Miss 10 is making her bed upstairs.
[Sound of sellotape ripping]
You Might Also Like
Bad news travels fast. #TravelFail
Need this in my life lol
You know you’re sick when your girlfriend asks if you’re feeling okay instead of the usual eye roll after spitting up a lung.
*deleted Titanic scene*
Jack: don’t worry Rose, fat floats
Rose: so do doors with only ONE person on it!!
*I come home with an empty stroller*
WIFE: OMG, where’s the baby?
ME: …so there was a Dad Joke Battle
WIFE:
ME: I CAN WIN THE BABY BACK
Someday archeologists are going to dig up Disney World and think that it was some type of bizarre mouse worshipping kingdom.
*trains 1 million soldier ants*
*gets carried to work*
I am just a boy, standing in front of a milkshake, wondering by what sorcery it beckoned me to this yard
Some people say I’m suspicious and adversarial, and they’d better have a goddamn good attorney.
Remember the Scooby Doo episode where they put Scooby down and gave Shaggy the death penalty for ripping the face off an innocent person?
[graduation]
…and I owe it all to my mom, and my late dad *sheds tear*
[crowd cries]
*dad walks in holding starbucks*
“traffic, my bad”
The real reason evolution started..😂
I always hated videos of animals being shot with tranquilizer darts to trap and transport them.
Now, I’m calculating the toddler dosage.
ME: Where are the posters?
WIFE: THEY JUST DISAPPEARED!
[In other room]
*cat is furiously stuffing missing dog posters into paper shredder*
the reason there are no time machines arriving from the future is that in the year 2040, the contract to make them goes to Boeing
Without Googling, can you close your laptop, drive to the beach, and throw your phone into the ocean?
[applying for a home loan]
Lender: how much is your car payment
Me: uhh
Lender: what’s your salary before taxes
Me: umm
Lender: do you know anything
Me: *smugly* a group of cats is called a clowder
Who needs horror films when there are true crime docs on Tinder dating
Just waiting to hear those three special words… “there’s no evidence.”
Roses are red,
violets are blue,
this poem is overused,
just like your mum.
YOU are cold. They have fur.
Do not let inside.
They updated the Raggedy Ann doll to Swaggedy Ann. She comes with an iPhone, divorced parents, and 3 pairs of heelys
Genie: you get three wishes
Dog: I wish I was inside
Genie: two wishes
Dog: I wish I was outside
Genie: one wish
Dog:
Genie:
Dog: I wish I was inside
Dad that spaghetti you brought home in the plastic container was terrible. Who the hell names an Italian restaurant ‘Nightcrawlers’?
That time Alicia messaged me
Hi, I want to get a tattoo to express my individuality. Do you mind if I look through this book of tattoos you’ve done for other people?
Getting out of bed the other night to go pee and the monster grabbed my leg, he said I can’t live like this anymore tell your wife to get rid of all these damn boxes under here.
I refuse to order in Starbucks lingo. I just order small or medium, and watch everyone hyperventilate.
My kid just asked me to help with her art project and I said “aw, why did you choose me?” and she said “because you suck at math”