Miss 9: When I grow up I’m going to have this house. When you.. you know..
You Might Also Like
Me: why don’t you go and play with Jack?
3yo: no, I like playing with myself
Me: er, by, you like playing BY yourself…
I just want to be as happy as a character in the first half hour of a horror movie
Guy: Which way is left?
Me: *points to the right*
Guy: What is a horn for?
Me: Jazz
Guy: Where does gasoline go?
Me: *points to my tummy*
Guy: Excellent *approves my state-issued driver’s license*
there’s no rule that says you have to share your birthday cake, you can just blow out the candles and take that shit home with u
He has notifications on for me pray for his phone
Ha
HR: Please don’t begin all your letters with “Dearest….”
if u put a disguise on a cow then legally the cow is incowgnito
But if I go out, who is going to stick their finger in the cat’s mouth and ruin his yawns?
Me: One last time for old times’ sake?
Broken washer: No.
Sometimes I think I’m reasonably intelligent, and sometimes I click the remote car door lock a second or third time for extra lockiness.
I try to avoid things that make me fat, like scales, mirrors, and photographs.
When he asks for feet pics
“It’s Raining Men” is my favorite song about skydiving school.
Don’t tell me I don’t know anything about love!! They just opened up a cheesecake sample cart at Costco
Indoor weekend with a toddler whose sleep schedule is backsliding.
My wife and I have agreed on a trial separation.
The kids aren’t to keen, but my wife and I just don’t want them anymore.
[first day as burglar]
me : OMG SNACKS
The only thing more satisfying than doing big yard projects yourself is paying someone to do it while you occasionally watch out the window.
Before I had a kid I thought, god, I wish I could say “please put your shoes on” 17,000 times every morning.
My dreams have come true.
Them: Is your cat friendly?
My Cat: What kind of a fucking question is that?
Me: No
Psychic: Which of you wants the reading, you or your ex-wife?
Me: She’s my current wife.
Wife: [to psychic] Oh, you’re good.
Visitor squirming: what am I sitting on?
Me: I forgot to get meat out to thaw for supper
a deranged scientist in every rickety old house on top of every hill on the outskirts of every town. that’s my promise, should i be elected
Husband: Let’s role play.
Me: Okay.
H: Pretend you’re our cleaning lady.
Me: I quit.
Me: Well, well, well. Look who’s come crawling back
Baby: [pretends like she doesn’t hear my extremely witty comment]
[twirls in a dress made of knives]
Oh, this old thing? Just something I put on and wield against innocent bystanders every 28 to 31 days.
[Arby’s]
Me: This horsey sauce barely tastes like horse at all
Mgr: *adding horse shavings* Tell me when
If your husband tells you you’re being too dramatic don’t forget to bow when you thank him.
I only sleep on one side of my bed because the clean laundry sleeps on the other.