Miss 9: When I grow up I’m going to have this house. When you.. you know..
You Might Also Like
Teach your kids about gambling by letting them lick floors
1996: Why do they call the internet “the web”
20 years later, trapped & unable to leave: Oh
My dog when she hears popcorn popping
*6 hours of Russian roulette*
Me: “I think I forgot to load a bullet in this gun.”
*drops something sharp*
Brain: catch it with your foot
age 12: fell off of bike at high velocity onto gravel road. biked 5 miles home
age 42: used wrong pillow. back was nonfunctional for 2 days.
A TikTok challenge but it’s just people using apostrophe’s correctly.
I truly believe my daughter can be anything she wants to be but after seeing how she plays with mr potato head I really hope that isn’t a doctor
What if I just start doing things that make me happy? Nahhhh can’t dispose of that many dead bodies.
Why don’t ants get sick?
Because they have antybodies
A concept so foreign, Angelina Jolie tries to adopt it.
Imagine being a fly on the wall in the closed court where Rupert Murdoch is suing his own children. You’d be the most ethical creature in the room.
I have a book to read on
overcoming procrastination.I bought it in 2007.
Wife: our house is a mess, we should throw some stuff out. I’ll start with the bedr-
Me: DON’T YOU DARE TOUCH MY BED RUM!
You know who brings a knife to a gun fight?
Cannibals.
And also a fork.
If you go to Hell for laughing during prayer, my family will burn for eternity.
The UPS guy never wants to wrestle so I’m thinking about trying FedEx.
[buying treadmill]
Me: Can I try it out first?
Salesperson: Sure
Me: (pulls out laundry basket and hangs wet clothes on it) I like it.
I developed a very large vocabulary to avoid words I couldn’t spell.
After 10 missed calls in a row, I’m tempted to answer the phone just so I can find out who wants to be murdered.
Wipes away your tears using three precise karate chops.
[At a San Francisco Dance Club]
*Grinds cute girl in a mini-skirt*Hey baby, what’s your name?
“Robert”
me: I can’t decide what to have
waiter: what about the duck?
duck: I’ll have lasagna
My 6yo told my husband he was “grounded for eternity,” but my 4yo pointed out that “you have to let him out when he dies so he can go to a cemetery.”
Me: i never know what to say
Friend: just say something nice[later]
Date: hi
Me: 69
Like a lioness protecting her cub, but it’s me lunging at the coworker about to nibble on my favourite pen.
On my way home, a huge flock of geese was walking slowly across the road. The car behind me started honking, like it was my fault.
Oh, do you think I planned this? Am I the Goose King? Did I send out my army to battle enemy ducks? How did you know that? Are you a duck spy??
Why let people drive you crazy when you know it’s in walking distance?
The biggest problem with finding another job is I don’t want one
Never trust anyone who says “let me be Frank” no, what is your real name?