Miss 9 trips over something and bangs her jaw on the bed.
Ohh no, how come you’re so clumsy I ask just as I bump my own head on a door frame.
You Might Also Like
She didn’t believe I was single so I showed her my bathroom with the Metallica poster
A coworker just told me that “it is what it is” and I have never felt so enlightened.
hear me out, a safari park full of giraffes called giraffe’ic park
Yeah yeah “Friends with Benefits” are cool but have you tried “Friends with Batteries”? Less drama!
Dad: Want a donut?
Me: YES!
Dad: *punches my leg* Hurts don’t it lol.
Me: *tasers him* HERTZ DON’T IT LOL.
I dropped and broke my phone today. Hurt more than childbirth!
I’m gonna start sending women unsolicited pizza pics.
I can’t bend my pinky without my ring finger bending as well..is this normal?
Let’s hear your results ’cause I know you just tried it.
MOM: Any plans tonight?
ME: Me and the guys heading out to find us some ladees *shoots finger guns
HER: So Pokemon Go with Gary?
M: Yessss
Just overheard someone say they found $100 in a coat pocket they must have forgotten about from last year. Let me tell you something if I ever lost $100 I wouldn’t forget. People would see me coming and say “there’s that guy that won’t shut up about losing $100.”
2-year-old: *points to my belly* Baby!
Me: Yep, there’s a baby in there! Will you love it?
2: I eat it.
Well that escalated quickly.
Save time sledding with kids by just throwing away one mitten before you even leave the house
me: thinking about getting into necrophilia
her: over my dead body
me: that’s the spirit
I can only listen to Russian classical music after drinking creamy tea too fast.
The chai cough’s key
I’d like to speak to America’s manager.
I feel like whoever named it a “magic marker” was really overselling their product expectation-wise.
You think you’ve doing an okay job as a parent, and then you learn your 8 year-old has only been pretending to brush his teeth for two months.
Lesson learned: toddlers don’t understand sarcasm. As a side note, don’t say ‘bite me’ around toddlers that don’t understand sarcasm
SCAM ALERT – IMPORTANT
The cat has already been fed.
For Halloween I’m putting on a fishnet body stocking and going as a bag of onions.
my ears are currently carrying sunglasses, headphones, and a face mask. ears are a purse
I’ve found that whenever God closes a door, Satan hands me a lockpick.
Let hot neighbour guy park his truck in my driveway, if ya know what I mean 😏😏
*I mean there’s construction on our street
Her: so yeah i’m a palaeontologist, it means i know a lot about dinosaurs basically, do you have a favourite dinosaur?
Me: *visibly sweating* umm…umm…REPTAR.
Her: …
Me: …
Her: …like…like from rugrats?
Me: …he had a wagon
MY 6YO SON: We’re on Earth, where outer space can’t find us. It wants to kill us, so we hide out here.
ME: [terrified] Eat your cereal, kiddo
How to get your man to do push ups:
1. do push ups in front of him wrong
*doesn’t eat, sleep enough, drinks too much alcohol* WHY DO I FEEL LIKE SHIT
Dogs are like babies, you can’t actually tell people theirs is ugly.
*adds Amazon wishlist link to bio*
Me: And now we wait
[2 days later] *nothing*
[1 week later] *still nothing*
[2 weeks later] Kids: Dad, we’re really hungry now
Me: I said, we wait!!!
Everyone thinks their kids are normal until you’re leaving instructions for a sitter and you’re like, “do not open the applesauce pouch all the way- open it halfway, hand it to him, and back away slowly. Also he has to sleep with 3 pacifiers and Lightning McQueen.”