Miss 11 returns home from school. This is what she does – in order of preference:
1 – Goes to see her bedroom that we changed around yesterday.
2 – Says hello to the cat.
3 – Says oh hello to me after I remind her of my existence.
You Might Also Like
Today was old man training day for the boy. Lunch was pickled eggs and sandwiches and we talked about the weather. Then, over a dinner of chowder we complained about the music kids these days are listening to and then we had pie and coffee in complete silence.
so
the limit is 412 chicken nuggets
Stop, drop, and roll but for flame wars:
Stop – and think about it, you don’t even know this angry person.
Drop – your ego, and just go with it. You think I’m trash? Neat. Thanks.
Roll – away from any further discussion by muting or blocking
THERAPIST: your problem is, that youre perfect, and everyone is jealous of your good posts, and that makes you rightfully upset.
ME: I agree
My new coffee table book, “Accidental Screenshots,” is available for pre-order now.
hot singles are in your area, merging together into a plurality, a hot leviathan. the time for chat is over. this is not your area anymore
just got on my email and unsubscribed from a bakery that i bought a cake from 3 years ago. after unsubscribing they sent another email saying ‘are you sure a friend didn’t unsubscribe you by mistake’? how often is that situation happening.
The performance I give pretending to have never tried trail mix to get an extra sample at Costco is Oscar-worthy
*offers Batman cough drops*
Some of us matured in our 30’s and naturally stopped committing crime as the risk was not deemed worth the reward
Some of us just developed bad knees
Why are women starting to turn their homes into yoga studios?
So they can be namaste at home moms.
bananaphobia: when you don’t have any nagging fears but your therapist puts you on the spot so you pick whatever you had for breakfast
People say I have the legs of a dancer. But until they find the rest of the body, the cops have nothing on me, man!
Aaaa…CHOO!
You come into my house on this, the day of my dark chocolate soy milk’s expiration?
Gonna start passive aggressively sending herbal teas. Oh yes, I thought you’d enjoy it it’s for brain fog.
5’s friend told him his mom makes play doh. Thanks Pinterest. I’m already expected to cook 3 meals a day, now I have to cook their toys too?
Me: Who drew the picture?
8: I can’t remember her name.
Me: You memorize 200 Pokémon but you don’t remember the kids names in class?
8: 213
Random Company: “Why would you like to work for our company?”
Me: “Well sir/madam, I’ve grown very fond of eating and having a roof over my head and I don’t want to lose that.”
when all you have is a rotisserie everything looks like a chicken
I woke up and put my glasses on and then started looking for my glasses so I’m guessing it’s Monday.
[In emergency room]
mom 1: my kid needed 12 stitches! how about yours?
dr. frankenstein: 75,000.
babe, listen, I need you to bring me $15000 cash and my passport. I out-pizza’d the hut and they are after me
Gf: “You want to know what your problem is?”
Me: *looks at watch* “Ok, but our dinner reservation is in six hours”
I’ve got 99 problems, which really bothers me since I’ve also got OCD and I prefer even numbers.
handyman: figured out why your cupboard keeps opening
me: *nodding* ghosts
handyman: …this screw is loose
me: ah.
handyman:
me:
handyman:
me: how would a ghost get a screwdriver?
They say that sex is the best form of exercise.
Correct me if I’m wrong but I don’t think 2 minutes and 15 seconds every 3 months is going to do much for that beer belly.
You make me want to be a better sentence completer.
Lounging on the couch, pants off while munching a Big Mac is a great way to spend Sunday, despite IKEA’s Security guard insisting otherwise.