My neighbor, when something bad happens to me: Remember, everything happens for a reason.
Me, when my neighbor’s packages are mistakenly delivered to me: [whispers] This was meant to be.
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if i can have dinner w anyone dead and alive, i’d pick kate middleton
I’ve had a few people tell me I should start an OF but honestly, you could just peel a potato at home and get the same outcome.
Everyone’s family
Hubby is playing “Restaurant” with the kids and it went from them serving him food, to him calling the cops on them so I guess it’s not going well.
My husband has a blanket pulled up over his face.
I think this means he wants me to talk to him.
new boss: mind sharing an office?
me: no
NB: Good [points to room filled w/wolves] bc we finally contained them please keep the door closed
if you aren’t on threads I just want you to know everyone is talking shit about you
Point of etiquette: When attending a chainsaw massacre, don’t spend the entire time chainsawing one person. Get out there and mangle.
I took the battery out of my biological clock and put it in the TV remote.
Dog 1: *whispering* you got any drugs?
Dog 2: who said that? Are you a spider?
me: if ur soulmate dies before u meet them do u get like a backup soulmate
professor: i meant questions about the midterm
The fact that they call it the Food Pyramid and not Food Triangle implies it has at least two other sides. So maybe this much taffy is OK
me: so there’s nothing you can do to help?
doctor: no, you’re just going to have to live with it I’m afraid
me: [takes baby] ugh fine
*watching TV*
*pours bowl of Grape-Nuts*
*turns on closed captions*
*Speeding*
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: My singing?
Cop:
Me: My smile?
Cop:
*From the back of cop car*: My dance moves?
movies gotta warn me if they’re a part 1, before i’m in the theater. I just got jump scared by “to be continued” screens twice in one week (Fast X and Spiderverse).
i’m a 37 year old man and and i need emotional closure in my movies, i don’t have time to be cliffhanged
Me: Can you hear me?
Ouija board: Y-E-S
Me: Is it hard to hear me with all the updog?
Ouija board: I-W-I-L-L-M-U-R-D-E
My doctor asked if anyone in my family suffers from mental illness. I said, ‘No we all seem to enjoy it.’
Her: Going out with the girls.
Me: Please give my best to the coven.
Her:
Me: Did I say that out loud?
Normalise screaming “404 ERROR” and sprinting out the room during conversations you want to end
Mugger: Give me all your money!
Me: Ok
Mugger: *suddenly poorer*
Sure coffee will wake you up, but have you ever stepped into a cold shower that you thought was hot?
OPEN UP. THIS IS THE POLICE. THANK YOU. CAN WE USE YOUR BATHROOM
At the polling station. Bodes well for Labour – loads of young people here. Or I might possibly be at the wrong primary school.
I’d buy a lot more exercise pants if they were called eating pants.
Canadian winters be like:
Today’s high is -23, but with the wind chill it feels like -57.
With this onion ring, I thee fed
Lol how “take you out” could mean either we’re going on a date or I’m gonna kill you.
It’s like my dad always used to say, “Don’t go around acting like the Village idiot.”