Miss 9 trips over something and bangs her jaw on the bed.
Ohh no, how come you’re so clumsy I ask just as I bump my own head on a door frame.
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I bought a treadmill because I ran out of closet space for my clothes.
Me: *puts six steaks on the grill*
Wife: Don’t you think that’s too much? It’s just us and the kids.
Me: Wait, you guys are eating, too?
me, welcoming someone into my small home filled with hand me down furniture and the random mess of life living: would you like a tour
person, for some reason: yes
Facebook is great! It reminds me to go to the gym and take my birth control so I don’t end up like everyone I went to high school with.
I don’t do drugs. I take drugs. My brain does the drugs. Follow me? Me either -because drugs
Eggs are a healthy breakfast, which is why I don’t feel guilty eating cage free Reese’s ones.
[zoo]
GUIDE: i told you not to feed the monkeys
ME: it’s a cigar
“you are what you eat”
i don’t remember eating a handsome genius but ok
[muffled voice] I love what you’ve done with your trunk.
*first day as crime scene investigator*
*Removes sheet covering victim*
*replaces it with a sheet that has pockets*
*instantly becomes new favourite of all my female coworkers*
just give your kids the ipad they’re the ones who’ll be fighting cyborgs in the future.
Since Julius Caesar’s assassination was a group project there were definitely some guys who did just enough stabbing to get a passing grade.
How come mimes never imagine being in bigger boxes?
[father and son riding bikes together]
dad, how’d you get so good?
[doing a wheelie] I’ve had a lot of DUIs
Teacher: What is the world’s laziest creature? You, at the back
Me, at the back: rude
There is no such thing as a hamburger. There are only sad cheeseburgers who are missing their cheese.
Man Hoping People Notice How Many Folding Chairs He’s Carrying At Once
[At the job interview]
“Why did you leave your last job?”
“They took a vote.”
Some of you are too young to remember taking pictures and having to wait for the bird in the camera to chisel the image out on a stone slab and it shows.
What I did to that ice cream is illegal is some states.
My birthstone is a marshmallow
I can’t take anymore of this 50 Shades of Grey promo. It’s still your basic Cinderella story. Now she just has a ball gag.
Quick shout-out to @funTweeters. The “aggregators” and “parodies” could learn a thing or two from this account. It’s aggregation done right.
i love horror films but this one with the killer making people stay at their desks after work is next level sick.
Stupid seal at the zoo would not sing “kiss by a rose.” REFUND!
“Are you making the aquarium pets fight again?”
“NO,” I exclaim, quickly putting Octopus Prime and MegaPrawn back into the tank.
Cats be like I could kill you in your sleep and take over the world but I’m also hungry so can you feed me right meow
Cat stuck in a tree? Have you tried placing a computer keyboard at the bottom?
It’s hard for me to commit when everyone I love is 70% water