Miss 11 returns home from school. This is what she does – in order of preference:
1 – Goes to see her bedroom that we changed around yesterday.
2 – Says hello to the cat.
3 – Says oh hello to me after I remind her of my existence.
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Bad: I saw my girlfriend’s name and number on a couple of men’s bathroom walls..
Worse: It was in her handwriting…
I can still remember that one Memorial Day weekend when I had too much to drink and cooled off in my neighbor’s birdbath ten minutes ago.
[robber waving gun around in bank] nobody move a muscle
[me making eye contact with him then to the popsicle in my hand then back to him]
[being murdered at Best Buy]
Murderer: *murdering me*
Me: *being murdered*
Employee: would you guys like to buy an extended warranty
Don’t eat sugar, don’t drink alcohol, don’t eat saturated fat, wear sunscreen, drink plenty of water, moisturize, and exercise….
And you’ll be the healthiest corpse in the morgue.
Me: Who made this mess?
8-year-old: Not me.
6-year-old: Not me.
4-year-old: Not me.
3-year-old: A horse. I saw it.
I have a suspect.
I’ve spent 8 hours cleaning my house!! Keep in mind that this is over a period of 25 years, but still.
I dropped and broke my phone today. Hurt more than childbirth!
If there is a god and he “loves” us then explain spiders
Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation and don’t have to get up.
Me: [starts learning how to juggle saucepans]
Pro Tip: Always put your keys away in the last place you’d look, then look there first.
My suspicious mole cancelled my appointment with a dermatologist.
driverless cars????
I don’t trust autocorrect to pick the correct word let alone let a car just drive me …. by itself
Golf would be better with landmines.
Ice cream cones are for when you would rather eat the bowl than wash it.
I have three kids. I should be terrified of sex.
send me a picture of a beloved item in your home
please include your address if the item is expensive and easy to carry
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if every time a message in blood appeared on the wall it was something helpful like YOUR KEYS ARE IN THE FRONT DOOR.
The moral of Pinocchio is that lying is only bad if it’s really obvious.
Cat: I think i have a rash.
Doctor Dog: WE SHOULD AMPUTATE YOUR HEAD
My daughter watched a trial of mine today and when it was over (expecting praise and adulation) I said, “Wellllll how’d I do?”
Her, “You sure did lead your witness a lot.”
mother in law: [eyes turn black and pukes all over me] I’ll eat your soul
wife: oh my god she’s possessed
me: you sure? I mean you know her better but
Rock bottom is bad, but it still beats scissor bottom.
Nice try, private caller. I don’t answer the phone if I know you either.
Please be on notice:
From this point forward, I shall tweet exactly whatever autocorrect provides.
I’m sorry if that isn’t exact whet you were expectorant.
Alcohol may not be able to give you a loving hug when you need it but the Liquor Mart employee’s you’re buying it off of sure can.
I can’t be the only one that sees the day when
a direct message from a catfish is called carp DM.
I hate people who take drugs. Like customs officers.
My midwife just sat me down and gently broke the news that I am simply plump and she has no reason to be here.
i wonder if it’s possible to swim from one end to the other in a pool filled with mashed potatoes ?