Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I lost my cool when I had to click on a heart three times before it would stick.

I’d probably make a lousy paramedic.

People who clap when the plane lands don’t aim particularly high do they?

people keep asking my pregnant ass what my cravings are. when you ask me that question my craving becomes a gun and a double shot of whiskey

I melted down all my various rewards cards into a universal “Rewards Dagger” that gets me a discount everywhere.

if i got pregnant i would simply hold it in

Name’s Bond. James Bond. *Drinks martini* Jame’s Bond. Names Bond. *drinks another martini* Bame’s Jond. *Drinks 1 more* THIS IS MY SONG WOO

Condoms are not biodegradable
Condoms are not biodegradable
Condoms are not biodegradable
Condoms are not biodegradable
Condoms are not biodegradable

if you care about the planet have unprotected sex!

“this too shall pass” okay but like… when exactly

Barbecues are just a theatrical way of letting your neighbours know you’re going to be eating 2 hours later than planned

lost my job at Red Lobster for saying crabsolutely too much

I thought I’d buy all my scratch off lottery tickets at the busiest gas station in town. What? Oh no I don’t know which ones I’ll pick them out when i get to the register

Mom: Time to wake updog.
Son: *groggily* What’s updog?
Mom: Just waking you up for school, dog, what’s up wit u?
Dad (from hallway): OWNED

maybe i don’t ACTUALLY like bad boys im just really into alliteration

Never turn your back while kids are in the bath.

Drown shmown!
Those punks are gonna dump a whole bottle of shampoo in for mega bubble bath

90% of my social interaction is just wondering what to do with my arms

When I asked for some alone time, I didn’t mean when I was bringing in the groceries.

I’m praying for you…

So if a bird shits on your car right after you wash it…

That’s from me

This weekend, I’m taking an Uber to visit my parents, and then tipping extra so the driver does the visiting for me while I wait in the car. With the savings on my therapy bill, it should all balance out.

I figure soon we will be grounding our children by sending them outside to play

Girlfriend, catching my gaze: What are you thinking?

Me [still furiously trying to work out why the frog in Frogger dies when it goes in water, and why the Flintstones celebrated Christmas]: Just how right everything feels when I’m with you.

HER: let’s be open about how we really feel. I’ll go first I love you.

ME: Ok well… I really, really, don’t want Naruto to end

HER: wtf?

Me: Wow, this one’s super dirty. I’m going to leave it to soak

Wife: That’s our daughter and no you’re not

If your husband tells you you’re being too dramatic don’t forget to bow when you thank him.

it’s funny they call them “unidentified flying objects”. I could identify them right away. those are ufos

If I were a rapper I’d write a lyric like “Get money, make cupcakes. Must be winter ‘cuz I be frosting,” and my pseudonym would be One-Zee.

You ever drive around with an old person who knows where everything didn’t used to be?

A list of fun place names to ask an American to say:

-Worcestershire
-Leicestershire
-Gloucester
-Edinburgh
-Loughborough
-Southwark
-Marylebone
-Reading
-Cholmondeley
-Towcester
-Berwick
-Cirencester
-Salisbury
-High Wycombe
-Chiswick
-Leominster
-Ruislip

Geesh you avoid someone for 6 months and right away they assume you ghosted them.

🎶 That’s me in the corner
That’s me in the spot light
Eating a banana 🎶

I’ve finally had time to open the boxes in the basement. Well guess who is coming up smelling like vintage 80s English Leather.