Misread the movie guide and thought the movie about to start was Allen vs Predator, and I was like, “you got this, Allen.”
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[Airport terminal]
*waits at baggage claim area*
*an entire roast pig emerges on the carousel*
*I check the tag to make sure it’s mine*
Before I go out binge drinking I always eat a stick of butter. It doesn’t do anything I just make really poor life choices.
ME: Why can’t I sleep?
CUP OF COFFEE FROM 4 PM: I’ve put together a list of everyone who might be mad at you.
Rachel Ray now makes cat food with real beef just like the cows my cat would eat in the wild.
If you’re boarding first, dress casually. It’s no good unless everyone at the gate is surprised.
A lot of infant toys promise to improve motor skills, yet I’ve never seen a baby work on a car.
I’m into the “girl next door” type. Until the restraining order takes effect and I have to move.
Then I’m into the “cute, angry girl that’s always 50ft away from me” type.
“you’re the biggest narcissist i’ve ever encountered!”
why are you making this about you?
Admit it, no one really knows how to use the memory function on a calculator. We’re all just too embarrassed to ask now.
Soo… I guess when he asked for my number he didn’t mean how many lovers I’ve had?
You say tired, I say challenge.
-A toddler at bedtime.
Him: Are you always this socially awkward?
Me: Only when I’m in my human form.
Him: So always.
Phone
Me: I can’t. I can’t THINK right now. I CAN’T. Too exhausted.
Person: But if you could just—
Me: LISTEN to me. LISTEN. I CAN’T. No higher brain function. Stop asking. Too tired to think. Stop making words to me
Me: Why is Amazon showing me this?
Amazon: It’s 15% off.
Me: Well, in that case…
SO SPEAKETH THE OUIJA BOARD, “N E W N U M B E R W H O I S T H I S”
Questions about some hypothetical situations.
– Are there any special laws against people who forget to feed their guinea pig?
– Do guinea pigs have vengeful ghosts?
day 1 of quarantine: i have stockpiled 1200 tubes of yogurt
day 2 of quarantine: my kids have just finished the last of the yogurt
[halloween]
ME: nice costume. casanova?
HIM: guy fawkes
ME: {high-fiving} hell yeah he does
If I was a princess I’d wanna be rapunzel so I could get locked in a tower and get my hair pulled.
Colleague: want some popcorn? Keeps you young and beautiful like me
Me: Really? Looks to me you should’ve been eating a hell of a lot more
If I had to pick a favorite Rocky movie, it’d be Rocky IV. I’ve never seen it but I hear Creed dies in that one & I really hate their music.
My parents told me as a kid that R&B stood for ribbons and bows so when I heard Barry White in their bedroom I left them alone to do crafts.
If you immediately tell new people you meet you’re allergic to chocolate, you can eat all of their candy bars when they aren’t looking.
*jogging*
Me: *out of breath* go on I’ll catch up
Him: *turns around to see me eating a can of cherry pie filling*
*walking away from the big rap battle*
“How did he know that I’m lactose intolerant?”
Nobody:
Nobody:
Nobody:
Nobody:
Me: ahhh my severed head collection is coming along nicely
I used to feel sorry for people eating lunch by themselves but now I feel sorry for the people eating lunch with other people.
I just dusted like 4 years ago this is bullshit
[first day at mcdonalds]
guy: can i get a large fry
me: you mean like a potato
Whenever I feel guilty about buying another book, I like to remind myself that I just purchased 1-5 years of that person’s life for 26 dollars.