Miss 9: When I grow up I’m going to have this house. When you.. you know..
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People laughed when I said I wanted to be a professional snooker player. They’re not laughing now because it was ages ago.
The roof of my mouth has had it too easy lately. I’m gonna eat some scalding hot pizza followed by a handful of granola.
Me: I think I broke my arm. Take me to the hospital.
That one friend: I’ll make you a tincture with frankincense & eucalyptus. Then grind some Spanish moss and nettles in my mortar and pestle. You’ll be right as rain.
I bet the hardest part of being a server is having to wait until people’s mouths are full before asking them how the food is.
It’s World Chocolate Day, and the latest research into human longevity shows that eating dark chocolate and drinking red wine can significantly increase your chances of enjoying yourself while you’re still here
[at TED talk]
OMG that man is having a heart attack! Anyone here a doctor?
*entire crowd stands*
No a MEDICAL doctor
*entire crowd sits*
I should probably wait a few days to drive my new F35 to work, huh
My kids don’t enjoy cleaning so much as they enjoy spraying cleaning supplies everywhere
y’alllll a young person asked for historical fiction and I asked her if she had a particular time period in mind and she said the 80s and 90s
Always practice yodeling, suddenly, in a packed elevator.
Learn how to read a book again simply by sticking a twitter Avi alongside every paragraph…….
I would like a refund on this lottery ticket. All of the numbers were wrong.
[roadtrip]
ME: I need a bathroom break
FRIEND: no stops for 2 hours, use that Gatorade bottle
ME: um…ok…now how am I supposed to wipe?
Have never been roasted to the level as I have been today after asking my department full of tall Tinas if we had a step stool for the file room. They’re trying to find a booster seat on Facebook marketplace for my desk chair. It’s over. I’ll never recover from this.
David Hasselhoff saves money on tailored shirts by not ordering the first 5 buttons.
“To be is to do” – Socrates.
“To do is to be” – Nietzsche.
“Do be do be do” – Sinatra.
“Beep beep beep” – R2D2.
I got mad at a rock today.
I chopped it in half with my lightsaber.
Now there are two rocks.
Send help. Now.
Eye of the tiger. Nose of the lion. Mouth of the lynx. Ear of the bobcat. Throat of the cougar. Forehead of the ocelot.
If Iron Man and the Man of Steel were to team up, they’d be powerful alloys.
me: do you want to play some ps4?
frenchman: oui
me: no we only have the playstation
I didn’t know comedy could be a career until I was 24 and I didn’t know comedy couldn’t be a career until I was 36.
You can’t die, man! Not right now. Not on my watch! *lifts dead body and pulls watch put from under it*
What’s it called when your bar is better stocked than your pantry?
Payday
me: hey there’s a bloody oar in the water
friend: that’s foreboding
me: I know what they’re for
[Cop arresting a centipede]
*clink*
*clink*
*clink*
*clink*
*clink*
*opens crate of new handcuffs*
*clink*
*clink*
*clin
Life hack: McDonald’s will deliver if you tell them that you are holding Ronald hostage for a ransom of [your desired food order]
Recipe: After adding oil to skillet, sweat onions.
My cooking anxiety: I got this!
Mean Girls 2020: “Gross, isn’t that the mask you wore yesterday?”
Me: can I ask a rhetorical question?
Her: sure
Me: well apparently not
Took my Airpods into the Apple Store yesterday. They sounded tinny and distant. Turned out I had them in the wrong ears and back to front. I am an award winning technology columnist. This is my story.