’t say that, you’re drunk
ME: *closes other eye* it is very dark in here

I saw a product for cars today called “Rapid Odor Removal,” and everyone who buys it should be put on an FBI watchlist.

If Liam Neeson keeps starring in the same film pretty soon he’s going to be Taken 4: Granted

Our Alexa flashes every time we get an Amazon delivery, which is why there are 200 teens at the door thinking we’re throwing a rave.

The only French I know are words for food items and the chorus of Lady Marmelade. Turns out that’s all you really need.

dr pepper just lost her medical license. 😔 now she’s just ms pepper. 😂 bet you thought i was going to say mr pepper! 😒 no. ✋🛑 dr pepper has been a woman this whole time. 😜 unlearn your internal biases!👩‍⚕️ she lost her license for throwing a baby in the trash ⛹️‍♀️👶

reverse girlcow, because i’m drunk.

I was binging Friends with my 14yo and there was a cliffhanger episode and I mentioned that we used to have to wait a week to find out what happened and she looked at me like I just told her we had no running water.

The Job Interview:

HR: So you are bilingual?

Me: Si

HR: In your native tongue please.

Me: Ooga Booga

Maybe i’m not naked, maybe my pants are just invisible?

Yes, people avoid me, but I’m sure it’s because they’re jealous of my wonderful snakes

Women in movies look so beautiful when they sleep. Meanwhile I’m tossing and turning all night like a forgotten 7-Eleven hot dog.

4: Did you just shower?? Your hair looks so pretty!

Me: Awwww, thank y—

4: It looks like a bug

Me:

When people are trending on twitter, I know that they died or said something racist.

I was having a political fight with someone on Twitter while my dog was out back barking at the wind.

Then we switched.

What base is it when he says, “Stop calling me. We broke up three years ago”?

Stages of going to bed:

1. I won’t stay up too late.
2. Oh no.

My parents are hosting 10 people on Thanksgiving so naturally my dad is outside making sure there is not one single leaf on the lawn.

I find it hilarious that this ant is pretending like he doesn’t care that I can kill him with one finger. Yea okay, keep walking tough guy.

If cooking blogs were tweets:

Here’s how to make really easy sugar cookies!

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Protip: When an office says it’s paperless, it usually does not include the restrooms.

My 5yo: WHY DID I NOT GO TO THE FUNERAL?
Me: Well, you would have had to be quiet for an hour.
5: HAHAHAHAHAHAHA. I AM REALLY NOT GOOD AT THAT.

Me: I have a million things to get done before Christmas

Also me: now seems like the perfect time to learn origami

motorcycle cop who arrested me: hop on.